Spurious Sunday: Sensational False Facts

Ahh, history. Without history we’d still be in pre-history, and facts would be called “cats” and we’d all still be worshipping invisible deities! How mad that would be!

We live in a scientific world where facts walk hand in hand with evidence and skip merrily across the garden of Reality. So, it’s fun to abandon this every now and then and make a load of guff up. Innit. So Professional Moron have waltzed into the very depths of the Bargain Bin to unearth the very best false facts you’ll come across on a Sunday EVER:

*Hollywood movie star/politician/former Mr.Universe/former Mrs. Universe/shed builder Arnold Schwarzenegger was almost called “Deirdre” by his parents. Had Deirdre Schwarzenegger taken the weight lifting world by storm, rather than the Arnold variety, then we’d bet The Terminator wouldn’t have been quite as scary, eh?

*Cake was invented by Arnold Schwarzenegger’s great, great, great, etc. grandparents in the 13th century. Deirdre Schwarzenegger first tried using mud and sticks of dynamite, but was jailed following the subsequent blood bath. Her husband, Ralf, took up the project and was also jailed after he fired a Mega Cake out of a cannon at King Richard III, who was so miffed he had Ralf blasted from a cannon into the Thames river, where he was dragged out to see by a walrus.

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*Rihanna is a talented musician who makes interesting, unique music. She is also famous for her horrific smoker’s breath and many fans often flee from her concerts with whooping cough syndrome. Oh, maaan!

*The Earth isn’t actually round(ish), it’s a square shape. Humans have round eyes so, therefore, what we (as humans) see is spherical in shape. Thusly the Earth isn’t really round. How do we know it’s a square? Well Mr. Wapojif’s eyeballs are square shaped, that’s why!

*King Henry VIII was prescient and he knew Arnold Schwarzenegger would one day roam the Earth. As such, he named his first son Big Arnie and made him trot about court with a shotgun whilst quipping “Pasta le visa, day be!” and other Arnie phrases. Naturally, Henry’s inferiors knew he was a wise man of staggering genius and allowed him to get chronically obese in his later years, presuming the King was attempting some sort of eternal life generator within his gargantuan belly.

*Lastly, as we’re too knackered to write any more nonsense, we bring you a real fact (except it isn’t, it’s fake – possibly). During World War II, combine harvesters were used as ice cream vans in local communities as the actual ice cream vans were in the thick of the action blowing the crap out of everybody. Unfortunately the combine harvesters had the knack of serving lots of hay with the ice cream, and rationing meant the “cream” element was non-existent. Indeed, so was the “ice”, and all poor kids got was hay. Ho hum!

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