Agony Aunt: “I need help with my post-lockdown dating life!”

A woman on a date holding a coffee
“Uh oh… he’s a total freak of nature. Just keep smiling and then run the next time he picks his nose.”

Now that lockdown restrictions are lifting in many regions of the world, many desperate individuals are dusting off their chat up lines to hit local bars.

But what if you’ve lost your magic? What if “Get your coat, love, you’ve pulled!” is suddenly falling flat? We’re here to help!

Also, don’t forget we have our 2021 Men Seeking Women and 2021 Women Seeking Men dating columns to help get our readers back on The Love Mobile.

How to Date After a Pandemic

Hi agony aunt. As you know, the pandemic is now over and everything is 100% back to normal. So, I want to get out there and meet women.

I've tried to stay active with online dating over the last year but got nowhere really I'm not sure why. This is what I put on my dating profile:

Name: Derek
Age: 52
Job: Yes, shelf stacker (I was sacked from my job as a company director after an... "incident")
Hobbies: Yes
Kids?: Yes, but they don't speak to me anymore and have a restraining order against me.
Married: Widowed, the wife was involved in an incident where she died because of the chainsaw I have. But, as God as my witness, I didn't do it and the court agreed.
What I'm looking for: I need a woman who isn't dead by being cleaved in two. I've had a tough time over the last few years since the wife buggered off, but now I need a woman to fuss over me, treat me right, cook my meals, and help piece my life back together. No fatties, please.

End

I showed this to my mates down the pub and they all agreed it's an incredible dating profile. "That's amazing!" Said my best mate Dave. He was so impressed he got me to write his dating profile (for sleeping around behind his wife's back). 

However, that one got Dave banned from the site and he was reported to the police. So clearly that one wasn't my best effort ever, but you live and learn.

And anyway, the ladies aren't responding to my one either! I've had no luck at all! Please... I need tips on getting top totty! Cheers, Derek

Hi Derek. First of all, we’d like to plug Demented Doreen’s Disastrous Dating Department. It’s an up-and-coming platform that is perfect for you.

Okay, next up we’d suggest you be upfront about the murder case you were evidently involved in.

Detail your whereabouts pedantically, indicate your alibi, and put your entire criminal record up on the dating site.

You should also prove you no longer own any chainsaws, as this may be a point of concern for some individuals.

Next, you’ll need to buy lots of leather goods. Babes dig leather, so make sure you’re looking the part.

Buying Lots of Leather For Dating Purposes

Wearing masses of leather will make human females forget about your troubling past. This is for two reasons:

  1. You’ll look totes amazeballs.
  2. The stench of leather will override all other considerations.

As such, head straight to your nearest leather shop to buy items such as:

  • A jacket.
  • Trousers.
  • Gloves.
  • Hat.
  • Scarf.

Everything must be leather. Also, remember not to carry a chainsaw with you during any of these purchasing decisions. Or after!

Remember, it’s imperative you distance yourself from all chainsaws, Derek!

So, when you meet the human female for a date hand over any chainsaws you’re carrying, provide a written copy of the court’s verdict on your case, bow mightily, and mop any pools of sweat gathering on your forehead due to all the leather you’re wearing.

This charm offensive will woo the human female mightily. She may even faint in awe.

If this is the case, check to make sure she isn’t dead, then resume the date once she regains consciousness.

And remember! Don’t rev the chainsaw whilst she’s unconscious as a boredom breaker. Control yourself, man!

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