Can Science Unscramble Scrambled Eggs?

Professional Moron supports Scrambled Egg rights.
We support Scrambled Egg rights.

It’s been all over the news this week like a juggler all over juggling balls: science figured out how to un-boil a boiled egg. This monumental discovery is perfect for anyone who has spent the last 5 minutes boiling an egg by mistake. Think of all the damn eggs which will be saved for cakes, flans, omelettes, and meringue! It’s a modern day miracle of the highest order.

How did they do it? Well when eggs are heated the protein in egg whites (lysozyme) gets wasted and its deformed subunits tangle together like stoned Hippies. Apparently this process is called “aggregation”, but we prefer to call it “Eggstock, maaaan”. To undo the boiledness scientists figured it would be wise to put the boiled egg in a vortex, which was then sent spinning dead fast until the lysozyme sobered up. Think of it like that Superman film where our yellow underpants wearing hero reverses time by flying around the world over and over and over. Voila – an un-boiled egg!

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The Pot Noodle Easter Egg Is Here!

You get a mug with it.
You get a mug with it.

It’s a double whammy of Easter Egg based awesomeness! Yesterday we covered the Marmite Easter Egg, today we’re heading for the sophisticated culinary experience of Pot Noodles. These things, if you’re wondering, consist of dry noodles in a plastic tub, with a load of powdery flavouring stuff. You add boiling water and, presto hey, the thing’s ready! As you’ll agree, this makes a perfect fit for an Easter Egg merger and, consequently, we have the Pot Noodle Easter Egg. Is this the very moment of food based perfection humanity has been waiting for?

Not really, no. To our dismay this isn’t quite the innovative lunacy of last year’s Choc Noodle. It’s all rather tame in comparison to that almighty homage to gluttony, and also to the Marmite Easter Egg. Indeed, this is simply a chocolate Easter egg in a Pot Noodle mug. The mug will make for a fun collector’s item (if Pot Noodle collectors exist), and the chocolate egg will taste like chocolate (as it’s chocolate), but this is a bit of a cop out. We can’t help but wish the Pot Noodle Easter Egg consisted of noodles in one way or another, or was somewhat more imaginative. Why not be more imaginative? It could have been a Pot Noodle mix IN the chocolate egg! Admittedly, when you added boiling water, it would have melted everywhere, but at least it would have been something other than a bloody mug!

3 out of 10 for effort, then. Next year, Pot Noodle people, try something unusual like the Choc Noodle. For instance, try a Hop Noodle – it would jump about like a rabbit which is, you know, in the spirit of contemporary Easter stuffs. Rabbits and chocolate. Noodles? Whatever.

The Marmite Easter Egg Is Here!

Admit it - you want one.
Admit it – you want one.

Sometimes good things happen to good people, which is why there will be a Marmite Easter Egg released next week! It’s going to cost £5 (alternatively it’ll be free, if you steal one) and will be made of chocolate and marmite. Naturally it’s being released as it’s Easter. Is it? No, it’s January. Easter’s in April. Companies want your money, though, so you’d better rush to your nearest shop. NOW!!!

Whilst this may seem like a weird creation, you must remember marmite is a highly popular yeast based spread. It’s most common for its use with toast due to its very salty kick, which is kind of akin to being punched in the face with a bag of salt. The sensation is popular which has led to marmite becoming a hit all over the world, although versions vary in certain nations. Australians, for instance, head for Vegemite which is apparently even saltier in taste. It’s also mega popular in the UK where it’s something of a national treasure, with even a version called Ma’amite being released (in tribute to His Majesty, Freddie Mercury).

The one downside to the mega tasty Marmite is its salt content is through the roof. Rumour has it, should you eat an entire jar in one sitting, you will be visited by giant talking oysters who will verbally abuse you until you begin shrieking hysterically. To be on the safe side, limit your intake to a splodge a day. Quite how this will work with the Easter egg we’re not sure. Obviously it’s going to taste of chocolaty marmite, but are we talking, “One egg equals 304% of your daily salt intake” here? Whatever, we’re going to find one, buy it, and then face the consequences. Bring it on!

Book Of Da Week: Over The Edge of the World

History hoo-hahs!
History hoo-hahs!

HISTORY this week and one almighty story about the first circumnavigation of the globe! Now “circumnavigation” is a mighty big word and it took us quite a while of studying its etymology before we could begin American historian Laurence Bergreen’s tome. When we did, we were agape at the lunacy of the Age of Discovery.

