Professional Moron

Dedicated to nonsensical absurdity since 1984.

Exclusive Invention: The Tea Bag Mop!

As you can see, janitors are already pretty thrilled about the Tea Bag Mop!

As you can see, janitors are already thrilled with the Tea Bag Mop!

Mops are great things. If you need to hang a spare shoe off something, you can stick it on the very top of the mop handle. This is how incredible the mop is. They could be even more amazing with a bit of creativity, and this is where Professional Moron’s latest invention comes in. For you see, we got to thinking about mop heads. Usually they’re a collection of cloth strands, or whatever they are, which dangle about the place. They don’t serve any purpose other than to mop up whatever someone’s done on aisle 1 in your local supermarket. Mop makers are missing a trick, for they could liven it all up by turning the mop head into an assortment of incredible tea flavours! Think about it: mop heads made out of tea bags, such as earl grey, green tea, assam, mint, cinnamon, and/or dandelion. The possibilities aren’t endless, but they’re certainly above average!

The idea this time in our Invention Series is to clean the floor, whilst simultaneously offering a beverage on the newly resplendent spillage free area! The major bonus is anyone wandering around wanting a spot of tea can immediately hit the deck and lick the tea flavouring off the spanking clean floor! Now if this sounds a bit disgusting to you fussy eaters/drinkers, do bear in mind the tea bags will be dipped into the harshest bleach imaginable before being moped about. As a consequence, you need not fear any germs on the newly clean area. No! All you are left to do is enjoy the fresh culinary stench of hazardous chemicals, and the glorious scent of Earl Grey. What can be better than that? Only a Tea Bag Mop!

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Why Do Humans Need To Comfort Food?

Breaking News: All boiled eggs to be fitted with a mandatory diaper!

Breaking News: All boiled eggs to be fitted with a mandatory diaper!

Comfort food: why do humans do it? We’ve given the idea a serious amount of noggin power over the last week. We’ll point out the obvious: food isn’t a sentient thing. When you buy a Pot Noodle it doesn’t rejoice as it is fulfilling its marketing driven legacy. The same goes for baked beans: not every bean needs to complete its destiny by leaving the tin. It’s okay if a stray one is left behind, dammit! Yet, clearly, every bean must fulfil its destiny as some people are wracked with existential dismay if they don’t empty a Baked Beans tin of ALL the beans. So why are humans now offering psychologically beneficial services for food?

To begin with, we must postulate why humans comfort food. There are several possibilities:

  1. The person is insane.
  2. The person is a clueless Hippy who needs to get an education.
  3. The person is under duress from the government (i.e. It’s the nanny state controlling us all!).

We don’t wish to succumb to psychotically vacuous hyperbole like blaming the “nanny state”, but it’s almost certainly due to #1, #2, and #3. The thought of a bunch of stupid humans sitting around offering comforting advice to food makes us ANGRY with rage! Imagine the following scenarios:

  • A grown man singing lullabies to a Shepherd’s Pie in order to help it sleep peacefully.
  • A Member of Parliament offering reassuring platitudes to a KFC Chicken Bucket meal.
  • Great Britain’s Prime Minister, Dave Cameron, crooning “Rock-a-bye Baby” to a Prawn, Mayo, and Rocket Sandwich.
  • The Queen of England opening a psychiatric centre for Vindaloo Curries with PTSD.
  • Barack Obama ordering all Boiled Eggs be fitted with diapers!
  • The United Nations demanding all citizens assist food products which have past their Best Before Dates across the road!!

Citizens of Earth, we preach to you thusly: stop this madness now!

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Withnail and I – A Trip Worth Taking!

The 1987 cult classic Withnail and I.

The 1987 cult classic Withnail and I.

Right, although Withnail and I is one of our favourite films we haven’t mentioned it on Professional Moron often. Like, twice according to our search history. We’re going to set the record straight, dammit! As chance had it, the film’s original print was recently remastered and it had a limited release in the UK – the first time since its original run in 1987! Many of you have probably never heard of it, but we can attest to it being one of the best (and funniest) films of all time. Being from Manchester, Professional Moron upped it and saw the cult classic in all its glory at the legendary Cornerhouse Cinema.

