Professional Moron

Dedicated to nonsensical absurdity since 1984.

How To Detox With An Ox.

Believe it or not, these things will make you slim in 2015!!!

Believe it or not, these things will make you slim in 2015!!!

Detoxing – everyone’s mad for it. Well, not everyone. A lot of people are rather keen on it, but there are many tens of millions who simply don’t give a damn. The nutrition and fitness industries, however, will have us all believe this “detox” thing is a vital part of our lives. Now as human beings (if you’re not from this planet please stop reading this post) we often have binge eating sessions, such as at Christmas. Typically this is a thyme to overindulge hideously on sugary products, booze, and other stuff like roast potatoes. After the celebrations are over, one is often left with crushing guilt and the knowledge you’ve gained a stone. Proper bummer, man. This is when, from January, DETOX rears itself in the advertising world with fad diet and exercise techniques. The whole idea is to flush out your system and bring about a new you, until Easter when Chocolate Eggs descend on humanity. The horror!

Anyway, it’s thyme to fight back! Want to be more healthy? We have the answer*, and all you need to do is purchase a 640kg ox (such as the one pictured)! Now we understand these often massive beasts may not fit in your abode, so for anyone living in a flat you will find a ferret or hamster will suffice. Those with the oxen option, get an ox (or two). Now it’s known your average ox eats around 30 pounds of forage per day. This is where your detox plan kicks in: you’re going to need to get all this stuff for the ox, as well as clear your house of the toiletry deposits it leaves behind. You will need to dig up your neighbour’s gardens, rummage through bins, ram raid gardening stores, and generally knacker yourself out. This is a hellish task you wouldn’t bestow on your worst enemies, but even so this is the new you we’re talking about. Want to look good for summer 2015? Then Detox With An Ox!

*Professional Moron has been noted by the National Fitness Awards (NFA) for its stellar work in the industry. We won the “Most Disturbing And Reprehensible New Exercise Technique” at the 2014 NFA Awards ceremony! They stated, verbatim, “Professional Moron truly live up to their moniker.” We are proud.

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Knickerbocker Glory: Why the name, dear?

Ice cream, but with a stoopid name.

Ice cream, but with a stoopid name.

Whilst typing out the name of this ice cream sundae we put “Knickerbloker”. This sounds like we’re telling you to go out there and knick (steal) a bloke (or) two. We highly recommend you do not proceed with such an activity – this is known as jaywalking and can result in a £100 fine. Anyway, the Knickerbocker Glory is known as an ice cream sundae which often towers some 10ft into the sky. It’s crammed full of ice cream (duh), fruit, bits of nuts, syrup, honey, jam, possibly haggis, and then it’s all topped off with whipped cream and one of those strange preserved cherries. As an indulgent treat, it’s indulgent. It also has a stupid name.

The endearingly stupid name probably originates from the Knickerbocker Hotel in America, which opened in 1906 (and not 1907, as was violently debated at the annual Knickerbocker Glory Convention in Hull). The debate will rage on, however, as there were also Knickerbockers in the 20th century – popular knee high baggy pants as worn by the reprobate youths and golfers of the era. Confusingly, Knickerbocker (as a word) comes from Dutch settlers in New York. Let’s put all this into a concise conclusion: a ridiculously extravagant ice cream sundae, with an equally ridiculous name, originated from a word picked up from the Dutch, applied to an even more ridiculous pair of trousers, which was then taken up by a fancy multi-storey hotel, and then became popular in England as the ice cream with the stupid name. An illustrious history. The only thing we don’t get is why it hasn’t been adapted to the demands of Halloween: Knickerbocker GORY. What’s wrong with sticking a severed hand in there? MWAHAAHAHA!

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Exclusive Invention: Razor Soap!

Soap... with razors in it! A perfect time saver for men fed up of washing and shaving at separate thymes!

Soap… with razors in it! A perfect time saver for men fed up of washing and shaving at separate thymes!

Your average guy will inform you having to shave regularly is an utter pain. Indeed, washing in general is a perpetual nuisance brought on by the demands of polite society. Men would be happy if they never had to wash ever again. Double indeed, most would turn it into a competition to see how bad they could end up stinking. Really bad, would be the answer, and they’d all end up holding International Stink Festivals where the gathered collective of BO reeking blokes would shift localised climate change issues 200 miles to the right (why the right? As The Right don’t believe in climate change, as they’re obstinate and/or stupid).

