Agony Aunt: “My husband is a DIY disaster!

A hammer with bent nails following some DIY
Clearly the sign of masculinity in crisis…

Some men are great about the house, fixing things with wild abandon or putting up shelves even in places they don’t need to be.

Others are useless at it, but continue on anyway to justify their manly wiles. However, what if this is putting your health and safety at risk?

When DIY Gets Dangerous

Hi Agony Aunt. My husband, Gary, is a van driver by day. But by night he's our resident DIY "expert". He's taken on this role over the last year.

I reckon it's a mid-life crisis, because he's 45 and just bought a leather jacket, and now he keeps putting up stuff about the house. All the DIY, he does it in his leather jacket and some black shades. These are some of the things he's made:

- Shelves: Loads of them. Including on the side of our family car, in the toilet bowl, and on the roof of the house. In total, he's put 155 shelves up around the home (and three on our car). 

Our neighbours are confused about why War and Peace is on the roof. And the local community is baffled why we drive about town with Crime and Punishment on the side of the car. 

Gary says they're the books he never got to read when he was younger, through no fault of his own, because he was too busy "chasing skirt", sleeping around, and at hospital to deal with STDs. 

Last week we went round a corner too fast and our copy of The Hunger Games flew off a shelf and smashed through an independent supermarket window. The owner, Jeff, is now threatening legal action. 

Gary handed our copy of Crime and Punishment to him and said, "Read this, mate, then you'll understand..." And Gary dipped his head in what he thought was a profound gesture. Silly man, he's not even read the book! He got through five pages and said, "This is boring as shit!" He just keeps it about to try and look learned.

I've asked him to take some of the shelves down, but he has plans to put 100 more up. This is madness!

- Cesspit: He dug a 15 foot wide by 5 foot deep cesspit in the front garden. And he now uses it as his "official toilet". Again, this has led to distressing scenes as he openly uses it at whatever time of day suits him. The stench is appalling! And the local authorities are on our case over that. 

He had planned for it to be 15 foot deep for privacy purposes, but he found the digging too exhausting. So he stopped at 5. 

People walk past our house. He's often crouched in there reading The Daily Mail and will wave cheerily at everyone like it's no big deal. 

- Nuclear bunker: "World War III is just around the corner!" That's what he told our son, Mike, who's seven. And my husband is determined to "protect us" from "the communists!" So he built a sort of nuclear Panic Room like that one film with Jodie Foster in it. 

That's in the back garden, the hole is 5 feet deep (Gary finds digging any deeper "exhausting"). He said, "That's deep enough to withstand an atom bomb from those commies!" And he put a Gazebo over the hole (it's 10 feet wide).

He plans to interconnect the nuclear bunker with the cesspit so we can crawl from one to the other for toiletry purposes. 

- Miscellaneous: And, well, that's it for now. He plans to build a library inside the nuclear bunker, so that means a further 200/300 shelves. That's his guesstimate. 

Once nuclear fallout is in action, he then plans to develop a grain farm, plus run a cocaine black market drug business on the side. "There'll be lots of drug addicts to take advantage of during nuclear winter", he told me. 

My best friend, Michelle, said to me he's "lost his marbles". I'm inclined to disagree, because he doesn't have any marbles. 

Mike does and he plays with them all the time, but he's only lost a couple. What's Michelle on about? And can you help on all of this?! You are an agony aunt, after all! Colleen

Hi Colleen. This is simply masculinity in crisis, as you correctly indicated, and you must simply sit back and wait for the male species to die out.

Nuclear winter would suffice there, let’s see if your husband’s crazed predictions come to fruition.

In the meantime, busy yourself watching Love Island and prepare yourself for a very feminine future. All the best!


Dispense with some gibberish!

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