Now we have a business advice section to impart our knowledge to the business world, we feel we must address a most pressing matter—workplace nose picking.

Under the Equality Act 2010, staff can extract snot and mucus from their protruding face implement. However, discretion is important to keep levels of colleague disgust to a minimum.

How to Pick Your Nose at Work

Although employees have the right to this activity, it’s still important they go about the process in the correct way. As such, we recommend the index finger on the hand of choice.

Items staff shouldn’t use to remove bogeys from their nostrils (either one of them) includes:

• Important work documents (such as graphs indicating profit margins).
• ID cards.
• Their big toe (either one of them).
• Computer equipment or other company property.
• Machinery (such as a bulldozer or lift door).
• Other colleagues’ index fingers (particularly that of your boss or line manager).

On the latter point, it’s essential employees don’t ask other employees to pick their nose for them. That could qualify as an act of gross misconduct.

However, if the other employee agrees to the request then it’s perfectly acceptable.

Some businesses prefer transparency and openness. As such, Nose Picking Thursdays are becoming increasingly common.

During working hours on the designated Thursdays, employees will pick each other’s noses liberally and with wild abandon.

Introducing a Nose Picking at Work Policy

If you feel workplace nose picking is getting out of control, you may wish to introduce a policy to keep staff in line.

Some employees may spend an inordinate amount of time performing the activity, leading to:

• Nose picking addiction (and subsequent sick leave for recuperation).
• Cramp.
• Lower productivity levels.
• Snot lining your floors, thusly creating a health and safety hazard.
•  The very collapse of your business due to low productivity, ill employees, and employment tribunals due to relentless snot-based workplace accidents.

As such, your Workplace Nose Picking Policy should look to determine:

• Suitable nose picking locations (see further below).
• Suitable punishment for those breaking the rules (such as hobbling and/or a punch to the face).
• An employee assistance programme (EAP) to provide therapy for nose picking addicts.
• Wage deductions for notable time-wasting nose pickers.
• Free tissues for the gathering of snot, mucus, and sneezing matter.

Do note that attempting to prevent the activity entirely (i.e. banning nose picking at work) will lead to furtive activities.

Some of which may prove illegal and land your business in the shit. As such, we can recommend the following.

 Workplace Nose Picking Shelters

As with your employees who smoke tobacco and require a smoking shelter, you may wish to construct a special nose picking shelter directly next to your smoking shelter.

Your business will need another policy about this to differentiate between the two.

Your Nose Picking Shelter & Smoking Shelter Differentiation Policy 2020 will address the actions your staff must take.

Namely, standing in the correct area, not talking to each other, and refraining from doing anything unduly stupid.

It’s absolutely essential staff members do not attend the incorrect shelter. Failure to do so may result in:

• An employee jamming a lit cigarette up their nose.
• Attempts by staff to roll their boogers into a cigarette for smoking purposes.
• Superfluous multi-tasking—smoking and nose picking simultaneously, which can result in fatigue, smoker’s cough, and/or death.

You should also endeavour to hand out anti-smoking and anti-nose picking leaflets to staff as a reminder they’re wasting their lives.

Although this may appear to contradict your expenditure on erecting supportive shelters, should they address this point merely remind them of their inferior status as a lowly employee with a nose picking fixation.

Even on an esoteric topic such as this, you must assert your superiority as a business owner.

Remember—you are successful and better than they are. Which is why you employ servants to pick your nose with a gold encrusted protracted implement.

Boast about this liberally whilst your use it in your office. Or feel free to wipe your bogeys on employees as you pass them in the foyer.