Exclusive Recipe: Marmite & Tobacco Soup

Delicious, and they taste even better in soup!

We’ve made some hellishly outlandish recipes over the years at Professional Moron. Indeed, Sugar Soup, rIce Cream, and Zompie were some of our favourites! Now we’re going full on, though. Oh yes, we’re combining two of the most pungent things on Earth, and we’re not on about cow manure and BO.

As Mr. Wapojif (our esteemed editor) sat picking his nose during lunch break, he happened on an idea for the ages. Indeed, it was such a discovery he leapt from his seat and began shrieking hysterically, as if he had been bitten by a mildly enraged sabre tooth tiger. For, you see, he realised the genius of three things: soup, tobacco, and marmite! What a moment ’twas.

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Book Of Da Week: Crime And Punishment

Crime and Punishment
Prime and Cunishment. One hell of a buke!

Holy moly, we’ve gone for the Big ‘Un. Yes, it’s Fyodor Dostoyevsky’s (what some would say) masterpiece! We read this a decade ago and remember it clearly, although it’s a gargantuan read which isn’t for the faint hearted.

Dostoyevsky wroted it in 1865 with, we’re presuming given their popularity and his standing, an Apple Mac. Maybe he used a Sony VAIO and Windows 8, as Windows 8.1 probably wasn’t available at that point. Anyway, the 300,000 million word book is about redemption, crime, and punishment. Actually, come to think of it, the title sort of gives the plot away. Duuh! So, let us delve into the world which Dostoyevsky spun in stunningly verbose detail.

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What In The Name Of Cripes Is Porridge, Anyway?

That looks DISGUSTING!!

Considering we eat porridge every morning (with wheatgerm, pumpkin seeds, raisins, and a chunk of butter) you’d think Professional Moron would go on about it all the time. It’s got a hilarious name, it’s weird to look at, and it’s more versatile than Meryl Streep.

As far as we’re aware we’ve never dedicated a blog post to porridge on this site, but now it is thyme! It’s a great way to start the day, you know, with them weird flake like things. They’re not like cornflakes as they aren’t cornflakes, which has led us to postulate over the years it’s a type of haggis.

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A Brief History Of The Rolling Pin

Rolling pin
Look at it go!

Rolling pins are strange things which one keeps in one’s kitchen drawer. Let’s face it, we only ever really ever, like, ever use them when, like, one has made a pizza. Hands up – who here has ever bothered making a pizza base? Exactly, none of you. Cretins!

Being skilled morons here we are experts in homemade pizza making. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as rolling out fresh dough with a rolling pin. Weirdly, though, rolling pins aren’t made of pins. They’d be agony to hold otherwise. Indeed, they are instead made of this brown stuff called “wood”. Interesting.

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ZOMG Yoshi’s Woolly World Is Fantabulous!

Yoshi's Woolly World
The woolly Yoshi dudes do their thang!

Right, now later this year we’ll Go Geek and cover the 20th anniversary of one of the SNES’ (the best video game console in history – factorama!) final masterpieces: Yoshi’s Island. We’ve been sidetracked by Nintendo’s latest release, though: Yoshi’s Woolly World.

No one does disgustingly cute as well as Nintendo, but they also have a relentless habit of crafting charming and addictive titles of the highest quality. This is why they command such respect in the industry – they may not sell as well as the relentless violent shooters we now see, but they continue to provide brilliance and imagination.

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Exclusive Recipe: Mushroom Ice Cream!

But where’s the ice!?

It’s summer! OMG! Holy cow! Ruddy ‘eck! The best thing about summer is getting to stuff one’s face with ice cream or ice lollies. “It’s keeping one cool!” one argues. Balderdash. Nonsense. Garbage! In fact, studies by Communists show eating ice cream actually increases the body temperature by 40 degrees Celsius! Ship.

Regardless, it’s a tradition to consume the stuff when the temperature reaches such a height one’s hair melts. Plus, you get to do the whole panicky shrieking once a wasp homes into view! Haha, man, summer really is the best! *Burp* Oops, excuse us.

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DEBATE: Why Does Jeff Goldblum Say “Must go faster!” In Jurassic Park & Independence Day?

Jurassic Park
Dinosaurs go “Roar!!!”!

Jeff Goldblum: actor, star, name, person, Goldblum. You know, if you dropped the “l” out of his surname it’d be Jeff Goldbum. Hahahaha… oh man, that would have ruined his career. Luckily for him, his surname is pure gold.

Now Jeff really came to the fore in the ‘80s with a series of intense films, perhaps most notably the very full-on The Fly in 1986. By 1993, aged 40 we believe, he starred in mega-massive Spielberg blockbuster Jurassic Park as Dr. Ian Malcolm.

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