Agony Aunt: “Why does the wife take 12 hours to get ready?”

A dressed up couple holding champagne glasses at an event
“It only took Doreen 17 hours to get ready!” Bob happily reported after successful dressing up for dinner therapy.

There’s a longstanding belief that human females take an inordinately enormous amount of time to get ready for things (such as nights out and nights in).

Today’s human male has such complaints, observing how his “the wife” requires living in a different time zone to ensure she arrives on time at their various social activities.

This is putting a strain on their marriage. But, luckily, us single morons who know nothing about marriage and here to provide loads of advice about marriage.

How Women Can Get Ready For Events QUICKLY

Hi agony aunt. You all right? Because I'm not. I'm not at all right! It's the wife. She's putting a strain on our marriage and I'm not happy about it.

And it's all because of her dressing up for nights out. She takes it so seriously it takes her 12 hours to get ready, which meant we'd always turn up to the events and they'd have ended like 6 hours earlier.

This meant we got a reputation for being late all the time and many of our friends began asking questions about our sanity. 

So we did the only thing we could. Sandra moved to a time zone 12 hours off in another country and now flies in whenever we have social events, having gotten ready previously and now she's able to arrive on time. We then attend the event (no matter how jet lagged she is) on time, enjoy ourselves, then I drive her to the airport and we wait for our next dinner party, in this case with Bruce from accounts in 2 weeks.

The things is... this all seems a bit ridiculous. The wife insists she needs 12 hours to get herself ready, but I argue 1 hour would be more than sufficient. 

But whenever I say that she becomes hysterical and will start beating me with her fists and handbag. And that makes me a bit frightened of her. 

So we carry on with this ridiculous run around. And it's costing us a fortune! Renting two properties and having her flying around all over the place. It's absurd! 

Please. Please! Help me save our marriage as this can't last much longer. Yours, Michael

Hi, Michael. This is a sorry state of affairs. But the good news is you can take immediate steps to alleviate this colossal burden.

We advise your send your human female (“the wife”) off to see a specialist therapist known as a Dressing Up For Dinnerologist (DUFD). This can be quite expensive, but the DUFD will teach your wife:

  • How to be economical with her time when dressing up.
  • Remaining within strict time limits to avoid lateness.
  • The types of dresses that don’t take multiple hours to get on.
  • How to apply makeup within six hours.
  • The possibilities of inventing a time machine instead of having to rely on time-consuming aviation tactics to travel.

A few sessions with a DUFD and your wife should be able to get ready for the latest wedding invitation within FOUR hours!

A vast improvement, we’re sure you agree, and the type of saving that’ll make you a proud husband again.

Other Ways to Dress Up Quickly

If you can’t afford therapy for “the wife”, then you can consider other tactics to reduce the amount of getting ready time. These include:

  • Burning all of your wife’s clothes in a giant fire and getting her more basic wear (such as onesies).
  • Buying her many onesies until she starts wearing them to try to make you stop buying her onesies.
  • Onesies in general.

So, yes, we’re promoting the purchasing of many onesies as they’re a cinch to get into and take about 30 seconds.

If your wife is concerned about her makeup, then maybe buy her a brown paper bag to put over her head so no one has to see her ghastly visage.

Or you could just go to these events without your wife and leave it to her to turn up on time. Hope that helps, Michael. Tarra!

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