After the recent aliens seeking kippers ordeal, it appears there’s an increase in the number of alien beings looking to do Earth in.

The below account can make for harrowing reading. Brace yourself, mortals, as it’s a hard-hitting experience that’s tough to stomach.

Alien Abduction Diary #5: Mr. and Mrs. Jones, 81 and 82 (respectively), Burnley

On a bright and sunny Monday morning, while Mrs. Jones and her husband Alf headed to Aldi supermarket for deals, the couple was abducted. By aliens.

The 300ft spaceship flew into Burnley, zapped the couple up with a space beam, and they were flown 450 billion light years north west to the Planet of Unspeakable Death, Destruction, Horror, Chaos, Mayhem, and Disaster.

“The Dodgy Planet”, as the aliens proudly call it (for short).

Once there, the aliens (7ft slobbering maniacs with tentacles for arms and 13 eyeballs) laid out their demands with this statement:

“Tremble and panic before us, you pathetic Earthling bastards! We are the aliens of The Dodgy Planet, voted the Most Unspeakably Horrible Planet 2021 in the whole of the universe by the Universal Universe Tourism Magazine.

Now. We have seen your planet, this ‘Earth’ as you call it. We think it is a rubbish planet and that you’re all sad, pathetic losers. Really, we don’t know why we even bother wasting our time dealing with you sad acts.

But we want to annihilate the human race! Because we want to keep that award for 2022 and this’ll help us out a great deal.

The problem is we’re kinda low on resources on our vastly superior and infinitely brilliant planet. So, we need your help in a highly lucrative and beneficial transaction that’ll work wonders for Earth, and us here on The Dodgy Planet.”

It transpired the aliens only have the one spaceship.

Whilst the species has a 50 billion strong army of space laser wielding lunatics ready to swarm across Earth, the spaceship can only transport 200 of them at a time down here.

As such, the aliens proposed to Mr. and Mrs. Jones (who were still a bit baffled at that stage) that Earth open up space trade with the aliens.

They suggested Earth’s leading conglomerates provide the aliens with the resources they need to create many more spaceships, so the aliens can then invade Earth and kill everyone horribly.

Grug, the planet’s Supreme Leader, told Mr. and Mrs. Jones:

“It’ll make one of your kind very, very, VERY wealthy. We can assure you! It’s a brilliant deal and we expect your answer in 24 hours!”

The aliens then transported the couple back to Earth and dropped them off just outside Aldi supermarket.

Mr. and Mrs. Jones immediately called the only businessman they know (John from the local newsagent) and asked him to contact the aliens on the email address they’d provided.

John subsequently began a trade deal with the aliens providing them with tabloid newspapers, wine gums, tobacco, alcohol, and bonbons.

Whilst the aliens were disappointed the resources are insufficient to mount an intergalactic assault across the recesses of space, they have described the wine gums as, “Really tasty!”

As such, it appears the chewy sugary sweets have managed to put the aliens off from invading Earth.

Type of Aliens

Quite psychotic, but easily assuaged with tasty sweets.

Alien Threat Level Rating

So long as Earth maintains a ready source of chewy sweet foodstuffs, the aliens shouldn’t be of much bother.

Miscellaneous Information

The aliens have also requested spotted dick and Battenberg cake, amongst many other confectionary delights, as further “resources”.

Alien Abduction Experience

Mr. and Mrs. Jones said they could understand why the aliens abducted for them, but Mr. Jones (speaking for himself and his wife) told us:

“It’s bloody outrageous they think they can come down ‘ere to stop us from shoppin’ at Aldi! We was just about to get the best deals on tinned goods and we was late to the shop and could only get discounted leek and potato soup. Back in my day, that would never of happened!”

The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict

After careful consideration, we believe the abduction to be very real and Mr. and Mrs. Jones were lucky to escape with only the loss of cheap tinned produce.

It’s also satisfying to know the alien beings seem quite happy with wine gums instead of oil, steel, radium etc.

Let us just hope there aren’t aliens out there who cannot be swayed by sugary confections.

For should that day ever arise, even a Mars Bar won’t save humanity from the terrifying onslaught of heavily armed, slobbering overlords.