Agony Aunt: “My husband thinks he’s psychic!”

A psychic woman with a third eye, her hands covering her other two
Mystic Meg.

Like Daphne Moon from Frasier, some people are convinced they’re in touch with extrasensory perceptions and all that jazz.

As an agony aunt, we have to be a bit psychic. And somewhat psychotic, too!

It all ensures we can help inferior people overcome their idiotic life problems. Which is what we’re here to do today.

The Psychic Husband

Dear agony aunt. My husband of 4 years, Ian, has been playing up recently. He claims he can hear and see things "simpletons" like me can't see because he has better clout with the universe than the likes of me. He says his father had these abilities, too, until he drunkenly fell of a cliff in Devon back in 1991. 

So, he wants to keep the family tradition going. He said. What tradition? His father was just drunk and fooling around when he said he could read people's thoughts!

Anyway, last month my husband declared himself psychic and decided to quit his job as a dentist and become a professional psychic. 

He runs this little operation out of the shed in the back garden, it's £20 "a go" as he puts it. 

He's developed a character called Metaphysical Mike, but our daughter is already calling him Mental Mike. And my husband gets very angry when she calls him that. 

Anyway, he's got his website up and he sees about 12 people a day so far. They have 30 minutes in the shed with him and Metaphysical Mike reads their palms, examines their eyeballs, does tarot cards, Ouija boards, and yodelling. 

He says the yodelling exercises evil spirits. I find myself sitting in the kitchen having a cup of tea, turning up the radio to try and drown out the sounds of yodelling wafting from the shed. 

The neighbours have also complained. Metaphysical Mike responded by putting a curse on their houses. The neighbours laughed off the threat, so my husband went out during last night, poured petrol over their houses, and set fire to them. 

The police visited this morning and he denies any involvement, although he calmed the coppers down by saying he'd lift the curse on the houses. The chief officer squinted at my husband when he said that and left without a word. 

Metaphysical Mike is now planning to add spoon bending, levitation, apportation, and pyrokinesis (controlling fire with one's mind) to his list of talents. 

He got stuck in this morning, after the police left, with levitation. He bought a hovercraft online and that'll be turning up tomorrow. He's used the family holiday budget to buy the thing. I wanted to go to Barbados! This is an outrage! And it has to stop! 

How can I make my husband normal again?! Yours, Sally

Hi, Sally. Has your husband actually done anything that showcases a psychic ability? For example:

  • Precognition: Predict a future event (such as the downfall of the Soviet Union)?
  • Psychic surgery: Cured an illness (such as a gammy leg) from a patient?
  • Telekinesis: Manipulate objects with his mind?

These are all common signs of psychic abilities and/or random chance working remarkably in the favour of someone’s delusions.

Because if he thinks owning a hovercraft will prove his levitation abilities then he’s sadly mistaken. When that thing arrives, all he’ll be is a hovercraft owner. No more.

Anyway, we’ve dabbled with this stuff over the years.

If you want your husband back to normal, conduct the following experiment as soon as you possibly can.

Hold An Emergency Séance

Now, get your Ouija board out and get in contact with your husband’s father. He’ll be able to talk some sense into Metaphysical Mike.

Remember, for the séance you’ll need to dress all in black and cover yourself in the blood of dead rats and bats.

You should also light incense sticks and perform harmonic yodelling to entice the spirts into your garden shed.

Then, once your husband’s father is in the building, the Ouija board will spell out some common sense to Metaphysical Mike.

We’ve seen this hundreds of times before. You’ll get a message along the lines of:

“Snap out of it, you bellend!”

Spirits prefer pithy statements to verbosity, you see.

Once your husband sees the message, he’ll probably snap out of it and return to his dentistry job.

He’ll also need to apologise for burning down your neighbours’ houses.

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