Professional Moron

Dedicated to nonsensical absurdity since 1984.

Donkey Kong Country – 20th Anniversary Tribute!

DKC in all it's 16 bit glory!

DKC in all it’s 16 bit glory!

‘ey up, two decades ago on this day Donkey Kong Country was released in Europe on the SNES. Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, was but 10 years old at the time. Now this game was a big deal at the time, as the pre-rendered 3D graphics were unlike anything seen before in console gaming. The game was essentially a standard platformer with an edge – David Wise’s incredible soundtrack. Now Wise (who was talent spotted by Rare creators Chris and Tim Stamper. He played them a few of his songs on a keyboard in the store he was working in and was hired!) would later grace the sequels DKC 2 and 3 with even more exceptional music, turning the trilogy into an unusually dramatic experience.

Putting it mildly, it’s all a nostalgic trip for us this 20th anniversary and we, like the lunatics we are, still listen to the DKC soundtrack to this day. Reminiscing can be fun, and seeing as the game was released on the Wii U recently it’s all been rather groovy! Here’s a slice (like that from a musical cake!) of some of the famed music from duh game.

Nintendo and Rare had a close relationship in the 1990s. The Japanese giant nurtured the mysterious British company, who would pay them back in dividends as they went on to create iconic classics such as Goldeneye, Banjo Kazooie, Perfect Dark, Jet Force Gemini, Killer Instinct, Diddy Kong Racing, and others. The two have since fallen out of love and now spend most of their thyme wistfully remembering when they were inseparable, often seen skipping through daisy fields laughing hysterically. Since then Nintendo continue to create the best games in the world, whilst Rare sit about eating dumplings. Like with Micheal Biehn in the 1980s: what the hell happened?!? At least we have our memories!

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Professional Moron’s Guide To Turning 30.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy!

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, turned 30 today. It is a momentous achievement and it makes him (and us) an expert on life and everything else. Now some of you reading this may not be 30 yet. Others might be. Either way, we now have a sense of moral and intellectual superiority so we’re going to get all pretentious and state the facts of life. This is what we’ve noticed in 30 years:

  1. Mashed potato isn’t as interesting as it was when we were younger.
  2. With each passing year cheese becomes more important.
  3. We have no idea who Kim Kardashian is and why she’s always in the media.
  4. Tea is everything.
  5. There should be more bumble bees.
  6. We have a strong impulse to make jam all the time.
  7. Sandwiches are great.
  8. Cake!
  9. Futurama is better than The Simpsons.
  10. Bloody youths and their bloody Facenovel and bloody Self-bloody-ies and bloody liberal bloody views. It bloody well makes us bloody sick! Back in our bloody day, you bloody well worked a 20 hour bloody shift cleaning urinals, then bloody returned bloody home to feed the bloody kids, get 20 minutes bloody sleep, then head back to bloody work! Bloody kids these bloody days have it bloody easy!

Turning 30 itself isn’t difficult – all you have to do is sit around waiting long enough and it happens. Dodge the odd meteorite and nuclear explosion along the way and you’ll be beaming upon arrival. The real deal is how to mark such an occasion. Are balloons enough? What about bonbons? Bovril? Burt Bacharach? Bins? Anything with a B seems to do the trick, so today we’re celebrating by listening to Burt Bacharach and drinking bonbon, bovril, and broccoli smoothies. Way to party, eh? Happy birthday to you all!

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Journey Into The Mind Of A Hamster.

Keith is spoiling for a fight.

Keith is spoiling for a fight.

“What is happening is his head? Oooh, I wish I knew.” Sang The Who on the seminal Tommy album. Many a thyme have we found ourselves wondering this about Keith the Syrian hamster, who turns 1 at the start of January. Now we consider ourselves to be hamster experts: we’ve owned numerous over the years, and have studied them extensively. A thesis titled “Hamsters: Inside The Brains Of These Fluffy Wee Beasts” was even released by us in 2013, but was widely discredited by the fatuous scientific community. In it we postulated hamsters know the answer to the origins of the universe, but they refuse to tell us humans until we’ve satisfied them with enough free food. Hamsters like food a great deal, you see, and Keith has indicated to us the foundation of existence had something to do with cheese. We need more fresh vegetables to glean this information orf of him.

Spurred on by our discovery we contacted the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) regarding the matter. We presumed they’d be interested to know Keith is quite skilled with nuclear physics, but were accused of wasting their thyme! What a sick world we live in where hamsters are prejudiced against, so today we’ve decided to provide a pictographic history of Keith through the last 10 months. His rise to genius is quite remarkable, although he doesn’t always opine over massive equations.*

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Dumb and Dumber To – Why? WHY!?!?

Why did they do this to us?

Why did they do this to us?

Professional Moron first saw Dumb and Dumber in late 1994. 20 years on the puerile stupidity of the film still has us laughing like idiots. It fell at a time when Jim Carrey’s stardom had sky rocketed thanks to the colossal success of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and The Mask. His incredible year was rounded off by one of the best comedy films ever! Starring alongside him was the brilliant Jeff Daniels, who also had a successful 1994 as he was in Keanu Reeves vehicle Speed. Remember it? A bus which can’t drop below 50mph otherwise the bus driver is arrested and flogged with a whip – high octane stuff! Dumb and Dumber itself is technically a road movie where morons Lloyd and Harry inadvertently get themselves involved in a kidnapping ransom plot. It’s daft, and it’s highly amusing. The poster even referenced Forrest Gump, another smash hit in 1994, starring Tom Hanks, Elvis Presley, and Bono. Shawshank Redemption was also released that year, and The Lion King, AND Pulp Fiction. Why was 1994 such an almighty year in cinema? Anyway, we digress.

