Do you want to look BEAUTIFUL, you hideous freak of nature!? Are you craving the fattening delights of a big juicy BARGAIN BIN BURGER!?💇🍔
Then GET on DOWN to Sandra’s Substandard Beauty Salon & Burgers, where you can get your hair done and enjoy greasy fast food to a lower than average quality!
Sandra’s Substandard Beauty Salon: Where Beautiful Things Sometimes Happen 💇
We’ve teamed up with Basket Case Ben’s Bonkers Barbers and hired several of its talented team to ensure no one is maimed during the course of any of our treatments!
Scoff in delight as you take in a decent haircut at ridiculously overcharged prices, while licking grease and ketchup off your fingers!
Hell, we won’t even judge you if you wipe your hands on your jeans! We’re all friends here! Unless you don’t pay us. We’ll beat you up for that crap.
Sandra’s Substandard Beauty Salon hires 12 poorly trained professionals on minimum wage to deliver the best (by our low standards) service to our customers. We offer:
- Cut & finishing 💇
- Nail bar
- Spa treatments
- Fish pedicures
- Greasy burgers! 🍔
Due to legal obligations, we’re now obliged to inform you of the following:
- One of our employees (a petulant man-baby stuck in the 1990s) believed “cut & finishing” to be a finishing move requirement from the Mortal Kombat video games. He promptly ripped out customer in half and began bellowing, “Fatality!” He has since been removed from our payroll.
- Our CEO, Susan, accidentally purchased great white sharks for our fish pedicure section. This resulted in some gnarly incidents. The fish have since been released into the ocean and the relatives of the severed customers affected have been updated on this development.
- Our CEO, Susan, agreed that the nail bar was inadequate for a salon, consisting of a plank of wood where customers nailed nails into the wood. This has since been updated to provide nail enhancements for women’s fingernails.
Those mishaps aside, Sandra’s Substandard Beauty Salon & Burgers is proud of its 2/5 rating on review site Feefo and the adequate service we provide to our beloved customers.
Sandra’s Burgers: Where Gluttony & Indigestion are the Norm 🍔
The Sandra’s Substandard Beauty Salon & Burgers motto is:
“We’re proof that beauty and burgers can co-exist!”
And that’s why we have a fully operating kitchen in the salon with our chef, Dave, who has 33 years’ experience running a greasy spoon café in the dank underbellies of various crumbing towns and cities.
Dave is 23 stone, has varicose veins, and is grotesque to behold.
And he sure cook up a mean burger! You’ll delight in the fresh smells of dead cow meat as your beauty salon representative asks you questions like, “Where you going on yer ‘olidays?”
Your order will be delivered while you indulge in your salon treatment, at which point you can stuff the burger into your face with gusto.
We’re proud to announce only three guests have succumbed to food poisoning since we opened our doors in January 2022.
At the very worst, you’ll get a dicky tummy and need to spend all night on the loo.
But, boy, is it worth it to see Dave’s massive beer gut, whooping cough, and huge arse cooking away and rustling up some of the worst burgers in town.
You’ll leave Sandra’s Substandard Beauty Salon & Burgers looking better than ever, with only a few ketchup stains on your favourite blouse!