Today’s invention will revolutionise the cosmetics industry, as well as burdening A&E departments with unnecessarily stupid injuries. Razor Soap is an ingenious invention which combines razor blades within soap! Blocks of soap will be handcrafted by expert soap makers, whilst convicted psychopaths will insert the razors afterwards for Razor Soap’s cutting edge (!!) look. For soap condensers, razor shards will be added to the soap gloop during production. The idea is to create a thyme saving product which will save thyme. Hate having to wash AND THEN shave!? Now you can combine the two! The high quality soap will refresh your skin and leave it soapily smooth, whilst the razors will shave off your beard/stubble/moustache in no thyme at all!

There have been some concerns from the Consumer Healthcare Products Association (CHPA), and other consumer rights advocates, regarding Razor Soap. It has been noted many test models simply ended up shredding their faces to bits, rather than enjoying pleasant shaves. The CHPA stated, “As opposed to being a time saving product, Razor Soap, conversely, created a protracted experience with many months of hospital treatment and plastic surgery required to restore some facial normality. This concerned us somewhat.” We dismiss these claims as unsubstantiated and recommend you purchase Razor Soap when it hits the shelves in January 2015! Retail Price: £50 a block/tub.

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The Great Ladybird Invasion of October 2014!

DON'T LET IT SEE THE WHITES OF YOUR EYES!!!!

DON’T LET IT SEE THE WHITES OF YOUR EYES!!!!

Salford Quays of Manchester is currently under invasion from an army of docile, yet utterly terrifying, ladybirds! It has been purported (by Manchester’s bustling scientific community, led by noted drumming genius Ringo Starr) at least 10 million of the beetles have taken to the Quays in order to enjoy the final few days of Autumnal warmth. The wee beasts have inadvertently been striking the fear of death into locals due to the endless waves of them as they go about docile activities such as: fluttering delicately on the wind, sunbathing, accidentally flying into people’s homes/flats, and landing on people. Professional Moron’s esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, has been annoying his colleagues, and the neighbours, with his high pitched screams of ladybird based horror. He can be calmed by free tubs of ice cream and Jaffa Cakes, but on the whole everyone in the local community now has tinnitus due to his manic braying.

Ladybirds tend to be very small beetles which flap about the place and don’t upset anyone. Some have been known to grow up to 50ft long, however, and Mancunians are in a state of sheer panic this evening as they fear a Godzilla styled ladybird assault. Former Beatle Ringo Starr has stated the beetles have been attracted to Manchester (as opposed to, like, Disney Land, or something) due to one of four reasons:

  • The recent resurgence in global superbrand Manchester United, whose team wear similar colours to ladybirds and thusly create some sort of glory supporting effort from the bugs.
  • The season long calamities for Ferrari’s F1 team, which sent the similarly attired ladybirds fleeing Italy in existential dismay.
  • The recent restoration of Manchester’s central library, thusly promoting Ladybird books to take on a PR coup over the more famous Penguin. Or:
  • The ladybirds, having watched the recent Planet of the Apes film, fancy a bit of that and are aiming to take over Manchester.

Manchester is a city gripped this evening, and Prime Minister David Cameron issued the following public statement, “Anyone whom comes across a ladybird is advised to panic insanely and run for their very lives. Then, after a few days, all the beetles will probably have cleared off and all will be back to normal. Simples.”. We shall wait and see, Dave. We shall wait and see.

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Life Force: The Psychosis of NES Gaming.

NES Life Force

NES Life Force

Right, so we explained earlier this month about the absurdity of the Capcom game Ghosts ‘N Goblins on the NES (Nintendo Entertainment System). Arguably the most difficult video game in history, we figured it couldn’t be topped. Let’s recap for a moment: NES games were, artificially, made more difficult so they’d last longer. This being the late ’80s, their comparative length to modern games wasn’t on. Developers upped the difficulty to make stuff last, but this led to games like Life Force. It’s a very good game (think of Space Invaders and you’re almost there) but it’s insanely difficult. This isn’t a a “well after 30 minutes it became a bit jolly!”, it’s a full on “you have 10 seconds, and we’re not going to apologise for it” thing. We’re not joking: you have 10 seconds, otherwise it’s a no go. Game Over. Go and play Call of Duty. Now that’s one hell of a statement, given back in the ’80s you’ve just paid £40 for this thing. If you’re a particularly stupid kid, you’re not going beyond the £0.99p stage. In fact, you’re not making it beyond 30 seconds of screen time.