19 years on when the sequel was announced everyone was chuffed! “Huzzah!” we shouted at Professional Moron, and hugged many strangers on the bus journey home that merry day. This turned to “Huzzoh…” when we saw the first trailer earlier this year. It looked bad, other teaser scenes were bad, and now the reviews are coming in it’s been confirmed: Dumb and Dumber To is bad. We were going to put the trailer up here for you to see, but it’s so cringeworthy we’ve decided it would debase our beloved blog.

Bad tidings indeed, we can only report all this in a monotonous slur of disappointment. Yeah we haven’t seen the film, but come on: watch the trailer! Observe the 27% “Rotten” rating on Rotten Tomatoes! Read this segment of a review, “Lazy, uninspired, and populated by a cast that looks like they want to be anywhere else, Dumb and Dumber To is the most depressing ‘comedy’ I’ve seen in years.” Damn and blast, today’s post is an ode to a nostalgic mess up. For shame, sir! For shame.

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A Savage Indictment Of “The Wheels On The Bus” Nursery Rhyme.

A bus stop, as seen in England. Get used to staring at these if you don't own a car. To help pass the thyme, sing The Who's Magic Bus (and not The Wheels On The Bus, as this song is pure evil)!

A bus stop, as seen in England. Get used to staring at these if you don’t own a car. To help pass the thyme, sing The Who’s Magic Bus (and not The Wheels On The Bus, as this song is pure evil)!

Today we thought we’d examine this famous nursery rhyme and dissect it in a pointlessly savage manner. You’ve no doubt heard of it – you may even remember singing it as a wee one. We put it to you all, however, this song is hegemonic (and xenophobic) against humble buses. Look at the first verse: “The wheels on the bus go round and round”. Thusly begins one of the most misguided songs in the history of humanity, and it should be banned on an international level.

Kids you can’t blame for singing the song as they’re kids. Most kids have low IQs and are stupid, but adults forcing them to sing this thing should know better! It’s a morally disgraceful assault on the nature of buses! Don’t believe us? Look at some of the other verses, such as, “The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep”. Here it makes out buses either suffer from Tourette’s syndrome or are belligerently profane, which is specious at best. Next up, “The signals on the bus go blink, blink, blink”. What signals? Was the person who wrote this on some drug fuelled hallucinogenic trip and envisioning messages from aliens? Maybe they were put off by the next, factually correct, verse, “The babies on the bus go waa, waa, waa”. Yes, they bloody well do! In the North West of England many Northern parents deal with this noise with a simple, “SHURRUP CALLUM!” and a deft smack to the head. Good parenting, you see? Does it work? No, the kid shrieks louder, at which point the parent sometimes begins to swear at the child, thusly becoming analogous to the aforementioned bus profanity misrepresentation from the rhyme. Except this time not misrepresented, and we’re not even sure that makes sense!

The rhyme goes on to state, “The wipers on the bus go swish, swish, swish,” and, “The motor on the bus goes zoom, zoom, zoom.” Not only does this suggest the bus driver is operating the windscreen wipers at inappropriate times, it hints he/she is speeding like a malodorous hooligan. We have to state the following: The Wheels On The Bus does not accurately depict public transport (other than the babies crying bit – that’s spot on) in England and, we presume, anywhere. Join us, Professional Moron acolytes, in rebuking this travesty of justice! Sing The Who’s Magic Bus instead. Innit.

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10 Celebrity Surnames Changed To Look Stupid!

The Rolling Stones' Keith Richards, also known as Keith Ripchart!!!

The Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards, also known as Keith Ripcharts!!!

It’s Friday night, we’re in a stupid mood, and thusly our usual morose philosophical musings have been stuffed to one side. Yes, we’re looking at celebrity surnames today and making them daft. Why? As we’re immature! So without further ado, we proffer to you some rampant silliness!

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Exclusive New Drink: Coughy – Cough Syrup Coffee!

Got a cough? Want some coffee at the same thyme? Coughy is for you!

Got a cough? Want some coffee at the same thyme? Coughy is for you!

The best thing about getting a cough as a kid was getting to drink cough syrup (NB: If there are any kids reading this, DO NOT drink any cough syrup unless your doctor tells you to). It was like drinking tasty syrup which had a real punch to it and was mega tasty and punchy. It also got rid of your cough (except it probably didn’t), and made you feel like a grown up. Now we are all grown ups most of us want to be kids again, so our latest invention is designed to bring back some youthful verve. You can do this whilst remaining uber cool and chic – all of it courtesy of Coughy! If you’ve been to one of those stupidly trendy coffee shops (like Starbucks, Peter Manger, Bob’s Coffee Shop, and IKEA) you’ll be aware they sell all manner of high caffeine content beverages. Coughy is the strongest of the lot! A fabulous mix of the finest cough syrup in the world, and the strongest, freshest coffee beans in the history of humanity. It’s a potent mix and one designed to put hair on your eyebrows, heal your whooping seal bark, and provide you with the caffeine fix you so crave you poor coffee addicted freak of nature, you!

The drink itself is probably illegal on numerous grounds, but it will be provided by coffee shops if you turn up with a relevant prescription. That be right – to try our coffee you’re going to need to get yourself a whooping cough, book an appointment with your doctor, get a prescription, take the prescription to a participating coffee shop, and order the Coughy. Will it be worth it? Well if you can imagine the taste of strong black coffee mixed with cough syrup, then you’re probably already half insane. Enjoy!

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