Agony Aunt: “My husband keeps doing farmer’s blow in public!”

A couple walking on a cobbled street holding hands
“Excuse me, darling, I need to perform a disgusting farmer’s blow. Be one second.”

Taking a human male into public with you is fraught with danger. They can get loud and angry, plus have bodily functions to take care of.

Snot is one such example. And farmer’s blow/bushman’s blow is the bane of many a human female’s life. Such as with today’s distressed wife!

Men Performing the Farmer’s Blow

Dear Agony Aunt. My husband, Ken, and I have been married for 40 years and there's one thing he's always done that's always left me most distressed!

It's called the "farmer's blow". It's where a man plugs one of his nostrils with his finger, so he can then forcefully blow out of the other. This distracts the mucus at some serious velocity. It goes flying out at an incredible rate. 

But Ken has started doing it much more in his recent years. Whenever we go out, it happens it least one. 

Last week we were strolling around town after lockdown ended and he did it three times! Once the booger when flying onto a young guy's jeans and the young guy called Ken a "Bellend!"

I've asked my husband why he's doing this so much and if he's worried about coronavirus. He told me to not be such a "silly woman" and that I'm exaggerating the issue and he's just clearing his nose and why do I have to be so PC about it? 

I told him he could just blow into a tissue, but he said that's bad for the environment and he wants to stop tissues from going into the bin.

And, well, I find it gross and disgusting! Whenever we are I have to listen to that loud "hnnh!" as he blasts one out of his nose and I just asked myself, "Is this the man that I married!?" Is divorce inevitable? Yours, Sandra

Hi, Sandra. The farmer’s blow is indeed a danger to society and you should treat the behaviour with the utmost caution.

As with spitting in public, it’s just wrong. But not illegal. And so, you may observe a human male walking down a street:

  • Coughing without covering his mouth.
  • Gobbing all over the floor.
  • Scratching himself inappropriately.
  • Performing a farmer’s blow.
  • Then sitting down and manspreading.

Remind your husband that if he wishes to farmer’s blow his nose, then he should perhaps become a farmer.

But if he’s too old for that we have a more obvious and brutal solution.

Break his nose. Use a hammer for this, or just punch him in the face, so he won’t be able to do any farmer’s blow at any point.

And every time his nose is reset, simply break his nose again.

Eventually, he’ll get so fed up of that he’ll just start using tissues again like a normal person. Problem solved!

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