This morning we woke up to a most pressing matter. What is the greatest human foot in the whole of human history?

You can imagine how this issue pained us so. Thusly, we had to thrash out our pontifications for today’s foot-based post.

Determining the Greatest Foot Ever

The many thousands of amazing feet out there.

Think of it. Mozart’s feet. Einstein’s tootsies. Marie Curie’s left foot and right foot.

With all these feet going on, what could you say is the GREATEST foot in all of human history? Well, we found out for you.

We took many painstaking quantitative and qualitative steps to work this out. We scoured through the long, long history of feet. We also interviewed some of the great modern feet owners, such as Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Well, we tried to anyway. We contacted his agent. But were told:

“Don’t contact us again, please.”

What gives? Anyway, we took to determining the issue on the following factors:

• The size of the person’s feet.
• The size of the person’s toes.
• The stature of the person’s big toe.
• The stench of the person’s feet.

We quickly found determining all of that lot was a tricky feat. But that didn’t stop us.

Over the last week, we’ve toured around online through extensive websites in Google. The type of research that would’ve taken 50 years in the pre-internet days.

And we’ve come to a pretty solid conclusion about the greatest human foot in the whole of history. Based on this major criteria:

• Just how big the foot was.

Thusly, please cover your ears to avoid tinnitus as we blast out this fanfare reveal. 🎺 🙌🎉

The Most Important Foot is… Bigfoot!

There he is. Or she. Whatever, Bigfoot is definitely the best foot ever.

And definitely not a man in a gorilla suit being filmed by his mate. That’s the Patterson-Gimlin film from 1967 there filmed in Bluff Creek of California.

And we believe it’s the sort of qualitative and quantitative piece of evidence that is irrefutable. You can’t argue with the above. Look at those feet!

So, which is better—Bigfoot’s left or right foot?

Well, we had to get pedantic and say his left foot spends most of the time in the camera frame.

Happenstance, yes, but that’s the way history falls sometimes. As such, Bigfoot’s big left foot is the very best foot in history.

Good news for lefties all over the world, we guess.

The beast’s reward? We dunno… a foot massage, we guess. Having size 12s like that must lead to nasty blisters and all sorts. Three cheers! 🎊 🏆

Oh yeah, and if anyone thinks we’re being stupid here, yes Bigfoot is real and yes the above video proves it.