Editor’s Note: Due to Gary’s terrible grammar, we’ve had to update this week’s sponsored post so it actually makes sense.
Hello I’m Gary and I’m a master grammar teacher. I also sell grates.
THAT’S RIGHT! You can learn all about grammar AND get the best deal on the market for grates. Whether you think you don’t need a grate or not, rest assured you DEFINITELY do need a grate.
Think how much better you’ll feel with one of these in your life!
How would you feel!? Let me explain to you now in tedious fashion EXACTLY the range of emotions you’d have with great grammar and a great grate:
- Joy
- Euphoria
- Surprise
- Happiness
- Remorse (for not having a great grate in your life before)
- Regret (for not using Garys’ Grate Grammur-Lesson’s until now)
- Embarrassment (that you NEVER HAD A GRATE BEFORE!)
- Shame (FOR NEVER OWNING A GRATE UNTIL NOW!!)
- WORRY (THAT YOUR FRIENDS WILL JUDGE YOU FOR YOUR PAST GRATE-BASED MISDEMEANOURS!!!)
Unquestionably, the most important thing you can do with your life RIGHT NOW is book grammar lessons with me AND then you can buy a grate.
Satisfaction is guaranteed.
In fact, I can GUARANTEE you will SOIL your pants* with delight over the sheer brilliance of everything about my business. Now that is happiness!
*Disclaimer: Please note, you will be solely responsible for funding the clean-up operation in the aftermath of your accident.
Gary’s Grating Grammar Masterclass
BUT THE GRATING DOESN’T JUST STOP THERE!
No, I also throw into the bargain lessons on grating vegetables! You name it, you can learn to grate it. Including:
- Carrots
- Onions
- Peas
- Baked beans
- Corn on the cob
- Marmite
- Potatoes
- Pomegranates
- Pot Noodles
- Tinned Full English Breakfasts
- Haddock
- Kombucha
- Those Beyond Burger vegan things
- Kellogg’s Cornflakes
Now you must picture the scene. You come home after spending a mere £250 on my lessons filled with the joys of grammatical excellence.
You are LITERALLY crying with joy!!
And then you start grating carrots. Sheer joy!! Then you look to your right and there’s a grate installed in your living room floor. SHEER JOY!!!
Naturally, you’ll then have a crashing comedown of depression as the following day simply can’t compare to the total euphoria of the previous day.
BUT YOU’RE IN LUCK! Because…
Gary’s Great Amateur Psychology Sessions
THAT’S RIGHT! I’m also a great amateur psychologist and I’ve teamed up with Dr. Bob’s Bargain Brain Surgery Bonanza to offer a 20% discount on brain surgery designed to:
- Make you even better at grammar!
- Ensure you’re in a 24/7 blitzing rage of euphoria!
That’s right, by boring a hole into your skull with a drill I can poke pages of a thesaurus into your brain, which’ll absorb the knowledge and turn you into the GREATEST LIVING GRAMMATARIAN!
IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT! NO SIDEFFECTS… GUARANTEED*!
Remember, grammar is only great when it’s accompanied by a grate and food grating (and experimental brain surgery).
Until you’ve got all of that in your life… why, you’re just a PATHETIC LOSER!
*Disclaimer: This experimental brain surgery is almost certain to result in your entering a state described in the medical profession as “no longer being alive”. Do so at your own risk.
Don’t want no grate or gramrrurly lessens. Suppose it’s not an accident?
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You just want the veg grating lessons, then? $30 an hour! 🥔
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That will be fine, Please send it C.O.D.
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Cod? The fish? I don’t think fish cod swims from England to America, madam. Pigeon mail would be more suitable. But, given it’s not 1930 anymore, maybe just rely on email. Sorry to mansplain, but that’s part of the Professional Moron experience. Or something. I should really add subscription packages for levelling down everything – $50 for maximum stupidity.
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Ive exceeded maximum many times here. How about a discount for regulars?
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I really need to start charging you for comments on this website.
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You need to start paying me! A$ a comment. No make that letters in my comments.
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Hang on, I need to weigh up the positives here:
– Fun, attractive lady from the US owes me at least $57,000
– Likes burgers
– Likes F1 (HELL YEAH!!!)
– Probably doesn’t understand what I’m on about 97% of the time
Yeah, that’s fine. $1 a month is good, subscribe to me patreon! Also, (!!!) check me Saturday post about Future Days. That is a song.
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So, if I subscribe to your Patreon ( whose that?) I will revive a monthly contribution for comments. See , I get you! Saturday : Future Days. Be there. Btw! I was freaking out at the GB FI races. That crash was horrendous. I was yelling for Hamilton to get on in there. Maybe next time.
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Yeah, it’s been an action-packed months! That crash scared the bejeezus out of me. This is why I only drive in Mario Kart 8, you see? No real-life consequences! Just glory.
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I think that was the worst crash I’ve seen. The protective gear is amazing.
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Spa 1998. YouTube the start accident. That was the first race I watched! A lot of mayhem.
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I missed those, not that I want to see crashes. The death of Everhardt reverberated through NASCAR and prompted life-changing impacts on racing safety.
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Yeah, it often takes a big incident like that to create change. Same for Senna across Europe really, the good thing is in trickles down to the road car industry and improves safety there.
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Indeed, the trickle down . Our Republican’s are big on that theory.
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Yeah, kind of been proven a tad wrong over recent years.
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This is hilarious! It’s a Grate honour to be doing sponsored posts. I hope you make some $$$$$.
Oddly enough, I will be greating carrots tonight. I will think of you as the carrots fall to shreds. Take care! xo
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Sponsored posts keep the pennies rolling in, we just make sure here to include the most insane black market businesses around.
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LOL pennies rolling in…LOL
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There is NOTHING funny about rolling pennies.
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Sorry….xo
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APOLOGY ACCEPTED!!!
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How much would Gary charge to fix the grammar of my 3,000-word reviews? He sounds like a very competent lad.
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He’s confirmed he charges R$15,765,243.00. He says that’s “an excellent deal”. Swoop on in there if it is!
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Sounds good to me!
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