Earwax is one of the greatest threats to physical human perfection since time began. Earwax has affected some of the greatest people in history:
- Genghis Khan
- Barry Manilow
Earwax is the scourge of the seven seas!
But here at Erica’s Earwax Eradicator Enterprise, we’re on a mission to wipe out the protective yellow waxy substance that fills the passage of outer ears!
The End of Earwax
Our CEO, Erica, has this to say about that bastard SOB good-for-nothing stuff:
“Ever since I was a little girl I was angry about earwax. All the other girls would get dates with hot guys. Me? Never! Because I had earwax. My family couldn’t afford earbuds and scooping the gunk out of my ears with a finger made the guys hate me even more. Now I’m 33 and determined to OBLITERATE the stuff from the face of the Earth! Ahaha. Ahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAAAA!”
And we have teamed up with Sid’s Shed Slaying Service on our journey to total annihilation, equipping ourselves with cannons in the name of taking out that yellowy goop.
As such, we must indicate we ARE NOT a business.
We are an ORGANISATION.
There is no free will and/or choice in the matter at hand. Erica’s Earwax Eradicator Enterprise is mandatory for all citizens of Earth to attend. This is how it works.
Awaiting Your Earwax Appointment
Every citizen of Earth will receive a letter of appointment at some stage in the next six months.
Ensure you open and read the letter carefully, as it contains details on:
- The time of your appointment
- The day of your appointment
- Why earwax is pure evil
You must then fully fund your flight and accommodation to Manchester in the UK, where our office is located in the city centre.
Upon arrival on the day of your appointment, you will be taken out back and a cannon will then be fired at your skull. Thusly, removing your earwax problem.
Do note, you cannot reject your appointment.
These are our rules and, should you disobey them, it shall result in negative implications!
If you do not attend, we have hired The Terminator to hunt you down and obliterate your earwax! That’s right. You shall not be back!
Erica’s Earwax Eradicator Enterprise Disclaimer
Please note, our organisation is solely focussed on the total extermination of earwax and earwax only. Other stuff that emanates from the body is of no concern to us. Including:
- General effluence (i.e. poo)
- Body odour
- That stuff that accumulates in the corner of your eyes
However, when we set off one of our cannons this may result in the obliteration of some of the aforementioned bodily excretions.
This is not a statement of intent or in any way malicious; purely accidental.
The reality is, in the pursuit of The End of Earwax there will be collateral damage. This means the likes of snot and dandruff must also face some consequences.