Why Mario Kart 8 Is One Of The Best Next Gen Games, Mon!

Mario Kart 8
The volatile Mario Kart 8!

For some reason we’ve only touched on Mario Kart 8 once on this blog, back when we highlighted the psychological trickery it can bring out from its players. This time around we’re doing a belated appraisal as, frankly, everyone loves Mario Kart and this is, undoubtedly, the masterpiece of the series.

We covered Super Mario Kart recently, the 1992 SNES classic which had remained our favourite in the series. This was until 8 hit the shelves in spring 2014, with a heady mixture of physics defying wall climbing, relentless action, and really bloody intense online multiplayer features. Journey with us, then, as we give you a glimpse of Nintendo’s Wii U classic, replete with honky horns, red shells, and utter carnage.

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Exclusive Recipe: Gwean Tea (to curb your green tea addiction)!

Green tea recipe
You ready to take on your green tea obsession?!

At Professional Moron we love green tea, although we prefer Assam tea with Vanilla (which is black tea) along with Pukka and Clipper’s range of herbal teas. Irrespective of our preferences, green tea still gets two thumbs up from us. Heck, we’ll stretch to two thumbs up and a cheeky wink!

The problem? Caffeine is addictive, apparently, and it’s advised consumers only indulge in five or so glasses of green tea a week. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, put this addictive premise to the test by drinking 335 glasses of green tea in 7 days. He subsequently turned green, joined the Green Party, aligned himself with Greenpeace, watched Soylent Green on a loop, wrapped himself in St. Patrick’s Day merchandise, and considered moving to Mars. He did this as he forgot the place is dubbed the red planet, not the green one.

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Exclusive Recipe: Pizzza (it’s like pizza, but with a sleepy kick)!

Cripes. It’s making us sleepy just looking at it!

There are two things which are really great in this world and they are snoozing and overeating. Unfortunately, the latter has a tendency to make one turn into King Henry VIII (in his later years), whilst the former is only allowed during this thing called “night time”. Try it during a shift at work, for instance, and your boss will treat you like a vagabond.

Sleep’s great, and if you’ve ever wanted to eat a pizza and then drift off to a peaceful, dreamy state of wonder then our latest recipe is for you! Pizzza takes the very best of pizza and proffers up a healthy dose of sleep based regeneration. The dough is made out of lethargy inducing organic herbs such as valerian root, chamomile, and cinnamon. To further induce sleepiness, the dough is also loaded with the harshest sleeping pills known to humanity! That’ll put hair on your eyebrows.

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Exclusive Invention: The Sawner (like a sauna, but not)

Like your saunas to be that little bit extra volatile? You’re in luck!

We decided not to research saunas for this piece in order to come across as complete ignoramuses, spouting forth unfounded nonsense and clueless gibberish. Admittedly this is nothing new for us… I mean, look at the title of this blog. Regardless, even a fundamental understanding of saunas would have been useful for today’s post. There is no expertise, so hold on to your hats as this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Saunas are unusual things to say the least. What you do, right, is sit in a roasting hot room and stifle in the exhaustion inducing heat. If you want to step it up a notch you pour water on those coal things, and it all goes crazy and takes the heat to a new extreme. Being in a sauna is what it must be like living in your shower 24/7, except the water’s scolding hot and makes you shriek like an idiot.

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What Causes The Common Cold? Cold Calling!

Common cold
Ancient parchments display how Englishmen have been afflicted by colds for millennia.

Professional Moron’s esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was tragically struck down by the common cold late this week. It’s a tear jerking story which has led to sniffles, sneezing, coughing, lethargy, irritability, and a general desire to eat nothing but soup (or shoep, in our case). What caused this illness? We hate to make wild accusations, but it was without doubt cold calling. We don’t need proof.

The common cold is not to be mistaken as the uncommon cold. Indeed, the latter is for posh people only. The former afflicts proletariat scumbags such as Mr. Wapojif, he being the type to receive cold calls from companies who think this anachronistic outbound marketing practice is perfectly welcome. It isn’t, so stop being stupid.

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Book Of Da Week: Seven Brief Lessons on Physics

Seven Brief Lessons on Physics
Seven Brief Lessons on Physics!

Carlo Rovelli’s Seven Brief Lessons on Physics was released in the UK last week, having become a bestseller over in the author’s native Italy. In a gloriously concise 78 pages he takes us through physics in the 20th century, and a bit further, so dimwits such as Professional Moron can get a fundamental grasp on stuff like the General’s Theory of Relatively (we’re guessing Albert Einstein was a war general).

Albert Einstein. Relativity. Space. You’ll have heard these phrases bandied about the place with wild abandon over the years. Rovelli’s little book introduces the reader to key areas in how the world works, such as why stuff goes from hot to cold (because it bloody does, okay?). Confusing? This is merely the start!

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PROPERCORN’s awesome Lightly Sea Salted. Proper bo.

We don’t often mindlessly throw ourselves behind brands, but PROPERCORN is a colossal exception. Why? It’s, like, you know, totally the best popcorn in the history of ever! We don’t know how they do it (and, yes, we can make homemade popcorn – anyone with a pan can, fool!), but PROPERCORN somehow extract the maximum out of their kernels. Perhaps with a motivational talk before they’re heated… who knows!?

We have a particular penchant for the Lightly Sea Salted variety (as pictured at Mr. Wapojif’s desk) as it’s popcorn perfection in a bag. However, there are a multitude of flavours available, such as the recently released Smooth Peanut & Almond flavour. Fiery Worcester Sauce and Sundried Tomato is next up as it is, literally, on fire!

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