Professional Moron

Dedicated to nonsensical absurdity since 1984.

Why Britain Needs a Statue Of Liability!

The Statue of Liability will have you wondering what the blithering heck is going on!

The Statue of Liability will have you wondering what the blithering heck is going on!

In America there is The Statue of Liberty, which is a great big statue about liberty. It’s an iconic American landmark NOT along the lines of stuff we have here in the UK: that knackered bridge on the M1 out of Manchester, Stone Hedge which has a motorway right next to it, Ben Nevis, Big Ben, Ben Elton (basically anyone/thing called Ben), the bungalow The Queen lives in, the pink cliffs of Dover, and Fish & Chips. As you might be able to tell from this list of derisory daftness, here at Professional Moron we feel we’re lacking in a landmark which truly defines Britishness. This is why we feel it’s right a Statue of Liability should be built somewhere just outside of London.

Like Manchester! It’s the pulsating heart of Britain and is renowned for its music, football, and occasional riot. In keeping with the accomplishedly ham-fisted way British folk go about things, The Statue of Liability will be a staggering achievement of architectural and design genius. T’will stand 300ft in the air, way (or weigh) 700 million tonnes, and will have a giant rotating head which will announce phrases as read by Her Majesty The Queen. These will happen every hour, and will include gems such as: “I say! What the bloody hell!?”, “Where’s my tea, slave!?”, “Bloody hell! It’s raining again!?!”, “My subjects deserve nothing but a flogging!”, “Beans on toast was invented by a true Brit!”, and “Let’s invade the Moon and rebuild the British Empire!”.

The statue, in true British style, will also be a major health and safety hazard. We’ve come up with an impressive list of its foibles to round off today’s cultural consideration:

  • Gravitational difficulties – the statue will regularly fall over.
  • A Fail Safe whereby, should The Queen not be within 300 miles of it at all times, it will detonate with the power of 30 nuclear warheads.
  • It will have mood swings and will insult visitors, tourists, site workers, and security guards with all manner of profane inanities.
  • Within years of its construction the statue will begin to decompose, in the process leaning disastrously in the direction of Manchester.
  • Angry locals will respond by throwing beer bottles and Manchester United scarves at the leaning monstrosity, only to inadvertently set off the Fail Safe. Booooooom!
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Exclusive Recipe: Deodorant Sandwiches!

Alright, so this is a hot dog at a weird angle. If you're smart you'll still get the idea. Insert deodorant for a refreshing sandwich!

Alright, so this is a hot dog at a weird angle. If you’re smart you’ll still get the idea. Insert deodorant for a refreshing sandwich!

Deodorant is great. Without deodorant humanity would have succumbed to extinction decades ago – the stifling stench of BO would have stifled everyone in one great big stifle. This is a fact as proven by the work of eminent scientist Sir Stephen Hawking, whose postulations on Black Holes prove they exist merely to pull all the stench from humans out of existence. This is how bad we all stink.

All hail deodorant then, which was invented by Mrs. Dee Odorante in 1950 following a pledge by numerous international governments to alleviate the bad smell. Mrs. D. Odorante duly obliged, and thusly we had deodorant. It consists of, admittedly, putrid smelling harsh substances which are lethal if you breathe them in. Good, eh? Luckily the spray residue is edible (NB: Deodorant is not edible – do not eat it in any form). We found this out as students when, bored of eating Beans on Toast for every meal 3 years straight, we invented Deodorant Sandwiches. Now we’ve patented it, packaged it, and they’ll be in stores near you with the name: “Deodorant Snadwich: Possibly Not Fatal If Consumed!“.

There are two problems with this title. The first is our food manufacturer inadvertently produced 500,000 of our sandwiches bearing the legend “Snadwich”. This typo is unfortunate, but negotiable (we’re yet to figure out how). What’s unfortunater are government guidelines, which require us to highlight the highly toxic nature of our creation. The only way our marketing bods could legally spin this is with a “Possibly” before the rest of the statement. Whilst we lament this unreasonable demand, we are pleased with all the negative press we’re receving from the world’s media. As “they” say, all publicity is good publicity. Bone appetite!

