A Brief History of the Sock

Socks from ancient times, when humans had weird feet.
Socks from ancient times, when humans had weird feet.

We did a stupid piece on socks last year, now we’re back to tell the truth for a change as we wow you all this merry Friday. It’s the end of the week – why wouldn’t you want to know a little more about those woolly appendages you strap around your tootsies? NOW! If you turn your eyeballs to stare at the image on the right, you will be able to observe an ancient sock. Excavated from the river Nile in Egypt (it’s near-ish to Norway) they were carbohydrated to circa 500 AD. As you can behold, back in olden days humans only had two big toes. Not only this, they were bloody massive.

Since those days of unimaginative sock making barbarism, the world has moved on. Over the ages the knitting machine (invented in 1589 by Mr. and Mrs. Knittingmachine) boosted sock production not one times over. Nor two times. No, SIX effing times! Apparently, after the first day of production, numerous sock factories burst at the seams, and a tidal wave of freshly made socks flooded the streets of many cities across the world (known to history as The Great Sock Carnage of 1589 – Google it). In contemporary times, the big revolution in sock manufacturing came in 1938 when nylon was introduced. Nylon, as we all know, grows in the river Nile, thusly allowing history to complete some perverted cyclical sock history from 500 AD up to the now. Startling, eh? Quite what the future holds for socks we don’t know. Maybe one day they’ll be made out of cheese, thusly allowing a generation of men to blame their stupid man feet on the ridiculous choice of material. We can only dream.

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