August 10, 2020Mr. Wapojif

Agony Aunt: “My husband’s hair keeps clogging the bath!”

A bathtub with a plughole
Enough to strike fear into any human female.

Hairy men, eh? Whether’s it’s a hairy back, hairy chest, or whatever else, men and hair are as ubiquitous as chalk and cheese.

The shedding of this hair and accumulation of it in the bathroom often leads to screaming matches between couples. And that’s where we come in (to help).

How to Deal With Hair Clogging a Drain

Hello agony aunt. My husband (Derek) is a large man and he has a lot of hair. He's just one of those really hairy blokes, you know? 

This one time we went on holiday to southern France and he was walking across the beach in his speedos. Locals thought he was an escaped gorilla from the nearby zoo. Hysterics followed. Screaming. Panic. The French police turned up, shot Derek in his leg, and threw a net over him.

All the while Derek was yelling, "Get off me, you French froggy bastards!"

Well, the police thought it was the enraged bellows of the gorilla and jabbed at Derek with an electric taser. 

We got a nice settlement from that with the French government and a free holiday in Avignon. No hard feelings from me. Derek now refuses to go anywhere near a beach. Probably for the best, I guess. 

Anyway, the point of all this is he molts. The hair comes off him and clogs up the bathtub plughole.

So, twice a week muggins here is clawing at the thing with my fingers, tweezers, and whatever to yank chunks of man hair out. 

I've resorted to just using really strong bleach after that to get the stuff that's clogged down further in the drain. The fumes from that stuff are all over the house and we're all getting a bit high off it. 

When you take a shower you feel really giddy, so I start screaming lyrics from ABBA hits. With clever turns of phrase, you know? "Showering Queen" and "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Shampoo!" That sort of stuff. 

Derek, though, keeps passing out. Big manly man, the fumes are too much for him! Wuss. So I just find his lard arse slumped in the tub and have to rouse him by slapping his face repeatedly. I hope he keeps losing consciousness, to be honest, it lets me take my frustrations out on him. 

Anyway, what do you reckon about all this? Should I wait until he starts going bald or take action now? Cheers, Glenda

Hi, Glenda! This is a most unfortunate problem. Off the top of our heads, we can tell this isn’t an issue you can rectify by breaking your husband’s legs.

You need to direct your vehemence towards the bathtub. And adjust it suitably to ensure this horrible situation ends.

Bathtub Adjustments For Hygiene

The most obvious alteration is to make the plughole bigger. There are several stipulations we must address here before you do that:

  1. The hole mustn’t be too large—if your husband (or you, for that matter) falls in you may never get him back.
  2. The larger the hole, the more rats will come scurrying up it.
  3. Random strangers will also be able to climb up into your bathroom for a look around. This could prove embarrassing, should you be in the shower.

So, we recommend a plughole size of three feet by three feet.

This should facilitate water draining out of your property and into your nearby sanitation centre.

If The Plughole Is Too Large

It’s essential you don’t make the plughole beyond four feet by four feet.

Should you do this, it’ll become analogous to a black hole. As such, all around you will drain away and be lost to eternity.

The gravitational pull of the plughole will be so strong, in fact, all the hair from your person will be sucked into it.

In essence, we suppose this may suffice if you wish to alleviate your husband from all of his hair. So go ahead with a plughole of this size if you’re willing to face the risks.

However, once your husband is hairless then you should contact NASA and/or your local physics genius to block up the plughole black hole.

You can do that with a specially adapted device, such as a large cork.

Do be aware, though, that should your husband be sucked into the bathroom-based black hole, you’ll likely never see him again.

He’ll enter a new spacetime dimension. One clogged up with lots of matted hair and all that—not really the type of place you’d want to hang out with him.

21 comments

    • I lived with two blokes ages back and it always got clogged. One of the guys was very hairy. So the water would back up and you’d be standing ankle deep in the shower due to man bloke hair. Marvellous.

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  3. I cannot believe there is an Agony Aunt issue that can’t be solved by breaking legs.
    After that, I have no ideas. Yours are totally absurd.
    However, you have brought back fond memories of my more youthful days.
    There were these 2 strippers. I made costumes for them. They worked for this guy….. who did not pay them one week. So, they attacked him at 2 am, in the parking lot of the strip club.
    They used bats, and broke one of his legs. They took his wallet out of a pocket, and as they were honourable strippers, only took the money they were owed. As they were decent, they did not break the other leg. They merely smashed up the already broken up leg a bit more.
    Ahh, the good old days!

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    • There’s nothing “absurd” about breaking someone’s legs to solve familial matters.

      As for the strippers, that’d make a good short story, I reckon. Mrs. Wapojif (as in, my mother) recounted to me a similar story in mine younger days. About how two pub bouncers broke a troublesome guys leg for no reason. Things really were better in t’olden days, eh?

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      • I h’actually did write it out, but in a longer story… very farcical. The guy in question was always getting into jams…. like the time he threw a Miss Nude Ontario contest, sold a bazillion tickets, then the law said the girls were not allowed full nudity and would have to wear bathing suits.
        Of course all the men wanted their money back, but the guy had already blown it all with his bookie.
        Few months later he murdered the bookie & went to jail.
        Yeah, t’olden days. Life got boring. I mean what do we have now…. a pandemic, voter suppression, USA tariffs, putin’s vaccine, systemic racism and pot noodles?

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        • “Getting into jams” – Traffic jams? Yeah, this is why I don’t own a car, you see. Pointless.

          Miss Nude Ontario? Sheesh. That sounds like a Monty Python sketch. I think murdering the bookie is probably a bit illegal. So it’s accurate your story has him go to jail. I would have added an alien invasion at the end just to spice thinks up etc.

          Life would be boring… but for noodles! I’m in a noodle mood at the moment.

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Dispense with some gibberish!

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