Growing a beard is one of the most difficult things any man can ever do. It’s fraught with danger (e.g. snagging one’s beard hair on a passing great white shark), it’s time-consuming, and it takes a lot of bravery to see out the many long months of solitude.

Indeed, sitting alone in a room while one’s beard grows is tough work. But we’re here to help! We’re here to guide you through the common errors many dumb men make, thusly ensuring your manly mane will look the part.

Beard Growing Errors to Avoid

The first tip we must state involves the need to facilitate beard growth. In order to do this, you’ll need to stop shaving.

If you continue shaving, your beard will not grow at any impressive rate. Quite the opposite.

Now we’ve got the beginning faze out of the way, time to take a look at the various steps you must avoid to ensure your beard is big and fluffy:

• Yanking at existing beard hair to try and make it grow faster. This is a mistake. It induces pain and, upon severe tugging, can result in beard hair and chunks of flesh departing from your body.
• Indulging in voodoo ceremonies in an attempt to speed up beard growth. This can lead to your beard becoming cursed by Beelzebub, which will necessitate a beard exorcism.
• Sleeping upside down under the belief blood pooling in your brain will speed up beard growth. It won’t.
• Combing hair from your head into your beard for a beard/hair combo. This is cheating and doesn’t constitute a beard under the International Beard Recognition Board (IBRB).
• Resorting to prayer to grow your beard. God has no plans for your facial hair.
• Using too much beard oil. Be careful with that stuff. Too much and your beard will become as greasy as the film Grease. Which can result in dilemmas (such as going to kiss your partner, and slipping and breaking your nose).
• Not brushing your beard. It is, essentially, a pet dog. You need to pet and brush the beard so it is happy as Larry.
• Not talking to your beard. Like with plants, you must coax the beard hair from your face with soothing platitudes. “You are my precious darling…” you can croon, whilst cradling your beard lovingly in your hands.
• Not using your beard as ear plugs. If it’s noisy, get the stuff in there. Your beard has many uses. Here are some more:
  • An effective mop (depending on beard length).
  • Ear cleaner.
  • Toilet bowl cleaner.
  • Reusable bog paper alternative.
• Not giving your beard a pet name. We suggest “Gerald” or “Mandy”. However, perhaps give it a manly man name. That’s more manly. “Rupert” is also fine.

Well, we think that covers it. In the same way your beard covers your face, man bloke. Any thoughts? Let us know in the comments below. Right after this next bit.

Advice For Women Growing a Beard

Women—for 99.9% of you, trying to grow a beard will be a waste of time. Don’t bother!

However, if you’re in that 0.1% then you can just follow the above advice for geezers. Just make sure to dab some perfume into your beard. For femininity reasons.