Agony Aunt: “My boyfriend won’t hold hands in public!”

A couple holding hands in public on a sunny day.
Nice watch!

For some couples, holding hands in public is a sign of unit. That you’re together and no other leering jackass can come and flirt with you.

However, some human males aren’t so fond of hand holding. So, how does the human female change that state of affairs? Us to the rescue!

What to do When Your Boyfriend Won’t Hold Hands

Dear Agony Aunt. I'm Gemma and I'm 21. My boyfriend, Will, is the man of my dreams and I want to keep other women away from him! Problem is, he's making that dead difficult.

He won't hold my hand in public! Ever. Like... WTF!? All my girlfriends have boyfriends who hold hands in public and they're taking the piss out of me because we all go out and then only me and Will are there not holding hands. It's dead awkward. 

He said it's because he wants to be, "Sure of my safety during the pandemic." And that the others are "foolish" for wanting to hold hands still.

I told that to my bestie Fiona and she said Will is clearly mentally ill and needs to stop reading The Guardian. And that I should dump him. And that I was stupid to go out with him. And that he's stupid and ugly. And that he's dumb. I think she went a bit overboard with the insults.

Anyway, I don't want to leave Will as it's sweet he's considering my health and safety and all that. But he's bloody well embarrassing me in public and around my friends!

Last week we were in the park and not holding hands, so this other guy comes up and guys, "All right, sweet cheeks, fancy coming round mine later?" And I said I'm in a relationship and the guy goes, "With who!?" And I point to Will who smiles at the guy and the guy then called him a "dickhead" and walked off flipping the middle finger at us.

I've mentioned this to Will but he's not budging on the hand holding thing. This is just not fair! It's easy! He just takes my hand and holds it! Nothing else to it! What do I have to do?! Gemma

Hi, Gemma. We must say we think Will’s stance is pretty sound here, but if you really want him to hold your hand there are a few options.

The most obvious solution we can think of is to cut off one of his hands with a chainsaw and then carry that around with you at all times.

However, in this nanny state, PC, lefty-ruined society, that may well be deemed as “illegal”. Or something.

So we’ve come up with a few ideas below that don’t involve decapitation:

  • Get an arm off a mannequin and stuff it up Will’s sleeve, then you can go around holding hands with that. No one will see through this ruse.
  • Handcuff Will’s hand to yours during the night, so at least he kind of has to almost hold your hand at all times.
  • Try subliminal brainwashing. Play The Beatles’ hit single I Want to Hold Your Hand during the night, convincing Will of what he needs to do.
  • Threaten to punch your boyfriend in the face unless he does what you ask of him.
  • Get a new boyfriend—one who’ll bow to your every whim.

Ultimately, not holding hands isn’t the worst dating sin ever. Just be wary of other human male issues that may start building up. Such as:

  • Clogging the toilet.
  • Leaving stubble all over the sink.
  • Leaving the toilet seat up.
  • Forgetting who you are.

Any signs of that stuff and ditch that zero and get yourself a hero, lady! All the best.

15 comments

  1. I’m going with a foot theory, in this case. You hold his bare foot in your hand. He hobbles beside you. The other people will look and run away.
    I have not heard anything about washing your feet 50 times a day to prevent this virus thing. Thusly, one of his main reasons is moot! Thank you!

    Liked by 3 people

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