Pizza racing is the ultimate in high octane, adrenaline pounding, excitement-inducing racing action. And it’ll make you hungry whilst you watch it!
What’s Pizza Racing?
Pizza racing is like other forms of motorsport, such as Formula 1. Except the wheels of the vehicle consist of pizzas with various toppings.
A pizza racing car may have, for example, four wheels with toppings such as:
- Peperoni and ham
- Cheese and tuna
- Ham and pineapple (even though this is pure evil)
These are baked in an over for 15 minutes prior to being fitted to the pizza racing car. Drivers then take to the track and drive fast!
They drive so fast they drive the wheels off the thing. Hell yeah!
Literally, too! As in 99.9% of all pizza racing races the wheels collapse under the weight of the vehicle they sustain.
But don’t worry! There have only been 13 driver fatalities so far, most of which were due to food poisoning.
Further evidence, if it were needed, that you always need to cook foods thoroughly before consuming them.
Why Pizza Racing?
Why not pizza racing!? Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was eating pizza one day and then had an epiphany.
“I’m gonna change the world!” He yelled. Three months later, he’d stolen a few old racing cars and was baking up lots of homemade pizza.
And a series was born! After a few test runs driving the cars failed spectacularly (and resulted in three deaths), he felt the series was set to go live.
The Inaugural Pizza Racing GP
The very first pizza racing GP took place on 30th May, 2021, at a go-kart track in Lancashire.
40 enthusiastic entrants turned up. But the track wasn’t big enough, so 20 were sent home early. Several complained about this development and were shot dead with a bazooka.
After the 20 entrants qualified for the event, the race took place over 150 laps. This is what unfolded:
- 10 of the entrants ate the wheels intended for the pizza racing car before the start, ensuring they retired from the race before even starting.
- The start was delayed whilst the previous 20 entrants dismissed were called back to the track to make up the numbers. This included those shot dead with a bazooka, although they didn’t respond.
- The race finally began after a two hour delay. At the start, 10 of the pizza racing cars pizza wheels crumbled under the weight of the cars and collapsed on the spot. This resulted in half a dozen sprained ankles for the drivers.
- The race settled down, but multiple retirements ensued leaving only two drivers circulating the track.
- Bored spectators declared the event as “garbage” and went to leave.
- The two remaining drivers, bored, pulled off the circuit to consume the pizza. They later died of food poisoning.
No one was declared the winner and our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapoif, kept the winners’ trophies for himself.
He also declared the event a giant success and is now planning for the Pizza Racing Championships in 2022.
How to Enter the 2022 Pizza Racing Championship
There are three steps to become a pizza racing driver. These are:
- Learn how to drive.
- Build a racing vehicle.
- Have at least four pizzas ready for a race.
So long as you attach the pizza wheels to the car, you can compete! Oh, but we don’t accept any fussy eaters into the event.
If you’ve ever said anything like, “Oh, I don’t like that, me. I’m not a fussy eater, but I don’t eat [insert long list of irrational problems].” You are not welcome!
Food-Based Racing Health and Safety Disclaimer
All entrants take part at their own risk. The Pizza Racing Association (PRA) will not be held responsible for any horrifying injuries sustained whilst competing.
This includes either a bone crunching accident or illness due to eating spoiled pizza.
Entrants must provide their own racing vehicle and pizzas.
All varieties of pizza are welcome, but any competitors attempting to compete with a pineapple and ham combination will be banned for life.
On a final note, PEDs (performance enhancing drugs) are actively encouraged amongst all competitors. Including ketamine.