It’s staggering to think these NES games were so difficult – but they are. The Wii U, in all its brilliance, allows you to download NES classics such as Mario Bros 3. An incredible game, but difficult beyond belief, but nowhere near Life Force. For this game you need professional help. Professional Morons. Such as us. We completed it (we’re not really sure how) – give us a ring.

 

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Why Are Hot Air Balloons That Shape?

What is it with these things and their banal features!?!?

What is it with these things and their banal features!?!?

You never see perpendicular or acute angled Hot Air Balloons, do you? We’re not sure why this is. Given the Hot Air Balloon, which was invented by Monsieur Hotair Balon in 1854, has been a “round” (Get it? Spherical joke #1) for a fair bit, and add in the other given of advanced technology in 2014, then it’s a given the given should be much better hot air balloons. Admit it, you only ever see circular type ones floating about the place. We find this quite prejudiced against other shapes; why not have an aardvark shaped hot air balloon? What have aardvarks ever done to harm the industry? We think they should be honoured by Hot Air Balloon Conventions for services to hot air balloons. They’ve done nothing to hinder them in any way!

The wicker basket at the bottom of the balloons is another area of bemused bemusedality. There’s only ever enough room for, like, you know, two people. There are 7+ billion people on this planet, surely a contraption could be invented to let, like, you know, four on board. On a global population ratio of those who have been on a hot air balloon, to those who haven’t, the latter is winning out pretty well. Why? As only two people can ever get in one! So… thus far we’ve established hot air balloons, whilst holding a graceful and aesthetically pleasing presence, are racist against other shapes other than spherical objects, only favour around 0.0001% of the global population in their usability, and they still can’t make it all the way around the world (even though Richard Branson has tried so ruddy hard). Something’s not quite right here, sir, and we believe we can trace the problem to its cause (through our banal reductionist technique): hot air balloons. They’re the problem, and they’re the solution. We’re glad we can offer our edifying edification to you all.

 

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Miracles Happen: It’s The Choc Noodle!

Yes, this really exists!!!

Yes, this really exists!!!

Sometimes something incredible happens in this massive old world which means we don’t have to think of anything to write about. Today is one of those days. Huzzah! Double huzzah, indeed, as Pot Noodle inventors Pot Noodle have announced a variation on their noodle based snack thing: Choc Noodles. This is to state, a Pot Noodle with chocolate in it. Innit. Seriously, it has fudge chunks and chocolate drops in there, along with your standard noodles, chocolate covered pecan nuts, and more noodles. It’s a Pot Noodle dessert, effectively, meaning one can now eat a Pot Noodle (such as the legendary Chicken and Mushroom flavour), then finish off your evening meal with a Choc Noodle. All you have to do is add boiling water, and both are ready after four minutes, respectively, of “cooking” time. Using our powers of deduction, Professional Moron can reveal this equates to buttermere 8 minutes of cooking time to foist upon yourself your evening meal. Not quite as fast as beans on toast, but a heck of a lot better than a full Sunday Roast!

Pot Noodle a few years ago, ironically, did do a Christmas Dinner Pot Noodle for soldiers serving in some pointless war somewhere. There was also the Kebab Pot Noodle, for those too drunk to be bothered to order a kebab after a night out. Mind you, an inebriated person could easily pour scolding hot boiled water over their arm in mistake of a Pot Noodle. So be careful, people. What we’re really surprised about is how there’s no Full English Breakfast Pot Noodle. Surely with the myriad of chemicals companies can come up with these days, flavourings could be added to make this happen. Or how about a Cornflakes Pot Noodle? Or a Haggis Pot Noodle? Apparently it’s Chocolate Week, or something, which explains the Choc Noodle, but Professional Moron DEMANDS a Smoked Skipper Pot Noodle or we won’t be buying the Choc Noodle. Calling us pedantic? Don’t even go there, sister!

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