Although we love Blade Runner (RIP the excellent Rutger Hauer), the 2017 sequel bored us rigid with its turgid rumblings. And as our opinion is sacrosanct here at Professional Moron, you may not offer any sort of different opinion on the matter!
Instead, you can read about our remake: Bladder Runner 2049. It’s designed to put your bladder to the test due to its (the film’s, not your bladder) capacious running time of 2049 hours – that’s 85 days. During which time you’re not allowed to go to the toilet. Can you hack it?!
Bladder Runner 2049
The film is set in space. It’s about a spaceship travelling along with its crew to a distant planet 70 billion light years from Earth. The mission is headed up by generic space Captain Dutch Butchness (Arnold Schwarzenegger).
His crew consists of generic dorky space scientists, engineers, and a chef. Unfortunately, the latter is only any good at steaming food. As such everything, even the cornflakes, receive a thorough steaming. The crew is fed up of steamed food.
As such, Captain Butchness must alleviate this situation by stopping at random planets they happen across during their bleak, inexorable passage from A to B.
The hope is to either find:
- A better chef.
- Some new food resources (i.e. a deep fat fryer).
- Space aliens to do battle with to alleviate the chronic boredom of space travel.
Rather than finding any of the above, most planets they come across are uninhabitable nightmares of storm vortexes and radiation. As Captain Butchness puts it, “It’s almost as if this universe wasn’t created for humans…”
As Bladder Runner 2049 plays out, it’s designed to slowly sap at the overconfidence of humanity – undermining it through the total boredom of sitting there getting cramps in your backside.
The film is eventually nominated for no Oscars. On a budget of $500 million, it makes back $300,000 to solidify its reputation as the most disastrous production in history.
The Viewing Experience
Over the course of the film’s 85 day running time, the crew visit 200 planets and find absolutely nothing of interest.
The majority of the film plays out like that bit in Super Mario Bros. on the NES, where Toad tells you the Princess is in another castle.
As the film drags on, cinema-goers are encouraged to place 3D glasses on their stupid faces for a momentary reprieve from the relentless borefom of Bladder Runner 2049.
This will also distract them from the chronic straining of holding in their desire to use the lavatory. Viewers are encouraged to not use the toilet during the film’s 85 day running time, but director Steven Spielberg does acknowledge that may be an unrealistic goal.
As such, the availability of steel buckets in the cinema theatre will allow ticket holders to slop out as and when required in full view of everyone else in the cinema.
Naturally, if you wish to attend this landmark cinematic event you’ll also need to book several months off work.
Whilst this may be easy for unemployable wretches or overly privileged business owners, for most people the request for episodic screenings will be commonplace.
There’s a big fat “no” in response to that. It’s one long 85 day screening or you’re not seeing it at all! Cucumber sandwiches will be supplied thrice daily too ensure no one dies during the viewing experience.
Professional Moron 
Its cool that Blader Runner 2049 was even released after so many years between the sequel and the one we received. Overall at least the film made 300k back too.
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I just think it was a standalone film, especially without Philip K. Dick’s input they shouldn’t have touched it. But they did… and well, some people really like it. So I’m glad some fans have enjoyed it.
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Indeed RIP Rutger Hauer. I loved Blade Runner, one of the few Sci Fi films I really liked along with Alien…et al (is that a word) Aliens. Thank you for the fine review.
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Et al is a word, and a term, it means “et aliens”. As Aliens is the superior film to Alien (in my opinionionionion), although I seem to remember you saying you don’t like it. I judge you, human female.
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Nono….I do like aliens and most of the follow ups but Alien was the all time shocker Sci Fi horror of all time in my humble (bah) opinion. Judging, pointing finger!
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There’s only one way to sort this out. We need some aliens to judge the realism. Thankfully, I’m in contact with many after my various abductions over the years. As such, THHHHHHHHHHH of the planet TH has informed me that I am correct. Aliens is the better film. Regards.
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I too have been abducted by aliens as you’ve probably guessed, we all agreed during afternoon tea that Alien is and will remain numero uno. Regardless hope to see you on the next abduction to TH. We probably just missed one another last time.
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No you haven’t, you American, you, with your enormous country and its various states. Seriously, I’ve seen Independence Day (way back in 1996) and saw then that it was Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith. Not you! Not that I’m saying aliens wouldn’t want to abduct you. I’m sure they would. But at the same time… I can’t remember what my point is.
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I have so been abducted. They have already invaded here and taken over the White House.
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Do you think there’s a gardening magazine out there called the White Hose? I’d read that.
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In the true spirit of entrepreneurial genius I am stealing that idea. White Hose Magazine, brilliant!
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White Mouse Magazine is another possibility, for enthusiasts of mice.
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I’m getting woozy, we are going to be rich! I’ll let you have White Mouse Mag….ok?
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No.
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Very well, I will seek out another entrepreneur.
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As George Bush put it, “The trouble with the French is that they don’t have a word for entrepreneur.” Je pense que, oui, c’est bon. Oui.
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Well, that’s not the only trouble with them.
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Yes, I guess bushfires have their consequences across Australia.
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Ohhh, I think that’s where we met….. that high end abduction about 4 years ago, the aliens all wore gowns. That was just before they changed into suits and invaded the White House!
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I knew I recognized you from somewhere. The space ship, the….instruments…
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Resa is from the planet Resa, where there are excellent gowns.
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That’s where I do most of my shopping 🛍
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Really? I steal most things.
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Got any Gucci bags?
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Erm…. *rummaging in man cave* I have a bazooka. Hope that helps!
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i think it will.
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I’m too tired to respond, sorry.
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Big night huh? Catch ya later
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Fisticuffs will have to wait until tomorrow.
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Lol!
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Diapers… what about diapers!! Hey? The soiled diapers could be collected when they hand out the cucumber sammies!
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There are no diapers when it comes to high art, madam.
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Sorry, I didn’t realize the showing was in the London Space Needle!
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