Agony Aunt: “How do I make my kids eat vegetables?”

Fresh vegetables piled together
“Eat your greens, or get a punch to the face!

Children are like flies. They buzz around you all day making noises, making you want to splat them with a fly swat.

However, since that isn’t legal (thanks to the PC, nanny state society!!), you must endure their bad behaviour. Such as not eating veg. How does one tackle this issue?

Enforcing a Vegetable Diet For Your Family

Dear Agony Aunt. I have four children: Roger, John, Fred, and Freda. Shortly after "birthing" the fourth one, my wife ran off with a banker to the south of France. 

The last I have heard from her is a postcard that simply reads, "You're a massive dickhead." 

I argue I am NOT a massive dickhead, because I am not the one who has RUN OFF to France abandoning my children!

Anyway, I am now rearing them alone. It is going okay, but they all have an issue with vegetables. They refuse to eat them. 

I have been quite angry about this I must admit, screaming obscenities at them, jumping up and down in a rage, and punching a hole in our dining room wall when Freda refused to eat her celery. 

I have tried EVERYTHING! Pleading. Banging my fists on the table. Threatening to take all their toys away and burn them in the garden while they all watch.

It got so bad during a Sunday roast last weekend (they were REFUSING to eat their Brussels sprouts) that I jumped up and threatened to cut an arm off if they did not eat their greens. They sat their giggling. So I grabbed the meat knife and forcibly rammed it blade first into my left arm, hoping to hack through the bone and cartilage to sever the blasted thing. 

However, as soon as the blade entered my flesh I roared in agony and fainted. 

I woke up three hours later and GUESS WHAT!? The kids had eaten the chicken, sausages, and drunk the gravy. The sprouts!? ALL THERE ON THE TABLE UNTOUCHED! What is a man to do?! Regards, Clive

Hello, Clive. We could postulate that if you hadn’t “birthed” children then you wouldn’t have this issue, thusly ending your dilemma.

However, that seems a bit mean. And, also, time machines don’t exist.

Ultimately, you’re the adult in this situation and you must conduct yourself in an orderly and mature fashion.

Hacking limbs from your body and punching holes in walls don’t count.

They also send out a negative message about vegetables, inadvertently enforcing a more violent, meat-based diet.

It’s important you educate your children about eating vegetables, so we recommend funding university a Nutritional Sciences degree for all four of them.

This may total around £144,000, but it’ll be worth it if they’re going to eat their broccoli without a grumble over the coming decades.

The “Eat Your Greens” Song

If you can’t afford £144,000, then we suggest you teach your kids this song. It’s one we’ve especially written just for you, Clive.

You should eat your greens. 

Like tasty beans. 

So you can wear skinny jeans. 

Way beyond your teens. 

Uh huh, yeah, bitch!

So the song is in a gangster rap type of thing. You can switch out the profanity with “fuddy-duddy” if you consider it more age-appropriate.

However, seeing as you want to get the attention of your kids, we suggest liberally peppering the song with f bombs and the like.

Teach your kids that song and make them sing it 37 times daily.

Before you know it, they’ll turn to a brainwashed mantra type state and complete your every vegetable-based command. Best of luck, Clive.

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