Fundamental Grammer: Why “You Are” Equals “You’re”

Got it yet? Its grammur. Get it write!

Right, we’ve had enough of idiots getting the most basic of English lessons incorrect. For the love of Sweet Zombie Jesus, “you are” equals “you’re”. You hear? It’s a contraction, you see, which is what happens to pregnant women when they’re giving birth as they’re fed up of being pregnant and hearing doctors get their yours wrong.

English contractions aren’t as mind crushingly agonising as pregnancy contractions, of course, unless of course you suffer from Grammer Pedantry. This is an illness which afflicts people with an IQ above 80 who are able to construct sentences which most 5 year olds could probably manage (probably as during their “deliverance” they could hear their mother screaming “You’re a b&%^$&!!!” at her spouse, due to the pain you see).

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In Praise of Parks and Recreation

Parks and Recreation
Government officials, eh? Goddamn Commie SOBs!

‘tis always a nice moment when one discovers a new bit of culture which one can connect with emotionally. Thusly we started watching Parks and Recreation on a whim and, what ho, it’s most excellent! Starring comedy stalwarts such as Amy Poehler, Nick Offerman, Chris Pratt (yes, him from the massive Jurassic World blockbuster – this was a pre-fame shindig), and Rob Lowe judging from the poster above (we’re only on season 2 – he’s not turned up yet).

It’s a mockumentary very much along the lines of the brilliant Arrested Development, merged with the likes of The Office (in the sense it takes place in an office, and the people who write the American version of The Office write this… confused?). It follows the life of quirky, relentlessly optimistic Leslie Knope (Poehler), the deputy director of the Parks and Recreation Department in an American town and her general hijinks. And it’s excellent.

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Book Of Da Week: The Snows of Kilimanjaro

The Snows of Kilimanjaro
Early titles included “The Snows of Skegness”, but Hemingway’s agent convinced him otherwise.

Okay, so we started this regular Book Of Da Week thing back in December, or something, and we’ve still not done a Hemingway. Shocking, right? The Literary God penned many books with a distinct writing style. It used concise sentences. A lack of big words. To make everything. So much more. Dramatic. Crap bags, it sure did work! Hemingway won The Nobel Prize in Literature, as well as Beard of the Decade (for the ‘50s).

Okay, we thought OAP and the Sea or some other predictable fable from the Hemingway library? No, we decided. We’ll go for the Snows of Kilimanjaro, which is a big hill in Wales we believe. This one is, what ho, a collection of short stories, some of which are dramatic, haunting, emotive, and other words from the Hemingway world of literary description.

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Beverage Rights Horror: Ribena & Capri-Sun BANNED At Tesco!

It’s been BANNED due to its obscene nature.

Yesterday we scoffed at stupid Americans and their stupid ban of stupid (in a great kind of stupid way) Kinder Surprise Eggs. Today we’re scoffing at us stupid British people and our capricious banning of innocuous concentrated fruit juice drinks.

We don’t know if Ribena or Capri-Sun are sold to other areas of the world, but in England these juice drinks are part of our culture. British folk consider it a patriotic duty to consume these sugary majiggers, why it’s as much of a tradition in British hearts as The Queen, drinking tea, going down solemnly with ships (most notably the Titanic), causing massive football riots, and eating Fish & Chips.

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Why Are Kinder Surprise Eggs Banned In America?!?

Kinder Surprise Eggs
Not so much of a surprise when you can’t even bloody buy them, eh?

Whilst writing an article yesterday it came to Professional Moron’s attention innocuous Kinder Surprise Eggs are banned in the US, USA, ‘Muricah, America, the United States, and the United States of ‘Muricah. Why? They’re a choking hazard to children. Indeed.

To an extent we can understand the US Food and Drug Administration’s (FDA) seasoning, but then it emerged Choco Surprise Eggs employed a canny design which means this Kinder Surprise Egg counterfeit isn’t banned under US regulations, as it’s chocolate shows there’s something inside, thusly rendering choking a probable non-certainty.

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Reasonably Exclusive Recipe: Deep Fried Mars Bar Pizza!

Pizza making
Hopelessly out of date, this method. Where the hell is the deep fat fryer?

Deep fried mars bars have been in the news a lot recently. A popular Scottish dish which has been, somewhat correctly, criticised for being a touch unhealthy. Balls to healthiness, we say! Indeed, we’ve taken things a step further and brought in the pizza to create a hellish nightmare of saturated fat, calories, and illness.

Yes, the Deep Fried Mars Bar Pizza is a truly glorious invention. It requires a dozen deep fried mars bars, and a pizza (homemade or store bought). The mars bars are placed (attach them on with full fat melted cheese and more caramel) onto the top of the pizza, and then get your deep fat fryer ready again: damn right, you’re deep fat frying the mother!

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What in the Name of Bejeezus are Raisins?!?

Raisins and grapes
This is the process of Grape to Raisin. Pretty DISGUSTING, right?

Imagine our consternation, right, upon unearthing a fact of late. Indeed, Professional Moron recently discovered raisins are shrivelled up grapes. Let’s reiterate that: the awesome, mighty raisin, is a sunburnt grape. What… the… hell? We’ve been conned all these years by those conniving goddamn SOBs! Whatever next? It turns out prunes are watermelons?!?!

Once we’d calmed down (which took a good few weeks) we suddenly realised this whole grape scenario makes sense. After all, there’s other sunburnt food you can eat: sunburned tomatoes, sidewalk fried egg (when it’s a sunny day), those earthworms which you see dried up like twiglets, and mushrooms left out of the fridge for too long. Yes. Yes! How could we be so dense?

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