Agony Aunt: “HELP! Why does my husband call me ‘baby doll’?!”

A Barbie Doll smiling
“Y’oreet?”

We covered annoying relationship pet names recently. But what about the ones you’re supposed to use? Such as “snuggums”? Or “DIE, YOU BASTARD! AHAHAHAAAAA!”

Well, sometimes human females wonder why human males think human females like certain weird names. Such as right now.

Baby Doll

Heya. Well, my husband is getting on me nerves. He keeps calling me by one of them names. Pet names! No, not Fido, I'd prefer that over this bastard he's chosen for me.

He goes, "Baby doll, me baby doll, were you reet fetler by 'eck, me now?" He's from Yorkshire. I'm from Yorkshire. I tell him he needs to sort his act out. 

But it goes on. He introduces me to his family. "Hi, here's baby doll!" And they're all calling me "baby doll"! My name is BARBARA! It's not difficult!

Urgh! Anyway, long story short, it were our wedding and we're up there after spending £50,000 on the ceremony and he went, "Will you take me, baby doll, to be my baby doll?" 

The footage is on YouTube, if you have to watch it, but I guess it's not uncommon to see a wife strangulating her husband. All the same, I said "yes". It just came out among my attempts to disembowel him. 

Anyway, marriage went ahead. We now have seven kids. They all call me "baby doll"... five year since our first date, I didn't see it like this, eh.

I pictured it when I were younger. Me, Brad Pitt, on a beach. Brad Pitt with his top off. Then he goes, "Hey, babe!" 

But "baby doll"?! WTF!? Ta, Barbs

Hi, Barbara. We understand your concerns. We understand you’re, you know, a bit on the dumb side of things. And that’ll affect your judgement. That’s affect with an “a”, FYI.

Anyway, by the sounds of it you’re confused as your husband has affectation (with an “a”) towards you. What’s that about, in this day and age?

Let’s take it back to the swinging sixties, you daft bint!

Baby

The pet name “babe” originated from The Supremes (nothing to do with our Supremes Court idea) hit single.

In later years, Babe became a popular film in 1995. Further popularing the saying as a term towards pigs (i.e. men, women, or police officers).

Our suggestion for you is to understand “baby doll” is probably an infectious… hang on, possible misspelling. Infractious? Yeah, that’s probably it.

An infractious versification your husband is using to try and flirt/cohere/and/or assuage you.

Our suggestion is you invent a pet name for him. You know. Like, “tosser!” Whatever you want. This is freeform pet naming. A few more ideas:

  • Smelly git.
  • Moron.
  • Cretin.
  • Ingrained dunce.
  • Yeah, whatever.

Follow the above. The best thing about marriage is you get to ignore the subtleties of dating procedures.

That’s in favour of just yelling abuse from one side of the room to the other.

For that is, ultimately, why we are human. And why we are on this Earth.

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