Our new robotic dog is the stuff of dreams. It does everything your normal dog does, but it’s a robot. So, you’ll need to charge the thing.
It’s a smart doggy! And you’ll grow to love it (because it’s programmed to make you love it). Only £1,000 ($2,000)! Here’s why you should part with your cash.
Fido 2.0—The Robotic Dog
This contraption is programmed to be a pet and useful household implement. Although you can partner it with the romance bazooka for additional home safety benefits.
Fido 2.0 has a basic set of features. These include:
- Bark mode.
- Growl mode.
- Panting mode.
- Affection mode.
- Savaging intruders mode.
There’s also battery recharge mode, but this isn’t all that fun. You plug the dog into the mains and wait for its battery to reach maximum again.
However, Fido 2.0 will behave like most normal dogs. If you count “normal” as being kind of freaky looking and largely unresponsive.
The contraption will respond to a few basic commands. Although, please note, our R&D department didn’t perfect the dog AI just yet. So there are teething issues we’ll sort out later (if we can be bothered).
For now, the basic commands include:
- Sit: Can cause the dog to stay.
- Stay: Can cause the dog to sit.
- Walkies: Can cause the dog to attack you.
- Come here: Doesn’t seem to have any reaction.
- Roll over: Causes the dog to sing nursery rhyme lyrics from Ten in the Bed.
- Who’s a good boy?!: Fido 2.0 will inform you its an “it” due to its gender neutrality mode.
- Who’s a good it?!: The dog will enter bark mode.
- Food: As Fido 2.0 doesn’t eat, it can result in a combination of all of the above.
The dog also has razor sharp steel teeth in event of an intruder laying siege to your home. The dog is programmed to savage vagabonds on sight.
So, if you’re used to burglaries (or know any lunatics), you may need to clear severed limbs and brain matter out of your hallways/drive on regular occasions.
Ultimately, the robot’s main duty is to replicate basic dog behaviour to take advantage of gullible consumerists after the latest cool trend.
Examples of Fido 2.0 Antics
This lovable robotic dog will become a minor insignificance in your life. Why, we’ve had one for three months now and can imagine life without it quite easily!
However, it’s provided some fun and games along the way. Here are our favourite moments:
- Taking Fido 2.0 for a walk: Waltzing around Manchester, many a chav did comment, “Wot duh fuck iz dat!?” The dog then attacked them and there was much blood loss.
- Introducing Fido 2.0 to our friends: One of whom squealed in delight. The robot took that as an aggressive reaction and our friend is now missing an arm.
- Offering a doggy treat to Fido 2.0: Out of AI interest, we attempted to feed the robot a beef jerky. It didn’t look too impressed and, instead of eating the food, chomped down furiously on our apprentice’s hand. And it didn’t bloody let go until we got a crowbar out. The apprentice is suffering from PTSD, but is otherwise okay.
- Recharging Fido 2.0: Probably the best thing about this robot pet is when it’s turned off, out of the way, and charging back to full battery.
You can get a discount on the doggy if you perform a death scream of terror on our phone line. If we’re suitable impressed, that’s 10% off.