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Being Pelted With CS Gas? Suck On A Lemon!

It's a lemon!

It’s a lemon!

It’s a didactic day for us right now as it should be after yesterday’s reminiscing. We’ve learned a lot over the years, most of the stuff being odd and pointless. We’ve experience stuff too, whilst we’ve also not experience other stuff. For instance, never in our life have we been pelted with CS gas by a rampaging police unit. We’d consider this a positive non-experience and, in fact, Mr. Wapojif has included it on his CV under “Relevant Experiences”. Here it is verbatim: “Mr. Wapojif has never been pelted with CS gas by an enraged mob and/or fascist police force. He does, however, know how to handle such a situation.” How do we know this? Thanks to Mancunian band The Stone Roses and a barely comprehensible slur by singer Ian Brown in 1989. “Suck on a lemon and your eyes don’t water with CS gas!” he yells, and apparently this is true. The band’s eponymous debut album has many references to the Parisian student riots of 1968, during which the students sucked on lemons to avoid their eyes watering. The police pelted tear gas in their direction, you see. Clever, non? So if you live in a place with lots of this potent gas everyone, grow some lemons.

The stuff played an important role in Formula One driver Michael Schumacher’s career, weirdly enough. In 1991 French driver Bertrand Gachot (driving for the Jordan team) was sent to prison for two months after spraying a London cabbie with CS gas. This, thusly, opened the door for Schumi’s F1 debut. Good, eh? We wouldn’t recommend you go around spraying tear gas about the place, but should a mishap occur you can, at least, enjoy the fabulous taste of a lemon to alleviate your symptoms. ‘ey up, whoever said we were Morons?

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Donkey Kong Country – 20th Anniversary Tribute!

DKC in all it's 16 bit glory!

DKC in all it’s 16 bit glory!

‘ey up, two decades ago on this day Donkey Kong Country was released in Europe on the SNES. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was but 10 years old at the time. Now this game was a big deal at the time, as the pre-rendered 3D graphics were unlike anything seen before in console gaming. The game was essentially a standard platformer with an edge – David Wise’s incredible soundtrack. Now Wise (who was talent spotted by Rare creators Chris and Tim Stamper. He played them a few of his songs on a keyboard in the store he was working in and was hired!) would later grace the sequels DKC 2 and 3 with even more exceptional music, turning the trilogy into an unusually dramatic experience.

Putting it mildly, it’s all a nostalgic trip for us this 20th anniversary and we, like the lunatics we are, still listen to the DKC soundtrack to this day. Reminiscing can be fun, and seeing as the game was released on the Wii U recently it’s all been rather groovy! Here’s a slice (like that from a musical cake!) of some of the famed music from duh game.

Nintendo and Rare had a close relationship in the 1990s. The Japanese giant nurtured the mysterious British company, who would pay them back in dividends as they went on to create iconic classics such as Goldeneye, Banjo Kazooie, Perfect Dark, Jet Force Gemini, Killer Instinct, Diddy Kong Racing, and others. The two have since fallen out of love and now spend most of their thyme wistfully remembering when they were inseparable, often seen skipping through daisy fields laughing hysterically. Since then Nintendo continue to create the best games in the world, whilst Rare sit about eating dumplings. Like with Micheal Biehn in the 1980s: what the hell happened?!? At least we have our memories!

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Professional Moron’s Guide To Turning 30.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy!

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, turned 30 today. It is a momentous achievement and it makes him (and us) an expert on life and everything else. Now some of you reading this may not be 30 yet. Others might be. Either way, we now have a sense of moral and intellectual superiority so we’re going to get all pretentious and state the facts of life. This is what we’ve noticed in 30 years:

  1. Mashed potato isn’t as interesting as it was when we were younger.
  2. With each passing year cheese becomes more important.
  3. We have no idea who Kim Kardashian is and why she’s always in the media.
  4. Tea is everything.
  5. There should be more bumble bees.
  6. We have a strong impulse to make jam all the time.
  7. Sandwiches are great.
  8. Cake!
  9. Futurama is better than The Simpsons.
  10. Bloody youths and their bloody Facenovel and bloody Self-bloody-ies and bloody liberal bloody views. It bloody well makes us bloody sick! Back in our bloody day, you bloody well worked a 20 hour bloody shift cleaning urinals, then bloody returned bloody home to feed the bloody kids, get 20 minutes bloody sleep, then head back to bloody work! Bloody kids these bloody days have it bloody easy!