Putting a simple plot simply, two unemployed actors in 1960s London decide to take a holiday in the Lake District. Utter mayhem ensues, largely due to the flamboyant Withnail and his ridiculous/antagonistic behaviour. Why is all this so good? Well it’s so quintessentially British, and we don’t mean you have to be British to enjoy it. It plays on the often mundane nature of Englishness and England, whilst considering fading youth, the end of an era, the nature of success, and why fishing in streams with a shotgun is not a good idea. Plus, Richard E. Grant’s in it. There are no excuses – if you’re any kind of film fan you must get it watched, otherwise we’ll threaten you with a dead fish. Enjoy the trailer!

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How To Detox With An Ox.

Believe it or not, these things will make you slim in 2015!!!

Believe it or not, these things will make you slim in 2015!!!

Detoxing – everyone’s mad for it. Well, not everyone. A lot of people are rather keen on it, but there are many tens of millions who simply don’t give a damn. The nutrition and fitness industries, however, will have us all believe this “detox” thing is a vital part of our lives. Now as human beings (if you’re not from this planet please stop reading this post) we often have binge eating sessions, such as at Christmas. Typically this is a thyme to overindulge hideously on sugary products, booze, and other stuff like roast potatoes. After the celebrations are over, one is often left with crushing guilt and the knowledge you’ve gained a stone. Proper bummer, man. This is when, from January, DETOX rears itself in the advertising world with fad diet and exercise techniques. The whole idea is to flush out your system and bring about a new you, until Easter when Chocolate Eggs descend on humanity. The horror!

Anyway, it’s thyme to fight back! Want to be more healthy? We have the answer*, and all you need to do is purchase a 640kg ox (such as the one pictured)! Now we understand these often massive beasts may not fit in your abode, so for anyone living in a flat you will find a ferret or hamster will suffice. Those with the oxen option, get an ox (or two). Now it’s known your average ox eats around 30 pounds of forage per day. This is where your detox plan kicks in: you’re going to need to get all this stuff for the ox, as well as clear your house of the toiletry deposits it leaves behind. You will need to dig up your neighbour’s gardens, rummage through bins, ram raid gardening stores, and generally knacker yourself out. This is a hellish task you wouldn’t bestow on your worst enemies, but even so this is the new you we’re talking about. Want to look good for summer 2015? Then Detox With An Ox!

*Professional Moron has been noted by the National Fitness Awards (NFA) for its stellar work in the industry. We won the “Most Disturbing And Reprehensible New Exercise Technique” at the 2014 NFA Awards ceremony! They stated, verbatim, “Professional Moron truly live up to their moniker.” We are proud.

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Knickerbocker Glory: Why the name, dear?

Ice cream, but with a stoopid name.

Ice cream, but with a stoopid name.

Whilst typing out the name of this ice cream sundae we put “Knickerbloker”. This sounds like we’re telling you to go out there and knick (steal) a bloke (or) two. We highly recommend you do not proceed with such an activity – this is known as jaywalking and can result in a £100 fine. Anyway, the Knickerbocker Glory is known as an ice cream sundae which often towers some 10ft into the sky. It’s crammed full of ice cream (duh), fruit, bits of nuts, syrup, honey, jam, possibly haggis, and then it’s all topped off with whipped cream and one of those strange preserved cherries. As an indulgent treat, it’s indulgent. It also has a stupid name.

The endearingly stupid name probably originates from the Knickerbocker Hotel in America, which opened in 1906 (and not 1907, as was violently debated at the annual Knickerbocker Glory Convention in Hull). The debate will rage on, however, as there were also Knickerbockers in the 20th century – popular knee high baggy pants as worn by the reprobate youths and golfers of the era. Confusingly, Knickerbocker (as a word) comes from Dutch settlers in New York. Let’s put all this into a concise conclusion: a ridiculously extravagant ice cream sundae, with an equally ridiculous name, originated from a word picked up from the Dutch, applied to an even more ridiculous pair of trousers, which was then taken up by a fancy multi-storey hotel, and then became popular in England as the ice cream with the stupid name. An illustrious history. The only thing we don’t get is why it hasn’t been adapted to the demands of Halloween: Knickerbocker GORY. What’s wrong with sticking a severed hand in there? MWAHAAHAHA!

