Combine Harvesters in the Office: Laws on Machines at Work

A combine harvester in a field
A combine harvester can prove highly productive in any office environment.

From time to time, your business may need to introduce a combine harvester into your office environment. This can cause some disruption, but it’s often essential for various reasons.

However, you can’t simply airlift the machinery into your premises without following crucial employment laws. This isn’t as simple as, for example, introducing fake plants at work.

As such, we’ll run you through these now so you can enjoy a hassle-free combine harvester experience.

Why Do You Need a Combine Harvester at Work?

There are many reasons why your business would want a combine harvester at work. These include:

  • So staff members can live out childish fantasies.
  • As an emotional support machine (similar to emotional support animals) for employees with mental health problems.
  • In the event your office carpet needs trimming.
  • Should you have crops in your workplace that require harvesting.
  • You have a spare combine harvester and need somewhere to keep it.

Due to these essential reasons, you may already be considering how to add a combine harvester into your workplace.

Before you do that, consider the employment laws that’ll keep you from getting into trouble if this all hits the fan (i.e. an employee gets hacked in two by the spinny, cutty blades of doom).

Introducing Heavy Machinery Into Your Office

There are various health and safety laws, along with more general employment laws, you need to consider regarding combine harvesters. These include:

  • The Reaping, Threshing, Gathering, And Winnowing Act 1972
  • The Combine Harvesters at Work Act 1974
  • The Versatile Machinery in the Workplace Act 1974
  • Crop Harvesting Machinery Requirements for Modern Workplaces Act 1975
  • Decapitation at Work Due to Combine Harvesters (Miscellaneous) Act 1990
  • The Combine Harvester Equality Act 2010 (which complements the Equality Act 2010)

In the Combine Harvester Equality Act 2010, on page 541 in section 45 (a) it states:

“Combine harvesters have feelings to and should be welcomed into your office environment like any new starter.

Provide the contraption with a tour of the building, introduce it to its colleagues, and provide it with a cup of tea.

You can then store the combine harvester into a utility closet large enough to contain its bulk, so you can use it at a later date on any crops you are growing in the office.”

If you don’t grow crops in your office… first off, why not? That’s a waste of land! Secondly, you can still keep a combine harvester irrespective of your crop free status.

Instead, you can use the machinery to impress visitors, stakeholders, and to terrify/befuddle any intruders.

Health and Safety Procedures For Managing a Combine Harvester in the Office

Due to the risk of serious decapitation and death, it’s important you have a skilled operator using the combine harvester at work.

This means you must expend much time, money, and resources to ensure all of your employees (no matter status or intelligence levels) can operate the contraption.

You’ll need to sign them all of your employees up to a heavy machinery course and fund their way through Combine Harvester University.

This isn’t a proper degree, merely professional development. Under The Combine Harvesters at Work Act 1974 it’s a legal requirement (on pain of hobbling with a sledgehammer).

Only when all of your employees (including the janitor) can drive and operate a combine harvester will they be able to return to work.

And this is even if 99.9% of them never even so much as look at the machinery during their time with your business.

If you have concerns your employees will simply want to head off into full-time jobs as combine harvest drivers, rest assured.

You can place a clause in your employment contracts blocking such a move.

Additionally, you can threaten to shoot your staff members dead with a gun to prevent all insubordination.

14 comments

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