Ask Dr. Moron: “I stubbed my big toe and it hurts!”

Someone walking down stairs with a close up of a big toe

Stubbing your toe is one of the most painful things any human being (male or female) can experience. Today, we’re here to help one poor, wretched soul.

Overcoming a Stubbed Toe

Disclaimer: Our medical advice is terrible. Do not pay attention to it.

Heya. I were walking to me bathroom last night and accidentally stubbed me toe. It's a right fucker because the toe bent back painfully and it hurt real bad. "Arghhh!" I yelled. "That's a right fucker!" And I crouched down and had a bit of a cry (in a manly way. I'm dead tough, me). 

Me bird (not me girlfriend, she was at her flat, I were at me other bird's flat. Yeah, I cheat on them, got a problem with that?!) shouted from the living room, "You all right, Johnny!?" And well no, I thought about going to hospital to A&E but then decided the best thing I could do for me health is take the whole week off work to recover. 

Me boss were pissed about that and I know I'm the best sandwich maker in the whole business but when you saw the funny colour me toe went... it didn't rest and recovery time.

However, then I stubbed me other bastard toe! And I've got the problem again but me boss says he'll sack me if I ring in sick again. What do I do? Ta, Johnny

Hi, Johnny. Stubbed toes have plagued humanity for many a millennia, especially after the invention of doorways and doors (but not The Doors).

There’s no cure and in the worst case scenario you’ll have to amputate the big toe with a rusty chainsaw.

Not that we’re suggesting you do that, but if it turns a funny colour and starts smelling then there are four possibilities:

  1. You have gangrene.
  2. Your stupid big man feet just smell bad.
  3. You need to bathe more regularly.
  4. You actually have gout.

However, it could be a combination of all four. Or a combination of some of that lot. It really depends on the nature of your stubbed toe.

For example, if you stub the toe and you already have gangrene then this may result in gout.

Alternatively, you may have a perfectly healthy big toe. But after the stub you develop gangrene, scurvy, and plague.

If that happens it’s a tad unlucky, so you need to adapt to the possibility of stubbing your big toe at any moment.

A terrifying prospect, but when you can lessen with ease.

Reducing the Risk of Stubbing Your Big Toe

Obviously, the best way to approach this is to not have any toes at all.

But seeing as you currently have all of them, then you need protective measures. This can include:

  • Wearing a full hazmat suit.
  • Wearing big woolly socks.
  • Constantly wearing boots.
  • Removing all the doors and doorways from your home (including your front door).

Naturally, the last step is extreme and may result in vagabonds robbing your property. However, that may be a step you just have to take.

It’s either a loss of all your worldly possessions, or a stubbed toe. We know what we’d choose (destitution). Best of luck, Johnny.


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