Professional Moron

We provide lessons in life, culture, philosophy, mind, matter, cake, jam, haggis, and other insane nonsense.

Exclusive Script! Gravity 2: Are We Nearly There Yet?

Jupiter

Jupiter

Following the success of 2013’s space romp Gravity, it’s no surprise a sequel is on the sheds. As always, we’re one for Exclusives here at Professional Moron, and we’ve stolen a march on our peers by stealing an early draft of the Gravity 2 script. Starring a stellar cast including Oscar winner Kate Winslet, Christian Bale, and Ginger Baker (drummer Baker did some acting in the ‘80s, we figured it was about time he got his career going), and others, this script extract sees the cast struggling with the concept of life, space, massive things, space, Earth, space, zero gravity, gravity, and space. In the messy script we picked up, the synopsis reads as follows:

Synopsis: A decade after the devastating Sandra Bullock/George Clooney space-fest, NASA are at it again! The intrepid astronauts are heading to Mars in order to colonise the planet for human stupidity purposes. Why? Overpopulation, climate change, boredom with Earth, and as that’s what humans do, innit. However, precarious equilibrium is shattered when bad space stuff kicks off. Will our heroes make it, or burn up and die in a horrifying, space induced death?

So the film is overtly about a pseudo-intellectual realisation of intertextuality. Sounds pretty damn thrilling, and we think you’ll agree once you’ve delved into the plot further. Enjoy!

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Hamster News 2014: Adieu Boris, O’Reet Keith!

Keith in action.

Keith in action.

It’s been all change in the Professional Moron office, some of it for the unbetter good. Our office pet, Boris the Syrian Hamster, suddenly met a peaceful end in February 2014. Whilst there was a period of mourning for his fluffiness, our esteemed editor Mr. Wapojif didn’t miss a beat. In March of 2014, he picked up 9 week old Keith the Syrian Hamster, thusly saving the poor dude from a fate of lying around in a pet store.

Now hamsters are incredibly timid and nervous at first, and trying to earn their trust is like trying to punch The Queen in the face. It takes perseverance, skill, knowledge, understanding, pointless stupidity, and a learned appreciation for something unknown. Mr. Wapojif is skilled in all such things, and befriended Keith within a week. As wee hamsters, their confidence flourishes rapidly and they’re soon bossing you about the place and demanding food. Such is the way of things. Anyway, read on for hamster based insights. They’re bizarre little creatures and one can only be thankful they’re not psychopaths (like great white sharks) so one can observe their behaviour.

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Our Pet Walrus And Us – Experiences With A Large Flippered Marine Mammal!

John back in the North Pole chillaxing.

John back in the North Pole chillaxing.

As we’re going to post tomorrow, there’s been a change in the established hamster order in the Professional Moron office. We’ll reveal all tomorrow, until then we’d like our return blog post (we’ve not written anything for a while) to follow the unusually weird side of our lives we like to promote. You see, Mr. Wapojif recently acquired a fully grown male Walrus with which he has spent the last month bonding. Our Walrus, John, was being sold by a local farmer, whom mistakenly purchased the beast having believed it to be a deformed cow (the farmer was  somewhat dim-witted). Mr. Wapojif’s flat was not of sound size for the marine mammal, so he decided to keep John in the Professional Moron office for the time being.

John quickly settled into the office by demolishing much of our property in fits of macho rage. The creatures, famed for their violent, dogmatic assertion of their masculinity, are clearly not supposed to be maintained as pets. However, we’re obstinate sorts here. We were eager to make the endeavour work whilst we sorted out a flight for John back to his native North Pole. Thankfully, last week John was successfully shipped back and, we’ve heard, is leading a happy life terrorising the beaches and ice flows of Antarctica with his foul temper. Bless. We have fond memories of his stay, however, and wax nostalgic in today’s post about these most dramatic of mammals.

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These New Cornflakes Ranges Will Terrify You!

Cornflakes

Not normally scary, but when Beelzebub loves them you know there’s going to be trouble!

A few years ago Kellogs made a Cornflakes with Banana Chunks range of Cornflakes. If you’re unaware of how special this is, get some cornflakes and cut banana on top. Add milk/almond milk/soya/coffee/champagne and enjoy. It’s a thrill a minute breakfast cereal experience. Sadly, Kellogs discontinued the range as the preservative stricken chunks of banana they included in boxes brough about the Second Coming of Beelzebub. He wanted in on the Cornflakes/Banana thing, you see, and resurrected himself. The sight of the gargantuan monster in Morrisons (Walmart to Americans) asking shelf stackers where the cereal aisle was, brought about mass panic amongst the public. Sadly, this led to Cornflakes discontinuing the range. For shame!

