Lonely Hearts 2021: Women Seeking Men

A cartoon woman holding in a magnet to draw in men.
YOLO.

Are you a geezer on the prowl for the dame of your dreams? Well, you’re in luck! Today we’ve got a massive batch for you. Take your pick, wisely, brave sir! And go forth and marry.

P.S. If you’re a dame after your prime geezer, don’t forget to check out 2021’s men seeking women.

Online Dating 2021: The Women

Are you a swaggering bachelor on the prowl for a human female? Take your pick from the below and we’ll matchmake you!

Box 1: Jane, 32, Manchester

Hobbies: Baking enormous cakes.

Description: Hiya, I’m Jane and I’m a baking enthusiast. I’m on a mission to bake the biggest cake in history. My research shows some Indian bakers in Kerala did a cake at six kilometres, so I’m aiming to beat that.

I’m starting it off in my flat and then I guess it’ll have to extend out into Manchester, Greater Manchester, and then through various parts of Lancashire.

I need a baking partner and/or boyfriend to will me on with positivity and encouragement. Because everyone else keeps saying I’m “batshit crazy”.

I told my mother about it and she burst into tears. What’s wrong with these people!? I need your support!

Box 2: Becky, 40, Bristol

Hobbies: Getting married.

Description: So I’m pretty panic-stricken because all my friends are married and loaded up with kids, but I’m single and it’s not fair and I want that!

So now I’m getting older I just need anyone. Anyone will do! Let’s meet for a date and if we get on then we need to be married.

So I’m not fussy we just need to DO THIS! I need four kids by the time I’m 45, otherwise my teenage ambition of having four kids won’t happen!

You need to be virile, moderately coherent, and have a job. That’s it. That’s all I’m asking for! LET’S DO THIS!

Box 3: Becky, 41, Bristol

Hobbies: Getting divorced.

Description: Are there any decent men out there!? I’ve been married seven times and they’ve all ended in divorce because of the DICKHEADS out there!

My advice to women is to STAY AWAY from men as MARRIAGE just ENDS in DIVORCE!

So what do I want? Just a bloke. No marriage. Just a relationship with SOMEONE who ISN’T a DICKHEAD. What do I mean by that? Signs of BEING a DICKHEAD include (but aren’t limited to):

  • Clogging the toilet.
  • Refusing to do the washing up.
  • Spending every night down the pub.
  • Leaving me to look after the kids.

Anything LIKE that! Think you can behave yourself? Good! Join me and my eight kids—you’ll need to help fund them through university.

Box 4: Becky, 21, Bristol

Hobbies: Cement, concrete, and pavements.

Description: Hello I’m Becky and I’m studying to become a construction engineer. I have a unique interest in cement and keep a dozen bags in my flat at all times along with my cement mixer. I often indulge in late night cement mixing. It helps me relax.

I’m looking for a man who also likes cement. Preferably a builder with a large beer gut and loose pants so when he bends down his arse cleavage shows. I don’t find that attractive, I just need the real deal. No fakers or phonies. Just pure cement fascination.

Box 5: Becky, 23, Bristol

Hobbies: Fashion.

Description: I spend £3,000 a month on clothes so need a boyfriend or husband to fund my interest. In return you get someone my mummy calls an “obnoxious spoiled brat”. That’s the best testimonial I have about myself. Drop me a message!

Box 6: Lucy, 30, Islington of London

Hobbies: Crime.

Description: I’m planning to rob the Bank of Georgia in London and need some accomplices. I have the shotguns, face masks (David Beckham ones), and a pint of gin if it all falls flat on its arse and we need to drink away the disappointment.

If this endeavour also results in a romantic liaison with one of my accomplices, then I’d consider that a theft well done.

Box 7: Sandra, 75, Leyland

Hobbies: Illegal scientific experiments.

Description: Hello I’m Sandra. I’m a retired former brain surgeon and, due to boredom, I’m trying out various experiments. For no real reason. It’s a laugh, isn’t it?

As such, I need male subjects for brain transplants—I’m attempting to remove one brain and place it into another male’s skull (with their brain removed) and see if you can transform one personality to another body.

My medical training and experience tells me this is madness, but then I’m feeling a little bit crazy these days. Yesterday I went to the supermarket in my slippers and dressing gown. The security guard looked at me funny and so I tried to transplant his brain on the spot. This resulted in the police turning up.

Anyway, now that’s sorted I just need, say, four or five men so I can try this out. You’ll get paid £1,000 for your time and also get a lollipop.

Should you die horribly during the experiment, I’ll inform your next of kin (and also provide them with a lollipop).

Box 7: Maggy, 80, Coppull

Hobbies: Marble collecting, stamp collecting, collecting things in general.

Description: I like collecting marbles and I need someone who will help me collect marbles. I also need you to store them after I’ve had them out in my home because I usually just leave them lying around on the floor and my guests keep slipping over on them and suffering terrible injuries.

Just last week my son slipped at the top of the staircase and broke his arms and legs on his way down. He’s always been so clumsy.

My future husband MUST be marble crazy like me. I’m not looking for someone my age, I’m looking for someone in their 20s who can manage all of their affairs as well as mine, because I usually just like sitting about watching TV during the day interspersed with bouts of marble playing.

Box 8: Dickhead Deirdre, 48, Leicester

Hobbies: Being a dickhead, buying dangerous things online (such as acid), sneering down on society, haughtiness, acknowledging my superiority over everyone else.

Description: Me again. Still single after all these years. My doctor tells me it’s due to severe personality flaws, so I throttled the bastard by his neck. He’s just jealous because of my personal freedom!

But yeah. Had a date this time last year before all this COVID nonsense and the guy was a total wuss. Escaped through the restaurant lavatory window. So I did a runner from the place so I didn’t have to foot the bill.

Anyways, trying this out again. What I want from a man? I seek to pulverise some empathetic weakling into an emotional pustule.

In return… well… I’m all right on some days. Just don’t expect laughter and enjoyment. I’m a real life-sapping bastard.

Box 9: Kelly, 25, Leeds

Hobbies: Almond milk and vegan milk alternatives.

Description: Hello I’m Kelly and I run an almond milk business. I’m not really looking for a boyfriend because I’ve been married since 2016, I just need staff for the almond factory.

Your job will be to syphon almonds through the machines and make sure the almond milk is pure and holy.

You’ll do this by stripping off naked and swimming in the vats of almond milk. This is what gives my product its special kick. Just don’t tell the Food Standards Agency! It’s illegal.

But the human form should never be illegal! Which is why I personally add my own dandruff, spit, and fingernail clippings to each and every one litre bottle of my almond milk. Vintage me.

Box 10: Generic Human Female, 26, Devon

Hobbies: N/A

Description: I do not identify as anything other than Generic Human Female and you must address me as this at all times.

There will be no wedding. There will be no children. There will be no enjoyment and/or coitus.

I expect Generic Human Male to join me for a generic existence based on stoic principles and dreariness.

I am currently establishing a digital agency called Generic Digital. This is my line of work. I specialise in making generic marketing campaigns.

I do not have any friends. I do not converse with my family. My mission in life is to be indifferent—in this I will find happiness through an emotionless being.

If you feel this is for you, then we can go on a date of my choosing. I usually prefer sitting on a stone bench facing each other and not talking.

If you can withstand this (and the subsequent piles), you are a worthy partner.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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