Not normally scary, but when Beelzebub loves them you know there’s going to be trouble!
A few years ago Kellogs made a Cornflakes with Banana Chunks range of Cornflakes. If you’re unaware of how special this is, get some cornflakes and cut banana on top. Add milk/almond milk/soya/coffee/champagne and enjoy. It’s a thrill a minute breakfast cereal experience. Sadly, Kellogs discontinued the range as the preservative stricken chunks of banana they included in boxes brough about the Second Coming of Beelzebub. He wanted in on the Cornflakes/Banana thing, you see, and resurrected himself. The sight of the gargantuan monster in Morrisons (Walmart to Americans) asking shelf stackers where the cereal aisle was, brought about mass panic amongst the public. Sadly, this led to Cornflakes discontinuing the range. For shame!
We’re consequently going to do a list of potential new Kellogs Cornflakes ranges we want Kellogs to go ahead with. Obviously they can’t bring the Banana range back, as Beelzebub (who, on the discontinuation of the range, went back into limbo) will return for more cereal based awesomeness. Plus, World Domination etc. So, we feel we can lesser to pain of no ready-made Cornflakes with Bananas with this selection of Cornflakes With “?” Enjoy, heathens!
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Just pretend it says 2, alright?
We’ve been lazy this month and not bothered uploading anything. We’re going to continue this laziness theme with an easy post rambling about our special day. For, you see, it’s Professional Moron’s SECOND birthday TODAY! Mr. Wapojif, our intrepid editor, began this “journey” back in the summer of ’71 (when he wasn’t even alive), but this blog were already in his conscience. By age 4, Mr. Wapojif knew he’d be a blogger. By age 7, he had finished reading the Spot the Dog back catalogue and was ready to tackle serious literature – he consequently hit Where’s Wally with a vengeance (Waldo to any Americans). Two decades later he’d found Wally and was ready for the blog experience. Two years on and this is where you find us… sporadically posting about complete and utter surrealist nonsense, with all the content spewing from the deranged brain of Mr. Wapojif.
What have we bestowed upon the world? Horror! You can bet your silly brains there will be more of this on the weigh, so in the meantime do the following: brush your teeth, comb your hair, and eat 17 raw onions. Folic acid, you see, from the latter. It’s good for you.
Seen Drive? Great film. It would have been a classic if more sandwiches had been included.
We noted there aren’t many films about, or involing, sandwiches. Think about it – when did you last see a film where the word “sandwich” was even muttered? Look at the current batch of films; 12 Years a Slave, Dallas Buyers Club, The Hobbit: Demolition of Smeg, Gravity. Now we’ve seen Gravity, and not once in the 90 minute running time did we see or hear of sandwiches. What gives, Hollywood? Think of the key plot points which would have made a difference in major films over the years! It doesn’t bare thinking about, except we’re going to in today’s post anyway. So it’s a Sandwich Appreciation post, as we like sandwiches, as well as a consideration on contemporary and classic films and the plot devices they failed to pick up on. When you reall fink about it, it’s well stupid, you know, proper stupid that Hollywood have ignored this over the last half century. We’re so annoyed by this we’ve made a few new films up in case we’re talent spotted by Hollywood and drafted in to do some exciting news scripts. Heck, we’re bound to be a better bet than David Lindelhof (or Prometheus disaster fame), eh? Innit. We mean, the script there was so horrendous is ruined the entire film, which was only average anyway. Yeah, we’re h8ing on Prometheus again. Dang, bad habits Die Hard, right Bruce Willis?
So, read on if you value your sanity, heathens! To infinity, and tuna and sweetcorn (on malted bread and beyond)!
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2014′s Big Prediction: Dungarees are BACK!