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Exclusive Invention: Razor Soap!

Soap... with razors in it! A perfect time saver for men fed up of washing and shaving at separate thymes!

Soap… with razors in it! A perfect time saver for men fed up of washing and shaving at separate thymes!

Your average guy will inform you having to shave regularly is an utter pain. Indeed, washing in general is a perpetual nuisance brought on by the demands of polite society. Men would be happy if they never had to wash ever again. Double indeed, most would turn it into a competition to see how bad they could end up stinking. Really bad, would be the answer, and they’d all end up holding International Stink Festivals where the gathered collective of BO reeking blokes would shift localised climate change issues 200 miles to the right (why the right? As The Right don’t believe in climate change, as they’re obstinate and/or stupid).

Today’s invention will revolutionise the cosmetics industry, as well as burdening A&E departments with unnecessarily stupid injuries. Razor Soap is an ingenious invention which combines razor blades within soap! Blocks of soap will be handcrafted by expert soap makers, whilst convicted psychopaths will insert the razors afterwards for Razor Soap’s cutting edge (!!) look. For soap condensers, razor shards will be added to the soap gloop during production. The idea is to create a thyme saving product which will save thyme. Hate having to wash AND THEN shave!? Now you can combine the two! The high quality soap will refresh your skin and leave it soapily smooth, whilst the razors will shave off your beard/stubble/moustache in no thyme at all!

There have been some concerns from the Consumer Healthcare Products Association (CHPA), and other consumer rights advocates, regarding Razor Soap. It has been noted many test models simply ended up shredding their faces to bits, rather than enjoying pleasant shaves. The CHPA stated, “As opposed to being a time saving product, Razor Soap, conversely, created a protracted experience with many months of hospital treatment and plastic surgery required to restore some facial normality. This concerned us somewhat.” We dismiss these claims as unsubstantiated and recommend you purchase Razor Soap when it hits the shelves in January 2015! Retail Price: £50 a block/tub.

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The Great Ladybird Invasion of October 2014!

DON'T LET IT SEE THE WHITES OF YOUR EYES!!!!

DON’T LET IT SEE THE WHITES OF YOUR EYES!!!!

Salford Quays of Manchester is currently under invasion from an army of docile, yet utterly terrifying, ladybirds! It has been purported (by Manchester’s bustling scientific community, led by noted drumming genius Ringo Starr) at least 10 million of the beetles have taken to the Quays in order to enjoy the final few days of Autumnal warmth. The wee beasts have inadvertently been striking the fear of death into locals due to the endless waves of them as they go about docile activities such as: fluttering delicately on the wind, sunbathing, accidentally flying into people’s homes/flats, and landing on people. Professional Moron’s esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, has been annoying his colleagues, and the neighbours, with his high pitched screams of ladybird based horror. He can be calmed by free tubs of ice cream and Jaffa Cakes, but on the whole everyone in the local community now has tinnitus due to his manic braying.

Ladybirds tend to be very small beetles which flap about the place and don’t upset anyone. Some have been known to grow up to 50ft long, however, and Mancunians are in a state of sheer panic this evening as they fear a Godzilla styled ladybird assault. Former Beatle Ringo Starr has stated the beetles have been attracted to Manchester (as opposed to, like, Disney Land, or something) due to one of four reasons:

  • The recent resurgence in global superbrand Manchester United, whose team wear similar colours to ladybirds and thusly create some sort of glory supporting effort from the bugs.
  • The season long calamities for Ferrari’s F1 team, which sent the similarly attired ladybirds fleeing Italy in existential dismay.
  • The recent restoration of Manchester’s central library, thusly promoting Ladybird books to take on a PR coup over the more famous Penguin. Or:
  • The ladybirds, having watched the recent Planet of the Apes film, fancy a bit of that and are aiming to take over Manchester.

Manchester is a city gripped this evening, and Prime Minister David Cameron issued the following public statement, “Anyone whom comes across a ladybird is advised to panic insanely and run for their very lives. Then, after a few days, all the beetles will probably have cleared off and all will be back to normal. Simples.”. We shall wait and see, Dave. We shall wait and see.

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