May 20, 2021Mr. Wapojif

The Chopping Board Treadmill: Work Out & Cook (simultaneously)!

A bowl of salad resting on a chopping board
Look at what you can accomplish when you run!

Want to keep fit? Want to eat at the same time!? Then the chopping board treadmill is the right contraption for you!

Choppo 1.0 is a fantastic device to aid in your weight loss goals. Read on for full details on the product that’ll transform your life forever more. Honest.

Keep Fit With Our Exclusive Chopping Board Treadmill

Baby, we were born to run. And chop. Our product proves this!

Whether you’re morbidly obese or just in need of shaving a few pounds off your Adonis frame, Choppo 1.0 is the exercise device you need.

In fact, we can proudly proclaim that without this device your entire life has been a dismal failure up until this point.

Just imagine how stupid and pathetic you’ve been all these years without it! Shocking, isn’t it?

How the Chopping Board Treadmill Works

There’s a simple three step process to keep you chopping and running.

  1. Arrange the foodstuffs you want to chop on the chopping board, which is mounted on the front of the treadmill next to the electronic display.
  2. Choose the running program of your choice and begin a steady jog, or full on sprint, or general canter.
  3. Grasp the razor-sharp blade of your choice in one hand and chop at the board between running on the spot.

It’s as easy as 1-2-3! Yes! Amazing! Imagine how great you’ll feel when you complete your workout totally knackered, but safe in the knowledge your food is ready to cook.

You’ll feel so great you’ll probably vomit in delight!

Health and Safety Measures

Of course, it’s important to ensure you don’t accidentally rupture a major artery whilst using Choppo 1.0.

During trial runs, our apprentice accidentally cut his left hand off during a 10,000 metre run whilst attempting to dice a red bell pepper.

He pleaded with us to call him an ambulance, but our esteemed editor and lead inventor (Mr. Wapojif) merely laughed and called the apprentice a “precious snowflake”.

Rest assured, the apprentice later made his own way to hospital, had his hand reattached, and has since quit the job (thusly confirming he is a precious snowflake!).

Anyway, and of course, this experience highlighted a few issues with Choppo 1.0 we’re *gritted teeth* legally obliged to inform you. These are:

  • There’s a high possibility of cutting, slicing, or knicking yourself whilst cutting vegetables and running on the spot. Be aware of this.
  • As you workout, there’s a strong possibility sweat will pour liberally from you and all over the food you’re preparing. Make sure anyone who’ll be eating the meal with you is okay with this state of affairs.
  • Preparing raw meats whilst running is a nightmare. If it’s, for example, raw chicken you’ll be cutting away, then wiping sweat from your forehead, and generally risking food poisoning at every turn. That’s worth keeping an eye on.
  • If you have servants/slaves, this product is an irrelevance.

Other than these minor issues, we’re happy to inform Choppo 1.0 is ready for purchase and it’s a fantastic addition to any lifestyle (that’s right, even lazy bastards).

Order Choppo 1.0 Today and Get a Free Turnip

At a mere £5,000 ($6,000), your home will look even better with the cool black steel of the chopping board treadmill sitting about the place blocking doorways etc.

Better yet, order yours today and you’ll get a:

  • 1% discount!
  • Free turnip!
  • 1% discount on delivery charges!

Should you be in any way dissatisfied with the product, you can return it to us at a charge of only £1,000.

28 comments

  1. Well,if that won’t convince anyone,turn it around and say, that while some blood might be spilled,all of it will go to the blood banks if there is a trained personel near by to take your blood 🙂 Or at least the rest of it. But I’m sure with enough training it can be quite enjoyable.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

  3. Yeah I’ve got some gibberish to dispense with – I’ve been trying to get a similar idea working for ages. But I figured out a way to make it a little more functional.

    What you want to do is attach the chopping board to your lawnmower. The cutting board is affixed to the bar that you hold down (the thing that keeps mower running, so if you die or faint mid-mow, the thing doesn’t keep going across the lawn, through the street, and into your neighbors front door murdering their cat). This way you are getting exercise, cutting the grass, -and- getting some much needed time saving food prep done.

    This cutting board would also have a hole attached to a funnel that goes down to a segmented-off section of the mower interior, where the blade can finely dice anything you need. More later gotta take the wolverine out

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    • I’m something of a lawn mower enthusiast and have patented the flame mower and lawnmowshower in the past. Both insanely dangerous. Both dismal failures. But I say the lawn mower is a fair more than just something that mows a lawn, so I commend your efforts here.

      And anything that causes you to die/faint during exercise/activities is an excellent idea. Some folks may baulk at that, but they’re just silly billies who need to add some fun and games into their lives.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

Dispense with some gibberish!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.