You see, believe it or snot, 500 years back spices (such as cloves and pepper) were gold chunks, and stashing up on a bounty of these would ensure a successful voyage met with a life of luxury. Thusly, in 1519, Ferdinand Magellan led a five ship voyage from Spain with 260 lives on board. The plan was to reach the Spice Islands (Moluccas – an archipelago in Indonesia), claim a bounty of nutmeg etc., and return to Spain to claim riches, glory, and the historic circumnavigation. Easy, right?

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Exclusive Invention: Oinkment!


Pigs! You have to love them. When you’re growing up you think they’re stupid, gluttonous animals, but then you watch Babe from 1995 and you realise Babe is well smart and a total legend. Then, of course, there’s Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web. As proven in this poignant fable, it’s possible for a pig and spider to get along. Professional Moron tried this recently by keeping a pig in a bowl with a tarantula. The first problem occurred when the pig wouldn’t fit in the bowl. It then squirmed loose as we tried to figure out a solution and promptly raided our larder. All our fresh rhubarb… gone!

Another popular pig notion is they’re always covered in mud and they smell bad. Again, this is possibly spurious. We state “possibly” as we don’t hang around with pigs much, so we can’t say for sure. We’re betting they don’t smell of roses, however, so we’ve come up with a fantastic new ointment for farmers to rub all over their pigs! We’ve dubbed this latest invention of ours Oinkment and it consists of stuff every pig will love, such as:

  • Mud
  • Roses
  • Horse manure
  • Peppermint

As you can imagine this creates a quite grotesquely nauseating stench for any human being, but the pigs will love their new aroma and will flaunt it in any field you thusly thrust them into. To be honest we’re surprised the pigs from Animal Farm didn’t think of this. Napoleon, Snowball, Minimus, and Squealer should have used their collective intellect to alleviate their overall stink. Maybe then it wouldn’t have all descended into a totalitarian nightmare. There you have it – farmers hold the key to an autocratic society. Fear the farmers! Push forward Oinkment: £55 a bottle!

In Contempt Of Hungry Hungry Hippos

He may look cute but that is one crazed SOB.
He may look cute but that is one crazed SOB.

You may remember Hungry Hungry Hippos from when you were a kid. It’s a game where you sit there and smash your fists violently up and down off a bit of plastic – four people can play at once, and the hippos collect these marble-esque things. When they’re all collected the players count them up and see who has the most, with numerical superiority equalling a pointless victory.

Hasbro released Hungry Hungry Hippos in 1978 and, like an outraged and malodorous hippopotamus stampeding towards a group of rich tourists, it made one hell of an impact. Due to this some of you may consider the game to be a bit of an innocuous laugh, but we’ve figured out it is utterly barbaric. Many children were scarred, scared, and made sacred by this disgrace to humanity, and we at Professional Moron are but a few of its victims. The sad reality is this has been going on for decades. For shame!

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An Analysis Of Tinned Full English Breakfasts

All Day Breakfast
Glorious food covered in beans!

If you can’t be bothered frying yourself a Full English Breakfast, rest assured you can buy it readymade! These monuments to laziness consist of beans, scotch eggs, sausages, and mushrooms. So, as you can see, the mushrooms and beans provide a massive health boost! Not so with the sausages, which are probably made out of blu-tack and glue. Why bother with nutrition when you can have convenience, eh?

We think All Day Breakfast manufacturers (and there are many brands behind these brilliant abominations) have been somewhat lazy here. Really, only four things in the tin? You can easily compact further stuff in there; why not jam in hash browns, bacon, mayonnaise, ketchup, fried eggs, veggie sausages (to cover for vegetarians – they can pick the meat stuff out at will), and a mug of cheap coffee? Go for the whole experience, otherwise you’re fobbing off paying customers with subpar traditional British Breakfasts. This is catastrophic, as a hungry English person is a violent English person. As is well known, 91% of British football riots are caused when football grounds run out of pies. The solution? It would appear to be to stock up on PROPER All Day Breakfast tins in reserve. Yes.

What bemuses us most, however, is the concept of an “All Day Breakfast”. How is it breakfast at 11pm, for instance? That’s a late night snack – an ode to morbid obesity. Breakfast is breakfast, as you break your sleeping fast by eating. At a push there is Brunch, where breakfast overlaps into lunch. You can’t have Brinner, where breakfast and dinner combine to create weird concoctions such as Cornflake Lasagne. It should be illegal to consume breakfast after 12pm. Maybe we’ll make a petition to the government – we’re bloody sick of heathens manipulating the world into a breakfast free-for-all!