August 22, 2022Mr. Wapojif

Agony Aunt: “My best friend stole my baby name!”

When best friends steal baby names

Professional Moron has an excellent history of suggesting baby names. But what would we never do!? STEAL OUR FRIEND’S BABY NAME FOR OUR OWN BABY!

Only the most despicable heathen would do such a thing! Yet today we have a human female whose pure evil “friend” nabbed a name. We’re here to help all involved get their, respective, lives back on track.

When Your Bestie Steals Your Baby Name

Dear agony aunt. My name is Claudia and this is my story.

I'm 32 and married to the man of my dreams (Derek). Four months ago, I found out I'm pregnant. YAY! We had been trying.

I told all my besties and Samantha, my main bestie (and herself eight months pregnant). They were so happy and wanted to know what I'm calling my baby. I'd already decided she, or he (I hope it's not a boy—I hate boys), will be called Shmoopie Patootie.

Samantha said she liked the name considerably. 

The next month (July), Samantha gave birth to her baby boy. I finally caught up with her in early August and to my jaw-dropping horror I found out she'd called her son... Shmoopie Patootie.

I was like, "Whoa, bitch! You stole my baby name!" And then she was all, "Nuh uh, I always wanted this name! I told you about that a decade ago!" And I was like, "I didn't know you a decade ago, Samantha!" And she was like, "Whatever! Go spread your lies elsewhere!" Bitch is gaslighting me, you know!?

I immediately phoned the police. They told me stealing baby names isn't an arrestable offence. I told them it is theft, but they told me to stop wasting police time.

So, I was really angry. And I started sending abusive messages to Samantha and posting nasty shit about her on my social media accounts. Like, I posted this picture of her from five years ago DRUNK when we were on holiday in Ibiza. She's unconscious on the floor in a pool of her own vomit. The caption I put on Instagram read, "THIS IS A MOTHER!!!!" And I tagged all our friends in it to collectively LAUGH at the baby name stealing bitch.

Next thing I know, Samantha is threatening libel action against me for defamation of character! There are no words for this injustice. She steals my baby name. She threatens to sue me!!

I asked Derek if he'd rough her up a bit in revenge. Like, a light punch to the face or something. He just said, "For Christ's sake, just apologise! And then think of a new baby name. It was a horrible name anyway!"

Like, that was grounds for divorce right there. Derek is living on borrowed time. He'd better shape up in the months ahead or I'll ditch him for a real man!

Anyway... I had nowhere else to turn. Please. Help me! Yours, Claudia

Hi, Claudia. In situations like this, we’d suggest detonating an atom bomb. That’d really help you let off some steam, it just depends on whether you have such a contraption around.

Presuming you don’t, an alternative course of action is to move fast.

By which we mean change all of your family member names to Shmoopie Patootie. Do a great purge of your family history. Contact your mother, father, siblings, nan, granddad, cousins etc.

Just have a total and all-encompassing name change to that cringe-inducing nonsense you’ve come up with.

You can do it via deed poll. Aggressive name changing like this really backs the baby name changer into a corner, as they’re suddenly confronted with (potentially) dozens of similarly named people all milling about the place.

That can prove disconcerting for the “baby name stealing bitch”, as you so eloquently put it.

Failing that… why not just call your baby Patootie Shmoopie?

It’s pretty similar, although just as nauseating. Or, should you do end up with a boy (irrespective of your dislike for them), you could just call it Roger. Or something. Worth mulling over, huh?

35 comments

  1. Nauseating? No, nauseating would be something more along the lines of… (wait for it)… mushy peas!

    Myself, I find myself so very extremely overwhelmingly charmed by the name that I wonder if Claudia might be liable for a charge of entrapment just for telling all her besties about it beFORE getting it nailed down to her own squalling bundle of effluvia. I mean, how long has she been, um, friends with that name-stealing bitch anyway? Doesn’t she know who she’s dealing with? Someone just as unprincipled as herself!

    Shame on her, that’s all. 👎

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  2. Baby name stealing has been going on since naming babies began. The secret is to lie . For example everyone is going to jump right on “Kermit” so tell them that’s gonna be your babies name . Imagine the hilarity you can enjoy when you actually name your baby Froggie.

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Dispense with some gibberish!

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