We’re consequently going to do a list of potential new Kellogs Cornflakes ranges we want Kellogs to go ahead with. Obviously they can’t bring the Banana range back, as Beelzebub (who, on the discontinuation of the range, went back into limbo) will return for more cereal based awesomeness. Plus, World Domination etc. So, we feel we can lesser to pain of no ready-made Cornflakes with Bananas with this selection of Cornflakes With “?” Enjoy, heathens!

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Professional Moron’s Birthday – We Is 2!

Just pretend it says 2, alright?

We’ve been lazy this month and not bothered uploading anything. We’re going to continue this laziness theme with an easy post rambling about our special day. For, you see, it’s Professional Moron’s SECOND birthday TODAY! Mr. Wapojif, our intrepid editor, began this “journey” back in the summer of ’71 (when he wasn’t even alive), but this blog were already in his conscience. By age 4, Mr. Wapojif knew he’d be a blogger. By age 7, he had finished reading the Spot the Dog back catalogue and was ready to tackle serious literature – he consequently hit Where’s Wally with a vengeance (Waldo to any Americans). Two decades later he’d found Wally and was ready for the blog experience.  Two years on and this is where you find us… sporadically posting about complete and utter surrealist nonsense, with all the content spewing from the deranged brain of Mr. Wapojif.

What have we bestowed upon the world? Horror! You can bet your silly brains there will be more of this on the weigh, so in the meantime do the following: brush your teeth, comb your hair, and eat 17 raw onions. Folic acid, you see, from the latter. It’s good for you. 

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How To Write Proper!

“It woz da best of thymes, it were duh wurst of thymes…”

If we’re being honest, weave done a “How To Write” post before, but it’s been well over a year so it’s time for another! Now, Mr. Wapojif has not only graduated from the school of life at age 29, but he also possesses many educational achievements the likes of which many hundreds of millions of other people have. However! There’s one big difference: nothing. This aside, our glorious editor did at least gain some degrees and, through which, he were able to form a highly accomplished writing style. So accomplished he figured, in his arrogance, he could lecture everyone else on how to be a super good writer. It donut take skill or intelligence to write a best selling novel. The trashier the better, frankly. Look at 50 Shades of Grey! However, to be REVERED like some genius writing person then you need full immersion into the art of writing. Daily 10 hour runs are needed to clear one’s mind. You must do 70 push ups a day, and you must take seventeen cold showers in succession to prep yourself. All of this has to be done before 9am in the morning, and only then can you commence!

Even with commencement you may find you can’t write good. This is where Professional Moron enters the fray like some braying, diseased lunatic. Not a pretty picture, but then there’s nothing pretty about being able to write good. So, hoik up your socks, pour yourself a glass of haggis milk, and prepare for lessons in prose. Onwards, comrade!

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Why Sandwiches Should Play a Larger Role in Films

Seen Drive? Great film. It would have been a classic if more sandwiches had been included.

We noted there aren’t many films about, or involing, sandwiches. Think about it – when did you last see a film where the word “sandwich” was even muttered? Look at the current batch of films; 12 Years a Slave, Dallas Buyers Club, The Hobbit: Demolition of Smeg, Gravity. Now we’ve seen Gravity, and not once in the 90 minute running time did we see or hear of sandwiches. What gives, Hollywood? Think of the key plot points which would have made a difference in major films over the years! It doesn’t bare thinking about, except we’re going to in today’s post anyway. So it’s a Sandwich Appreciation post, as we like sandwiches, as well as a consideration on contemporary and classic films and the plot devices they failed to pick up on. When you reall fink about it, it’s well stupid, you know, proper stupid that Hollywood have ignored this over the last half century. We’re so annoyed by this we’ve  made a few new films up in case we’re talent spotted by Hollywood and drafted in to do some exciting news scripts. Heck, we’re bound to be a better bet than David Lindelhof (or Prometheus disaster fame), eh? Innit. We mean, the script there was so horrendous is ruined the entire film, which was only average anyway. Yeah, we’re h8ing on Prometheus again. Dang, bad habits Die Hard, right Bruce Willis?

So, read on if you value your sanity, heathens! To infinity, and tuna and sweetcorn (on malted bread and beyond)!

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