The Musings of a Professional Moron

This “ride” at Wonderland in Canada is called the Lazy River. Apt, eh? However, we bet if someone dropped a GREAT WHITE SHARK into the Lazy River things wouldn’t be quite so lazy!

If, like us here at Professional Moron, you’re insanely lazy, then it would be wise to have some sort of implement around to give you a borderline psychotically violent jolt back to reality. This is important as laziness is one of the worst afflictions to grace humanity since indifference. Indeed, at least with indifference you know where you stand. With lazy people… well, you know they can just do so much better! This is why Mr. Wapojif got deep down and funky and decided to INVENT a device which tells the holder how lazy someone is being. All one must do is point the product at a person of choice and hold down the “LAZY” button. Thusly, the Lazy O’Meter will feedback information on a person’s current mood. Expect results such as; “Subject is working to within 50% of their abilities”, “Subject isn’t working, they are perusing over Facebook”, “Subject is planning how to pick their nose without being spotted – work rating at 70%”, and “Subject is hungover and can’t be bothered doing anything. Indeed, subject believes it is a miraculous endeavour that they simply made it to work.” So, as you can see, it’s a great tool to keep your scumbag employees in order. But, wait, there’s more! Onwards to the next paragraph, comrade!

The Lazy O’Meter is made out of the finest plastic, semtex, and electronic wizardry bits money can buy (it will cost you roughly £1,000), and it will be able to tell you just how lazy others are being, with laziness ratings including; Lazy, Rather Lazy, Very Lazy, Extremely Lazy, Supremely Lazy, Prone, Indolently Off Beat, Laid Back, Too Laid Back, Sluggishly Languid, Lethargic, Morosely Slothful, Idle, Eric Idle, and Not Lazy. Anything below the “Not Lazy” barometer would be open to the Lazy O’Meter’s secret weapon – a condensed version of an electric cattle prod. Suitably charged, this thing extends out of the machine and, with a violent jab, you can thrust it into the lazy person to rouse them from their lack of effort. The downside to this thing is it has a habit of making some people wail uncontrollably (the electronic shock is, admittedly, shockingly excessive), and others have been known to foul themselves. “This is but putrid effervescence in the glorious winter of our discontent!”, as the advertising on the side of the product’s box will generously explain. So, as always, we expect your support (and accept it). Go forth and purchase, wretched maniacs!