Agony Aunt: “My husband always walks around with his top off!”

A man looking at his watch realising it's time to take his top off
“Well, it’s that time of day again. Time to get semi-naked!”

With spring here and summer on the way, temperatures are rising. And that means some men want to prove their masculinity by getting semi-naked.

Whatever time of day, some geezers just can’t want to get their top off. But what if you have a husband embarrassing you so? We’re here to help.

How to Control Men Taking Their Tops Off in Public Places

Dear Agony Aunt. My husband, Charles, is 64 this summer. For many decades he's enjoyed the summer sun and sunbathing. He particularly loves showing off at summer by walking around in public spaces with his top off. This has, recently, caused a few problems. 

When I married him in 1989, he was in fine shape as a young and handsome man! He was buff! These days, he's bald, bloated, and about as attractive as an obese walrus sunburnt in the sun groaning in agony. 

"Why don't you divorce him?!" I hear you cry. Well, he's quite wealthy and I enjoy the easy lifestyle. Even if every time I see him it makes me wince a little inside. 

Summer is on the way, though, which means he'll be doing his usual trick of ripping his top off the moment a glance of sunlight hits him. 

Again, this was fine when he was ripped. But he's gained 10 stone in the last five years and his beer gut is as obstructive and objectionable as a bulldozer ploughing down a beautiful array of English countryside cottages (P.S. I hope you're enjoying my metaphors!). 

Last summer, during a break in lockdown periods, we went into a supermarket to buy our groceries. Soon as he was through the door his top was off, so he's wandering around in his shorts and sandals. Three old women he knocked over with his beer gut! He also has a profuse sweating problem, so was dribbling his bodily fluids all over the vegetables he was picking out of the aisle. 

One young mother called him a, "Disgusting pervert! Put your top on and have some decency and decorum!" Well, my husband was outraged! He wrote a letter of complaint to his local MP to indicte the younger snowflake genertions and their "fun ruining" concepts of nanny state etc. 

Gosh, I fear this all repeating again in 2021. How can I stop him? As soon as it hits 12-16°C I can assure you his top will be off and he'll be waddling around convinced he's sex on legs, even though I've actively seen his bulk cause several people to either vomit or pass out. Or perhaps that's just coincidence? Yours, Mildred

Hi, Mildred. Charles is clearly a man of his time where… social grace was a little less mentally demanding?

We’re not sure about that one. We’re from the ’80s, so it was an era of baggy clothing and Reni hats. If you get Charlie a Reni hat for summer it may distract from his lower extremities. That’s the first step we recommend.

Next, let’s look at the psychology of ripping one’s top off in public. Reasons for this include:

  • The preservation of youthful vigour (i.e. wanting to impress the babes, often in the delusional belief they’re still an Adonis shape).
  • Ego boosting machoism hoo-hahs.
  • To get a bit of a suntan.
  • They can’t afford to go on holiday to the Costa Dorada, so the local Lidl in Bolton will have to do as a makeshift beach.
  • They’ve let themselves go and just don’t give a crap anymore.

It isn’t too far removed from men spitting in public. Geezers do that to look tough.

But it’s mainly about flashing one’s abs to look macho and resplendent in manly attractiveness. Irrespective of whether one is a sweaty lardarse or not.

To get your husband to stop, you can try one of the following methods:

  1. Punch your husband in the face.
  2. Get him to wear onesies.
  3. Whilst he sleeps, tattoo disgraceful words onto his body, thusly shaming him and forcing him to wear shirts.
  4. Tell him he looks grotesque without a top on, shaming him into wearing more clothing.
  5. Divorce the bastard.

Hopefully it can be a well-clothed summer for you, Mildred.

And on a final note, yes. Yes, we did take note of your “metaphors”. And we think they were rubbish. All the best.

7 comments

  1. Well, I thought the metaphors were pretty good!
    Hey, is it legal for women to take their shirts off… you know, go topless where you live, Mildred?
    There was a landmark case in Ontario December 1996 – the Ontario Court of Appeal ruled that Gwen Jacob’s topless stroll down a street in Guelph was not obscene, making it legal for all women in Ontario to be topless in public.
    I suggest ALL older, out of shape women go topless. That might cure him and a few other duddies. Or, I suppose it could just start a topless thing all round.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Finally something I can contribute a bit of advice to. Carry a cattle prod Mildred and the second he begins the strip ( certainly not a tease) let him have a hearty jolt in the ribs or wherever you feel it warrants.

    Liked by 1 person

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