The Oxford comma is the most important comma in the Universe and it appears slobbering aliens know all about that, too.
In fact, Earth has endured a spate of abductions from an alien species obsessed with the comma used after the penultimate item in a list of three or more.
Perhaps not as terrifying as the facehuggers from Alien, but of considerable concern all the same to the survival of the human race.
The Alien Abductee: Jeff Jones, 61, Longsight of Greater Manchester
Mr. Jones was alighting from a newsagent with his copy of The Daily Express when several cloaked figures approached him mysteriously.
Despite being cloaked, the aliens’ various tentacles were protruding from their poorly managed disguises. Mr. Jones decided to take charge and address the situation:
“I asked them if I could be of assistance and they started slobbering all this yellow slime and goop everywhere in an indistinct sort of squeal. I informed them I had to time for their sales hustle and began walking sternly away, but they grabbed me and before I knew it I was in their spaceship being questioned.”
The aliens turned out to be seven foot tall, bright yellow, heavily tentacled, and shaped like wine bottles. They’re from the planet Oxford Comma in the Oxford Comma galaxy.
This information was relayed to Mr. Jones by the alien Oxford Comma #33B, who’d learned to speak English rather than the guttural, slime-based squeal belonging to his species.
“He spoke in heavily broken English, but explained to me his species was on a mission to ensure the Oxford comma is in use across the Universe. He enquired if I used this form of punctuation. I informed him, indeed, I do. He seemed happy about this. Then he asked if the newspaper I had purchased uses the Oxford comma. I informed him I could not remember if it did or not. Oxford Comma hash thirty three B became very distressed by this development and began waving a laser gun around and squealing. I found this most alarming. Once he’d calmed down, he asked if my Oxford Commalings used the Oxford comma. I asked him what Oxford Commalings are and soon discerned he was referring to ‘children’. I informed him my children had been brainwashed by leftist propaganda, voted Labour, and regularly used youth slang.”
Upon hearing this news, Oxford Comma #33B became “hysterical” and wouldn’t stop firing his laser gun into the air. Despite the damage it caused to the spaceship’s ceiling.
The alien slithered out of the room and, after several hours, 45 of the beings were packed into the room questioning Mr. Jones heavily.
A day later, they handed Mr. Jones a note covered in yellow slime and informed him to hand this over to the “ruler of Earth”. He was then returned to Longsight. Upon examining the note, Mr. Jones found it read as follows, verbatim:
“Ruler of Earth. We have heard sick and disgusting tales of humankind NOT using the OXFORD COMMA. Oh Great and Good excellence that is the THIRD and FINAL comma in a list of ITEMS. You have breached the code of the Oxford Comma galaxy and will face ANNIHILATION under the name of correct grammatical reasoning. Yours, The Oxford Comma Brethren”
Mr. Jones handed the note to local authorities, who then had him sectioned in the local psychiatric ward. That’s where we later interviewed him.
As of yet, there’s no sign of the alien invasion. We shall just have to wait with baited breath and hope… hope that the human spirit can prevail.
Type of Aliens
The Oxford Comma species displays a highly pedantic interest in linguistics and a penchant for unreasonable force.
Whilst grammar pedants may appreciate the third comma in a list of items, its absence doesn’t warrant the extermination of the human race.
They’re yellow, but this doesn’t appear to be from jaundice or sunburn.
As with the very worst grammar pedants, they have severe flights of fancy and become easily outraged about grammatical mishaps. This is to the extent they believe it warrants all-out intergalactic war.
Alien Threat Level Rating
Mr. Jones informed us from his straightjacket the aliens are technologically advanced and a serious threat.
“They said they have bombs shaped like Oxford commas that are more powerful than the human species can even conceive. They also explained to me that, upon invading Earth and taking over, they intend to sculpt the planet into the shape of a comma to ‘teach us all a lesson’. I believe this species to be the most despicable in the Universe and of grave threat to man, woman, child, and foreigners.”
As such, we award this species a 9/10 danger rating and urge you all to batten down the hatches and go into hiding.
Alien Abduction Experience
Mr. Jones said he’s “very unhappy” with the way the experience went and just wants to return home so he can complain to his wife.
As of May 2022, there’s no set release date for him and we believe nurses intend to keep him under close supervision until he stops talking about the Oxford comma.
The Expert Alien Abduction Verdict
Mr. Jones’ alien abduction is further proof of the variety and range of alien threats in the Universe.
As humans, we must be on our guard—if these heathens believe they can take over the planet just because of a missing comma then they truly are despicable.
It’s a timely reminder of the importance of a thorough education for all of Earth’s citizens.
We beseech to you, readers! Commence using the Oxford comma in all of your written communications immediately. It’s essential for the survival of the human race!
Demand everyone you come across to do the same, otherwise we’ll face a fate worse than death—pedantic grammar nerds going about being all holier than thou. It sends shivers down our spines…