Turning 30 itself isn’t difficult – all you have to do is sit around waiting long enough and it happens. Dodge the odd meteorite and nuclear explosion along the way and you’ll be beaming upon arrival. The real deal is how to mark such an occasion. Are balloons enough? What about bonbons? Bovril? Burt Bacharach? Bins? Anything with a B seems to do the trick, so today we’re celebrating by listening to Burt Bacharach and drinking bonbon, bovril, and broccoli smoothies. Way to party, eh? Happy birthday to you all!

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Journey Into The Mind Of A Hamster.

Keith is spoiling for a fight.

Keith is spoiling for a fight.

“What is happening is his head? Oooh, I wish I knew.” Sang The Who on the seminal Tommy album. Many a thyme have we found ourselves wondering this about Keith the Syrian hamster, who turns 1 at the start of January. Now we consider ourselves to be hamster experts: we’ve owned numerous over the years, and have studied them extensively. A thesis titled “Hamsters: Inside The Brains Of These Fluffy Wee Beasts” was even released by us in 2013, but was widely discredited by the fatuous scientific community. In it we postulated hamsters know the answer to the origins of the universe, but they refuse to tell us humans until we’ve satisfied them with enough free food. Hamsters like food a great deal, you see, and Keith has indicated to us the foundation of existence had something to do with cheese. We need more fresh vegetables to glean this information orf of him.

Spurred on by our discovery we contacted the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) regarding the matter. We presumed they’d be interested to know Keith is quite skilled with nuclear physics, but were accused of wasting their thyme! What a sick world we live in where hamsters are prejudiced against, so today we’ve decided to provide a pictographic history of Keith through the last 10 months. His rise to genius is quite remarkable, although he doesn’t always opine over massive equations.*

Read the rest of this entry »

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Dumb and Dumber To – Why? WHY!?!?

Why did they do this to us?

Why did they do this to us?

Professional Moron first saw Dumb and Dumber in late 1994. 20 years on the puerile stupidity of the film still has us laughing like idiots. It fell at a time when Jim Carrey’s stardom had sky rocketed thanks to the colossal success of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and The Mask. His incredible year was rounded off by one of the best comedy films ever! Starring alongside him was the brilliant Jeff Daniels, who also had a successful 1994 as he was in Keanu Reeves vehicle Speed. Remember it? A bus which can’t drop below 50mph otherwise the bus driver is arrested and flogged with a whip – high octane stuff! Dumb and Dumber itself is technically a road movie where morons Lloyd and Harry inadvertently get themselves involved in a kidnapping ransom plot. It’s daft, and it’s highly amusing. The poster even referenced Forrest Gump, another smash hit in 1994, starring Tom Hanks, Elvis Presley, and Bono. Shawshank Redemption was also released that year, and The Lion King, AND Pulp Fiction. Why was 1994 such an almighty year in cinema? Anyway, we digress.

19 years on when the sequel was announced everyone was chuffed! “Huzzah!” we shouted at Professional Moron, and hugged many strangers on the bus journey home that merry day. This turned to “Huzzoh…” when we saw the first trailer earlier this year. It looked bad, other teaser scenes were bad, and now the reviews are coming in it’s been confirmed: Dumb and Dumber To is bad. We were going to put the trailer up here for you to see, but it’s so cringeworthy we’ve decided it would debase our beloved blog.

Bad tidings indeed, we can only report all this in a monotonous slur of disappointment. Yeah we haven’t seen the film, but come on: watch the trailer! Observe the 27% “Rotten” rating on Rotten Tomatoes! Read this segment of a review, “Lazy, uninspired, and populated by a cast that looks like they want to be anywhere else, Dumb and Dumber To is the most depressing ‘comedy’ I’ve seen in years.” Damn and blast, today’s post is an ode to a nostalgic mess up. For shame, sir! For shame.

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