Ruddy Hell! Ori and the Blind Forest Is Glorious!

Ori and the Blind Forest
Yes.

Every now and then there’s a video game release which is so ruddy, truly, very, definitely awesome you have to sit up and notice. These days Nintendo usually deliver these gems, but beards off to Moon Studios (nothing to do with Keith Moon, Daphne Moon, or Moons in space) for Ori and The Blind Forest. It bumble bee fantastic!

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Are Pies Unhealthy?

Pie
What would happen if you made a pie out of magpies based around the thesis of Pi?

There’s a school of thought which suggests pies are not healthy. We’re going to consider this notion today by tracing the roots of The Pie.

Pies were invented by Frenchman Pierre Pierreson – pies were ingrained in his blood from birth (due to his name). His arduous journey towards culinary genius began with his invention the Magpie. As it was merely an annoying bird, he considered it a failure and soon switched his attention to mathematics.

He invented the Pi symbol, but bored with this lot he produced his crowning achievement: obesity promoting wodges of pastry.

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A Bewildering History: The Great Prawn and Pawn Confusion

Chess
Watch out for the prawns!

Prawns are great as they’re these dudes who protect your more important pieces on the chess board. Sure, prawns can only move one space at a thyme but, what ho!, if one of them “goes all the way” (Bottom episode Culture reference) they turn into a Queen.

Not that chess is a perverted game for depraved lunatics, mind. Quite the opposite! Many great intellects have played chess, such as Frasier Crane in the episode from Frasier everyone’s forgotten as it wasn’t one of the best ones.

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In Praise Of Alto’s Adventure

Alto's Adventure
It’s as charming as it lukes.

There’s a vast amount of misguided elitism in the gaming community, usually from caustic ignoramuses who can’t comprehend other people’s opinions, and it can get pretty disheartening. Many peabrains busy themselves with the notion iPhone titles aren’t for “proper” video game fans. This is balderdash and, with 25+ years of gaming experience behind Mr. Wapojif, we know what we (and he) is on about. So there! Duh huh huh huh huh huuuuuuuuh.

Alto’s Adventure is a fine example of how effective iPhone games can be. It’s simplistic, stylish, addictive, utterly charming, and highly immersive. “But is it VIOLENT!?!?”, the children scream. No. Now shut up and go and do your homework!

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How Fish and Chips Soup Will Save British Society

Fish and Chips
Chips with fish. Also known as Fish and Chips.

Being from the UK, Professional Moron knows far too little about nutrition, health, diet, and other stuff related to human biology, physiology, and trichoptilosis (split ends). What we do know is how to overindulge on beer, scones, and tea laced with 17 spoonfuls of sugar.

Naturally, being British, we enjoy Fish and Chips. This is a British diet staple. Much in the way a staple is integral to a stapler, Fish and Chips is (and are) integral to the British way of life. You take a Fish and Chips supper away from a British person, and you remove their very soul. Within seconds he or she would crumple in a heap on the floor whilst emanating an unusual hissing noise, as if deflating like a balloon. Alas, the poor British person is no more.

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Book Of Da Week: Blood & Guts – A Short History Of Medicine

Bloog & Guts
Absolutely!

We recently visited London recently to visit it. On the second day of our recent visit, we visited the recently opened (and free) Wellcome Collection recently opened in London recently. It’s a glorification of true, grim, horrible, violent, nasty, unpleasant, horrible, brutal, daffodils, gut wrenching crime. Visit it to be a recent visitor.

Let’s face it: we all love crime. Without crime we’d all be bored, and policemen/women would have to retire to become toilet attendants. How demeaning! Thankfully criminals are funded by the government to keep being stupid and loathable. Thusly we have the need for non-criminals to stop pro-crime criminals.

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Solar Eclipse 2015: The Aftermath

Solar Eclipse 2015
This was Professional Moron’s view of the 2015 Solar Eclipse. We hope the next one’s better.

Further to yesterday’s terrifying build up to Europe’s Solar Eclipse, we’re here to report on this morning’s events: the Solar Eclipse went off without any hitches. By this we mean the Sun turned up, as did the Moon, and it all happened as you’d expect it to do. Everything went dark, people took pictures, and the media went ballistic. A textbook eclipse.

Naturally this didn’t stop the Professional Moron staff from panicking insanely. Our hysterical shrieks of dismay echoed around the streets of Manchester, with our very own esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif performing several acts of vandalism (including punching a taxi) during a bout of delusional hysteria. He was soon arrested.

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