Call us xenophobic if you must, but (like woof dogs) we don’t particularly like vacuum cleaners. “Such a typical man, Mr. Wapojif! They never can commit to work! Men… they’re all barstards!” Well it’s not about that, stupid readers. Personal hygiene and general homely cleanliness is a must – OF COURSE. What we have an issue with is the damn noise these things kick up. Seriously, we can land donkeys on Mars if we want to, but our finest Vacuum Cleaner manufacturers (in 20 solid years of counting) haven’t been able to improve the technology to make these things even remotely bearable. Indeed, if someone you know feels the need to whirr the vacuum cleaner up then all conversation/fun/activities etc. must end as the vacuum cleaner roars its way through DUST and BITS OF FOOD. Yes, it really is vital to get that lot shifted in case an infestation of RATS decimates the vicinity.

So why hasn’t the technology improved? Why aren’t the finest Vacuum Cleaner minds working to make a silent version of the infamous whirr-a-thon? Mr. Wapojif would like to spread a conspiracy theory here; the government s across the globe have agreed to keep vacuum cleaners mega loud so that OAPs (Old Age Pensioners) can sit about peacefully in the knowledge the local vicinity will be clear of bits of dust. We know how such things bother elderly people. Is this Ageist? Or are we just being obtuse? Or are we spot on? What we do know is this; vacuum cleaners don’t really need to exist at all. They don’t make cleaning much easier (ever heard of a mop and a bucket, and a brush and a container, guy?) and it would save energy, keep dogs and cats happy, and stop Mr. Wapojif’s damn ears from going bananas each time a VC is fired up. It’s thyme for a revolution – orf with their heads!