So, you’re sick to death of the QUACKS masquerading as “doctors” at your nearest hospital? Of course you are!
We all know it. Modern medicine is a scam! Doctors are insane and stupid. A migraine is a brain haemorrhage. Hangovers are diagnosed as third-degree burns! AN INGROWNING TOENAIL IS A HEART ATTACK!!
Trevor’s Trepanning is the FIGHTBACK against this nonsense! Join my medical community to be free from lurgy for the rest of your days!
How Trepanning Alleviates All of Your Ailments
Trepanning is the tried-and-tested Medieval surgery of perforating the human skull with an enormous great big axe. It’s ideal for:
- Mood swings
- The common cold
- Chronic withdrawal and hallucinations from heroin abuse
- Kidney stones
- Shy bladder syndrome
- Repetitive strain injuries
At Trevor’s Trepanning, we run a tight ship. All you need to do is turn up at my clinic, explain your ailments (e.g. “I think I have gangrene!”), and Dr. Trevor works his magic!
Explaining the Trepanning Process to Soothe Your Concerns
Dr. Trevor is highly skilled in the art of slamming a giant axe into bone.
He has 40 years’ experience as a trepanner. He also has a PhD from the University of Trepanning and is a fully licensed trepanist. Here are Dr. Trev’s kind words to help you understand how he works.
“I usually come to in the morning with a massive hangover and perform emergency trepanation on myself to alleviate the pounding headache. Then I have a few shots of whiskey and a beer before heading into the office.
Once in, I await my patients for the day. I see all sorts of people from all walks of life. Successful businessmen with briefcases. Unsuccessful businessmen with bum bags. Housewives with migraines due to relentlessly screaming kids. Racing drivers with tinnitus due to loud engines. Victims with third-degree burns who’ve been duped by my marketing campaign into believing trepanning is a sensible alleviation tactic. You name it, I’ve seen it all. No matter your health concern, trepanning is the solution.
It’s my business mantra: Stopped in your tracks?! Go and see the guy with an axe!”
When not poking around in human brains for a living, Dr. Trevor enjoys:
- Opera and classical music
- Gangster rap
- Hanging with his bros
- Smokin’ dope
- Watching The Human Centipede continuously
- Arguing with his wife
Come in today to make your worries go away! An axe to the skull keeps the doctor at bay!
Trepanning: Frequently Asked Questions
Here are some patient FAQs to answer any lingering concerns you have about our medical service.
Is trepanning legal?
Not really, no. But when did illegality ever stop anyone from doing something that’s right?
Does trepanning hurt?
Yes, mightily. That’s why all of Dr. Trevor’s patients receive a complimentary shot of brandy 10 minutes prior to their surgery.
Does Dr. Trevor sterilise his medical procedure implements?
Due to budgeting concerns, Dr. Trevor currently does not run a sterilising or handwashing routine during his working day. However, he does often have a shower once or twice a week.
Dr. Trevor is a long-term denier of sterilisation, believing it to be “leftist nonsense” and a product of “woke society” ruining “all that is pure and good”.
I have a complaint, where should I direct this?
To your nearest wall.
I want a refund, where can I get this?
Unfortunately, at this stage Trevor’s Trepanning runs a no refund policy.
However, it’s something Dr. Trevor is considering for the future once various court cases for grievous bodily harm and gross negligence are closed in his favour.