It’s that time of year where everyone sets themselves life goals they’ll soon have abandoned. But there’s no harm in trying, eh?
As such, we’re helping today’s latest halfwit set himself some realistic targets. Very helpful of us, eh? This mood won’t last.
Realistic New Year’s Resolution Goals
Dear Agony Aunt. I'm Connor. So, yeah, it's that time of year again when I set myself the usual New Year's resolutions: - Lose weight - Eat more healthily - Marry some bitch - Produce some little shits (e.g. kids) - Attend more far-right demonstrations - Denounce diversity - Take up baking That was my list for 2020 and other than spending too much time on social media denouncing libtards, I didn't really achieve anything else. So, can you please help a guy out? I feel like 2021 should be my year, you know? I'm 38 and need to get shit on the road. My mother is hassling me for little ones and she's 55 now. She says she wants at least 30 years of excessive mothering over my kids and I'm under pressure. And I've not even met a bitch yet. Should I do online dating or what? Or just hit on one in a bar, "Get your coat love, you've pulled." That sort of thing? Cheers, Connor
Hi, Connor. This depends entirely on how you define “realistic”, which is a term open to interpretation.
For example, one of our resolutions is to invade Cornwall. It’s probably unrealistic, but for now it seems realistic enough to go ahead with in Q1.
Anyway, for the sake of this feature, we’ll presume you simply want to do the whole get married, get richer, have kids kind of thing. All within the bubble of your particular ideologies.
Our advice to you is this—broaden your horizons. Aim high.
You’re clearly dumb and self-absorbed enough to not let defeat and/or ridiculous goals get in your way. As a result, we recommend cryogenic freezing.
For a mere £150,000 you can freeze yourself into a block of ice with the potential to emerge back into society hundreds of years from now.
Cryonics: The Ultimate New Year’s Resolution
Cryonics is entirely safe and involves your entire body, or head, becoming frozen. This is under the belief technology in the future will bring you back to life.
There are many reasons why you’d want to do this:
- So you can wake hundreds of years from now with the aim of proving to libtards climate change was a hoax.
- To flirt with the many alien space babes no doubt living on Earth in the future.
- To escape the pressures of your overbearing mother.
- So you can take time away from the exhausting modern dating scene.
- To reintroduce “Get your coat, love, you’ve pulled” back into the popular parlance of future society.
Obviously, you’ll need to fork out the £100,000+ plus for all of this.
Or you can turn to homemade alternatives. For example, fill a bathtub with ice cubes and climb on in.
Alternatively, find a frozen lake, weight yourself down, and dive on in. Have a note on your person stating:
“Hello. I didn’t commit suicide. I’m merely a time traveller from the past. I wanted to cryogenically freeze myself to join future societies as I’m sick to death of all the snowflake leftists ruining life in 2021. Please revive me so that I can contribute to society. I look forward to repopulating future life with babies. I’m a real man. I spit, belch, and refuse to use the bog brush. I’ll be a big hit with all the space babes no doubt nagging their way through future life lol you know what I mean? They all belong in the kitchen! Cheers, Connor”
We hope this helps you out and all the best for your futuristic endeavours.