Agony Aunt: “Knuckle cracking… how do I make my husband stop?!”

A man holding his hands out to crack his knuckles
Incoming crack!

Some human males enjoy cracking their knuckles. This creates a loud noise that’ll affect squeamish folks.

If you’re married to a knuckle cracking addict, though, this can be a rather arduous and deleterious ordeal. Today, we’re here to help.

Tips on Stopping Knuckle Cracking

Dear agony aunt. My husband (Karl) and I have been married for one month now and we've been together for four months. A "whirlwind romance" and all that. 

He's nice enough, but Karl has some bad habits that kind of disgust me. The most annoying is his habit of cracking his knuckles. He does that constantly. Working across every single knuckle, cricking and cracking along each one multiple times every hour of every day. 

It's so stuck in his brain that he sleep knuckle cracks. And seems to dream about it as well! I even heard him sleep talking about it. At one point he mumbled and drooled, "I'll crack my knuckles if I want to, you stupid bitch..."

That was him dissing me out. Why? On our wedding day... it was supposed to be my special day! We spent £30,000 on the wedding and booked out a nice hall barn in the countryside. 

Was it worth maxing out some credit cards for that?! No! Because he spent the whole thing cracking his knuckles!

Can you imagine that!? During our wedding vows! OUR WEDDING VOWS! Total silence from the guests, me going, "To have *CRACK* and to hold *CRICK*" And it went on like that and I just in the end told him to shut the fuck up. And it kind of spoiled the mood a bit. Everyone went dead silent. 

Then the vicar went, "You may now kiss the bride." And Karl just stood there cracking his knuckles. Then we all went off to get drunk. I didn't speak to him for weeks after. Now I'm trying to rebuild our marriage. 

We were living in separate homes for a bit. When he said he's seeing a psychiatrist about the issue that's when we FINALLY went on our honeymoon to Scotland. And we moved into our home in Burnley after that. 

But... he's STILL cracking his knuckles! He said, "It's all right, darlin', I'm workin' on it! Take a chill pill!"

I mean, if we have kids what's going to happen to them? Their knuckles would be destroyed by the time they were teenagers! 

Well I've given my husband an ultimatum. He either stops this nonsense, or he's getting a knuckle sandwich! What do you reckon? Allison

Hi Allison! Well, if he’s dreaming about his habit then we must turn to Sigmund Freud and The Interpretation of Dreams for answers.

After careful consideration, we think this issue is probably down to some sick and perverted desire to copulate with his knuckles (or something similar).

Men are pretty disgusting in general, so this whole obsession with his hands is no big surprise. As far as we can tell, there are a few courses of action to follow:

  1. Smash his knuckles with a hammer. He’ll think twice about doing that again!
  2. Punch him in the face to relieve your frustration.
  3. Wait 50 years. By that time his cartilage should be destroyed, which should lead to a cessation on his knuckle cracking.

The above may not be as expedient as you possibly wanted, but you can’t have this man ruining your life due to a silly mechanical habit.

Last case scenario? Go to couple counselling. Debate the bejeezus out of the situation.

And if there’s not a solution in your favour? Start an illicit affair, get divorced, and learn from this odious life lesson that all men are bastards!

7 comments

  1. I don’t understand the big deal. So he cracks his knuckles ( a very hard habit to stop) she is lucky he’s not cracking her jaw. Many wives would think it endearing. I wonder what bad habits Of her own she is not revealing. Probably a closet full if marmite.

    Liked by 1 person

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