Yeah, we don’t really know anything about fashion here in the Professional Moron office. Mr. Wapojif has no interest in spending his limited funds on some new jumper which costs £80 and will probably fall apart in 10 months. Instead, our glorious editor takes to wearing the same old insipid stuff. Week in, week out. One day, when he has robbed a bank and is rich, Mr. Wapojif will purchase lots of nice new stuff: really good quality organic eggs, those coat stands which don’t fall over if you throw your coat on, a kettle which boils REALLY quickly, and maybe a great big pink afro wig. What he won’t buy is clothes – ever again. Well, okay, maybe again at some point, but he does expect to be able to wear his current clothes relentlessly for the next 10 years.
Despite this disinterest in fashion, Mr. Wapojif considers himself an expert on all things fashionable. As with any narcissistic ignoramus, he knows what good fashion is. Skinny Jeans, for instance, isn’t good fashion. We’re going to stress this a lot today. What is good fashion? The great fashionable stalwart Burt Bacharach is always a good one to turn to for inspiration. Plus us: so we divulge what we have in store for the fashion world, with an array of new ideas which, if a hit, will be hitting the nearest fashion outlet… near you. So, onwards comrades! Learn what you must wear this year of 2014. Afraid? Yes, you very merry well ruddy should well have been. As a consequence, and for your safety, DO NOT attempt to recreate any of the below clothing inventions. You have been warned.
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Teenagers in the olden days.
Courtesy of Spaghetti Squiggles we’ve been offered more questions to answer. What do we like at Professional Moron? QUESTIONS! We have an addiction to answering them, yo, so we wasted no time in getting this lot thrashed out. No, this thyme it’s all about what advice our very own lunatic editor, Mr. Wapojif, would give to his younger self. A teenage Mr. Wapojif. First off, we’d better write a description of Mr. Wapojif as a younger man. Now aged 29 he’s become an embittered and belligerent sort, but in his yoof he was as happy as a daisy, leaping about and always laughing. It was one of those disturbing laughs, though. The sort which chills your blood and terrifies you to your very core. Happily, as he got older, this laugh disappeared and was replaced with sullen sociopathic tendencies.
As a teenager Mr. Wapojif could be observed behaving like an idiot. When not being stupid and silly, he would be throw eggs at people, setting his trousers on fire, or scaling buildings with a mop and a bucket for no reason. Such was his subversive nature. Anyway, to help further this all we THROW at you these six questions which have been answered with the most deep down honesty we could ever ruddy well muster. Onwards, comrades!
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Paul the Pentagon, our Official Mascot. TM. Do not steal – on pain of belligerent e-mails.
We decided to invent a blog mascot to liven things up a bit. As we’re so terminally lazy, we found one we drew on an old post well over a year ago! Time saving, see? Should we ever make any merchandise (such as Professional Moron’s branded: Egg Nogg, Spam and Marmite Milkshake, Shed Boat, or Moshing Machine (the first appearance of our mascot!)) then the chap you’ve already seen will be there to guide you towards our adequate, but extortionately priced, goods. Hell, if you can fork out £500 for another iPhone update… this time with a curved screen, then you can risk forking out £600 for a Moshing Machine which, to add to the unpredictable THRILL of our products, has the habit of exploding at inopportune moments. All of this is headed by our charming mascot. Yes, Paul the Pentagon is a laugh a minute kind of dude. With catchy catchphrases such as, “I really can’t be bothered today…”, “Man alive, I’m so bored!”, “What’s the point in doing anything when I can do nothing?”, and “I’m not taking the bins out. You take the bins out!”, you can expect all manner of hilarity to liven up your incredibly boring lives.
Before you wonder about Paul’s eyes and general well being – no, he does not have jaundice. He’s just like that. As for the steely expression, donut let this bely his extraordinary sense of humour. He once quipped a joke in the Professional Moron office which saw Mr. Wapojif laughing until he lost consciousness. One other thyme, right, Paul was cooking scrambled eggs, but forgot to use any ingredients! He stood there with the kitchen hob frying an empty pan with the same fixed expression you see above. After 30 minutes he wandered, leaving Mr. Wapojif to clean up the mess after the pan incinerated itself. Come to think of it, this wasn’t much fun. Anyway, you can see Paul on our About page.