There comes a time in any marriage where food is more important than your significant other. Whether it’s an arctic roll or some beans on toast, your husband becomes irrelevant.

Occasionally, however, human females may be disrupted by their human male partner due to his or her habit of consuming sandwiches. As today’s post explores.

The Nature of Sandwiches and Marriage

Dear Agony Aunt. I'm appealing to you as a wife, married to a husband, who is wedded to me, and looks a bit like a bee (possibly due to jaundice and/or yellow fever).

Irrespective of his health issues, I find his wanton lust for sandwiches MOST DISGUSTING and to be ruining the sanctity of marriage! What is a man for? That's the great quote, isn't it? A man is for marriage! And yet he spends every bloody day ignoring me in favour of sandwiches!

Any type of sandwich, too, including white bread minus the crusts.

WHITE BREAD... MINUS THE CRUSTS!? What type of heathen is he!? All men are bastards! My mother said it. His mother before her's said it. Its brother before mine's said it! And I've said it again. 

All I want is a bit of love and attention... and my husband of 10 years is off stuffing his stupid face with sandwiches. And he chews with his mouth open, too, the stupid bastard.

Either society is doomed or I need to become a chef. What do I do? Yours, Rachel

Hi Rachel. To begin with, we can’t agree with your jaundice/yellow fever assessment.

If your husband is yellow and black, he is merely battling scurvy. Give him a pint of gin and he’ll be right as rain before you can believe it.

That’s nothing to worry about. Unless he dies. Then it is of considerable concern.

However, in most circumstances like this the human male is simply going on a gluttonous rampage. This can be due to:

• Personality disorders, such as psychopathy.
• A general distrust of any foodstuffs (other than sandwiches).
• A hatred of your cooking (other than sandwiches).
• General malaise (except for sandwiches).
• A sense of considerable doom due to an impending alien invasion (if that’s relevant… and sandwiches can’t alleviate the aforementioned sense of doom).
• A love for sandwiches.
• Attempts to overcome a phobia of sandwiches.
• Sandwiches.
• A lack of any other food.

If you don’t have any other foodstuffs available, then this may be fuelling your husband’s habit.

Sorry, but we can’t remember (and we can’t be arsed checking back) what you said in your message. Do you cook for him?

Like… lady! Ever heard of a Pot Noodle sandwich? There you go.

What’s essential to remember here is the human male is a stomach on legs. Sure, he has a penis as well. But for most guys that’s a puny and pathetic embarrassment. Seriously, can you picture him nude without laughing?

However, picture him with a sandwich (nude, or otherwise—as in, clothed) and what do you see? Exactly. The man you dreamt of marrying when you were a teenager! Sorted. Best of luck, Rach. Nice name, by the way!

Right, that’s enough of that crap. Jesus, we’re hungry! Where’s the nearest Subway? I mean, God, that daft bint Rachel and her halfwit husband…. oh no, did we have audio type on?! And it’s going live!? ARRRGH…