Now that lockdown restrictions are lifting in many regions of the world, many desperate individuals are dusting off their chat up lines to hit local bars.
But what if you’ve lost your magic? What if “Get your coat, love, you’ve pulled!” is suddenly falling flat? We’re here to help!
Also, don’t forget we have our 2021 Men Seeking Women and 2021 Women Seeking Men dating columns to help get our readers back on The Love Mobile.
How to Date After a Pandemic
Hi agony aunt. As you know, the pandemic is now over and everything is 100% back to normal. So, I want to get out there and meet women. I've tried to stay active with online dating over the last year but got nowhere really I'm not sure why. This is what I put on my dating profile: Name: Derek Age: 52 Job: Yes, shelf stacker (I was sacked from my job as a company director after an... "incident") Hobbies: Yes Kids?: Yes, but they don't speak to me anymore and have a restraining order against me. Married: Widowed, the wife was involved in an incident where she died because of the chainsaw I have. But, as God as my witness, I didn't do it and the court agreed. What I'm looking for: I need a woman who isn't dead by being cleaved in two. I've had a tough time over the last few years since the wife buggered off, but now I need a woman to fuss over me, treat me right, cook my meals, and help piece my life back together. No fatties, please. End I showed this to my mates down the pub and they all agreed it's an incredible dating profile. "That's amazing!" Said my best mate Dave. He was so impressed he got me to write his dating profile (for sleeping around behind his wife's back). However, that one got Dave banned from the site and he was reported to the police. So clearly that one wasn't my best effort ever, but you live and learn. And anyway, the ladies aren't responding to my one either! I've had no luck at all! Please... I need tips on getting top totty! Cheers, Derek
Hi Derek. First of all, we’d like to plug Demented Doreen’s Disastrous Dating Department. It’s an up-and-coming platform that is perfect for you.
Okay, next up we’d suggest you be upfront about the murder case you were evidently involved in.
Detail your whereabouts pedantically, indicate your alibi, and put your entire criminal record up on the dating site.
You should also prove you no longer own any chainsaws, as this may be a point of concern for some individuals.
Next, you’ll need to buy lots of leather goods. Babes dig leather, so make sure you’re looking the part.
Buying Lots of Leather For Dating Purposes
Wearing masses of leather will make human females forget about your troubling past. This is for two reasons:
- You’ll look totes amazeballs.
- The stench of leather will override all other considerations.
As such, head straight to your nearest leather shop to buy items such as:
- A jacket.
- Trousers.
- Gloves.
- Hat.
- Scarf.
Everything must be leather. Also, remember not to carry a chainsaw with you during any of these purchasing decisions. Or after!
Remember, it’s imperative you distance yourself from all chainsaws, Derek!
So, when you meet the human female for a date hand over any chainsaws you’re carrying, provide a written copy of the court’s verdict on your case, bow mightily, and mop any pools of sweat gathering on your forehead due to all the leather you’re wearing.
This charm offensive will woo the human female mightily. She may even faint in awe.
If this is the case, check to make sure she isn’t dead, then resume the date once she regains consciousness.
And remember! Don’t rev the chainsaw whilst she’s unconscious as a boredom breaker. Control yourself, man!
I don’t know how anyone could pass on Derek….😎
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With a name like that, it’s instant marriage prep time!
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I hope he takes me somewhere nice, like the fish and chips hut.
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It’s called a chippy. He’ll be nice so long as you don’t call it a “fish and chips hit”.
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He’ll hit me with the fish and chips?
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Actually, dear Meece, this post is deceiving. Chainsaw, chainsaw, chainsaw, chainsaw, ..pfft!
What about the flamethrower? I’m sure ‘Oron is trying to throw us off Derek’s flamethrower with this pathetic …man up about the chainsaw.
He’ll for sure hit you with that chippy stuff.
First he’ll make it extra crisp with his flamethrower.
The Beast!
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It’s always chainsaws or flamethrowers on this STUPID blog. Whatever happened to good old bazookas?
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Yes, what did happen to them? Did you get into some kind of trouble?
Arnie will not be happy about this!!!!!
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I had an atom bomb phase and, yes, neglected the bazookas. I’ll put that right!
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I feel sorry for your old bazookas.
Tsk, tsk… neglect is an ugly state!
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I know, I need to get my crap in order! My birthday is coming up, so I may bake a bazooka cake.
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Ah, you’re in jail! Finally!
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I do actually live right next to a jail, it’s called Strangeways (HM Prison Manchester). From out my flat window I see the prison… and some lovely hills off in the distance of Winter Hill!
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Egads! What if there’s a prison break?
Winter Hill sounds nice.
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There was a prison break, but it was in 1990. Not had many since then.
Winter Hill looks good during winter.
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Still, your bazooka, chainsaw and flamethrower are making more sense!
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It’s Manchester, lady! Gotta protect meself with more than a buzzed hairdo. 👨🦲
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Perhaps you should add a pair of scissors to you arsenal!
I have scissors. Bad dudes stay away. I know how to cut…ribbons, bias, shapes, fringe, zig zags, necklines, armholes …I could go on, but you might have run away at this horrific point of my scissors… which can make holes as well.
So there!
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Scissors are rubbish. Why use scissors when you can use a chainsaw? British logic right there.
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I COULD! He looks like a dead cow.
Now, if he was honest enough to moo, I might recnsider!
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So the dead cow look is in his autumn? Interesting fashion tips.
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NOT in..NOT
Get some ears!!!!
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What sort of ears? Like a rabbit? Because they have great ears.
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Sure…yes..hop right on that!
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Bunny rabbits are cute.
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Yes, as is Murray!
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TRUTH! The cutest of them all! Is Murray!
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For reelz! I think I met this guy on Tinder.
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It’s all about Binder these days, git wid da thymes!
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Tinder and Grindr were still up and running during both lockdowns in London (I heard). So someone must have been dating someone all throughout that pandemic.
(Just saying…)
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Peeps seemed to do video dating on Zoom etc. Not that I did. But I bet it’d take off quite a few first day nerves.
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