Agony Aunt: “My husband talks in his sleep and it’s disturbing!”

A cartoon person sleeping and dreaming of a fish in the night sky.
Fish dreams are the best dreams.

Sleep is important as it ensures you don’t feel sleepy. But during sleep, some humans are prone to dreams, sleepwalking, and/or talking during their sleep.

For significant others on the other side of the bed, this can prove terrifying. And today’s human female is just that. 

How to Stop Your Partner’s Sleep Talking 

Hiya. I'm Carla and I'm from Bath. I'm 45 and I like to [Editor: We've truncated this opening section as she prattles on about her life for 500 words. Ain't nobody got time for that, girl!]

So, I've got this problem where my husband talks during his sleep. Well... talks, sings, bellows, argues, shouts, screams... I'm at my wits' end!!

I've not had a proper night's sleep in months. This is his random itinerary with sleep talking during any given week:

- Bellowing ABBA's hit single Dancing Queen at the top of his lungs for hours on end.

- Screaming hysterically for no apparent reason. The neighbours are particularly vexed about this one.

- Shamanic chanting about the devil, Beelzebub, and how the end of the world is coming.

- Bellowing renditions of the Coronation Street opening theme (sometimes he accompanies this with interpretive dance, thrashing about in the bed in the process).

- Yodelling.

- Furiously arguing with imaginary people about all sorts of subjects (petrol prices, his cigarette breaks at work, the lack of certain types of cheese at the supermarket cheese counter etc.)

- Roaring abuse at the referee in his dream land football matches (it's common to have him bellowing "THE REFEREE'S A WANKER!" over and over for hours at a time—the neighbours don't like this bit either).

- Flirting outrageous with imaginary women in his dreams ("Get your coat love, you've pulled" is an unusual favourite of his).

- Screeching his rendition of Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On.

This is all exhausting for me. We go to bed usually at about 11pm and this lot starts by 12 and there's no escaping it.

I tried sleeping on the cough, in the back garden... but I can always hear my husband! Worse, my son who's 14 is baffled by all this and is also now in a state of chronic insomnia.

I was so tried I accidentally cooked pop tarts on toast yesterday morning instead of beans on toast.

Help! For the love of God, help me get this under control!

I've talked to my husband about it but he fails to see what the problem is. "If you're poor, you should work harder!" he said. He reads the Daily Mail and, on this subject, there's not a lazy soundbite for him to rely on so he can dismiss the issue.

Please help my family get its life back. If I hear Dancing Queen one more time I'm going to have a nervous breakdown! Yours, Carla

Hi, Carla. Yes, we can see why this might be a tad frustrating. 

Have you tried recording your husband’s sleep talking fits? Better yet, video record him one night. Then play it back to him the next day. This should help him see the error of his ways. 

However, it may prove difficult for him to accept. 

It’s not nice to realise your sleeping habits are the bane of other people’s existence. He may even burst into tears upon the realisation. 

Well, sod his emotions. You need a proper kip. Here’s your plan of action:

  • Set up a video camera to record his antics one evening. 
  • Play this to him the next day. 
  • If he objects to your empirical evidence, cattle prod him (you’ll need to buy a cattle prod at some point). 
  • If he bursts into tears, mock him mercilessly and call him a “precious snowflake”. 

This should solve the matter. If it doesn’t… well, we dunno. Divorce him or something. Best of luck, Carla!

5 comments

  1. Perhaps Carla could somehow hone his sleep singing to the yodelling?
    Otherwise, yes divorce may be the answer!

    Dear Alex, Apologies for not being around. A work of art attacked me. I maintained a severely sprained ankle, and a grizzly wound. I’ve been laid up doing the RICE thing.
    Finally, I’m hobbling around.
    It’s not comfy at the computer, or having it in bed with me, so I’m drawing and playing an old video game, Infamous. It’s been about 9 days now.
    Time to rest and ice!

    Liked by 1 person

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