Ask Dr. Moron: “How do I control my caffeine intake?”

A cup of coffee surrounded by coffee beans.
Fresh coffee straight from the jar.

Most people like to wake up each morning and have a shot of absinthe, followed by smoking a cigar and then a cigarette. They’ll then round this off with a glug of high strength coffee.

But when is drinking too much caffeine a problem? Today’s concerned human male was right to get in touch, as we’re always here to… help! I need somebody, help! etc.

Are You Drinking Too Much Caffeine?

Disclaimer: We’re not qualified medical people and have no idea what we’re on about. Please ignore all of our medical “advice”.

Hi doctor! I'm Paul. I have a busy job as a shed repairer and I'm on call 24/7 for any shed-based emergencies.

Last month, at 3 am, someone's shed fell over in a strong gust of wind and the woman shed owner called me in hysterics. "It's my husband Gerald's life!!" she were wailing. So I had a shot of coffee and rushed out and fixed the shed. The woman was beside herself and said I'm as kind as Jesus. That made my day. 

So I'm like this all the time, heading off out and drinking lots and lots of black coffee. The wife says my breath is like, "A decayed walrus carcass that's next to a cesspit." And I don't quite get her problem, I brush my teeth once a day and only smoke 15 ciggies a day.

Whatever, the breath isn't a problem. It's the caffeine. I noticed I had a problem when I kept waking up each morning juddering quite wildly after nights spent dreaming about black coffee. 

I've been up to 20 litres of black coffee a week and my sight has gone a bit funny, my brain feels like it's electrocuted and I'm generally hyper-tense and jumpy about the most stupid things.

The postman turned up yesterday and I accused him of being a Nazi war criminal and went at him with an egg whisk. He's agreed to not press charges after the wife gave him £50. 

Worse, it's affecting my job. I went to attend one shed emergency at 4am (some youths had blown it up with a gas canister) and couldn't put out the flames because I detoured to a 24/7 McDonald's for black coffee.

The shed owner was very angry and left a 1/5 review on my website. It says:

"The worst shed repairment business I have ever encountered! During an emergency he didn't attend the emergency and instead went to get a coffee from McDonald's. His apology aside, this isn't acceptable! Coffee isn't an emergency! A recently detonated shed is! Will not be using this service again!"

I decided to hold a press conference for the local press to explain my actions. I booked out the town hall and everything, but on the way there I got sidetracked and spent three hours in Starbucks drinking different variants of spiced coffee. 

The one journalist who turned up at the event wrote a scathing piece! "Halfwit repairmen has coffee fixation"—I threatened libel but he just laughed and called me a "tosser". 

This is ruining my reputation! How can I control my caffeine addiction, doc? Paul

Hi, Paul. Yes, that does sound like a bit of a problem. It’s not like you’re crashing down off a mixture of heroin and ether though, is it? Man up!

We suggest you switch to decaf and sort your life out. Many sheds depend on this! So, here’s your four week recovery plan:

  • Go to the shops and buy some decaf coffee.
  • Drink the decaf coffee instead of the normal coffee.
  • Become a more reliable citizen.

All the best with that! And if you lapse to normal black coffees, maybe check yourself into a rehab clinic or something.

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