Merry Christmas, idiots! And welcome to our Christmas Day feature post on the glorious nature of weird tinned foods.

Heinz makes everything from baked beans with pork sausages through to special one offs of baked beans with The Who.

As amazing as they are, today is different. Because today is Christmas. And that means you have to eat wildly to excess. Let’s do this!

Taste Testing a Christmas Dinner Big Soup

Sure, we could have spent five hours cooking up a full Sunday roast dinner. But why bother doing that when it’s there already in a tin?

Enter Heinz’s glorious Christmas Dinner Big Soup.

The special edition tin is a wonder to behold. It sold out immediately as part of only two production runs, so we were lucky to get a can of it.

And the big day has arrived! Because we did type this post out today, and eat the soup, a mere five hours before going live.

Cracking open that SOB sure was one of the highlights. Look at this!

You know who we felt like? John Hurt in Alien (1979) as he discovered the facehugger egg and had a misguided peer on inside.

We can confirm that, since consuming Heinz’s Christmas Dinner Big Soup, nothing at all has erupted out of our chests.

This is mightily encouraging for all concerned.

And we can also confirm the contents of the tin, which looked like this in the pan we used to cook up this legend.

For a closer look at how you get a full Christmas dinner into a 400g tin, here’s what Heinz managed to cram inside:

• Turkey
• Pigs in blankets
• Potatoes
• Carrots
• Parsnips
• Sprouts
• Onion
• Cranberry sauce
• Red cabbage
• Chicken gravy
• A sage and onion stuffing ball

That’s quite the undertaking. NASA may have landed men on the Moon, but Heinz got a full Christmas dinner into a tin. We know what’s more impressive.

Cooking instructions? Well, you bung the thing into a pan and let it heat up slowly. What else did you expect?

Once prepared, we added toast (it’s a soup, after all)… et voilà!

The verdict? It tastes like Christmas dinner soup. The major plus is it didn’t take five hours to prepare everything.

Downsides? There are no downsides, fool!

When you have tinned produce like this at your disposal on Christmas Day, there’s only ever going to be singing, dancing, and inane grinning.

That is unless a xenomorph erupts out of our chests this time tomorrow, but we’re crossing our fingers that won’t happen.