It was revealed this week babbling lunatic director Quentin Tarantino had many, many different ideas for the cast of cinema classic Pulp Fiction. Indeed, the leaked documents (which were, ironically, leaking) showcase a film which would have been so different it would have stunned the aliens in space who are currently watching it (for free, the blaggards) courtesy of electromagnetic radiation.
Whilst many have scoffed at Tarantino’s initial choices, the benefit of hindsight makes geniuses of us all. Indeed, we can postulate over e=mc2 and claim it would make a great deal more sense if it was ecoli=McDonald’s, but then the fast food giants would argue against that. Wotevs.
Anyway, if you think the list was weird wait until you see our alternate Pulp Fiction cast! Better yet, this is the list for a proposed 3D remake we’re forwarding to Hollywood executives right now as we type. Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie.
Butch Coolidge – Sir Ian McKellen
Bruce Willis was about as butch as anyone called Butch could be in this role. A boxer of considerable butchery, Butch laid down his butch nature with a shaved head, mighty man muscles, and a no-nonsense butchness. For the remake, we reckon 76 year old acting stalwart Sir Ian McKellen would be perfect. Gandalf style: “Zed’s dead, baby. Zed’s dead.”
Fabienne – Germaine Greer
Fabienne plays a kind of feeble, mindless, annoying creature in Pulp Fiction who, like all women, has the memory of a sieve. Indeed, like all women she also goes and forgets her man’s watch! Jeez, you just can’t get the service these days.
We jest, of course, should any feminists be reading this. We’re with you all the way. This is why Germaine Greer would be perfect for the reboot in order to put stroppy Butch in his place: “You don’t need a watch, ascertain the three spatial dimensions through your faculties, fool!”
Marsellus Wallace – Chris Rock
Man Mountain Ving Rhames was in the original. High pitched shriek-fest Chris Rock would be perfect as the new version of brooding mafia madman Marcellus Wallace. Indeed, Rock’s shrill jabbering would induce tinnitus into his opponents for miles around, rendering him a most worthy advisory.
Jules Winnfield – Benedict Cumberbatch
Scary Jules ranted about Big Macs and cheese back in 1994. Benedict Cumberbatch’s take on the gangta is to display a Sherlockesque genius with the voice of Smaug from The Hobbit. Damn, we’d pay to see that!
Vincent Vega – Benedict Cumberbatch
John Travolta became the epitome of ultra laid back drug addict in Pulp Fiction. Our remake stars Benedict Cumberbatch in a duel role, displaying his acting versatility by taking on both of Marsellus Wallace’s badass henchmen. You go, none girl!
Mia Wallace – Christian Bale
Gorgeous wife of mafia maniac Marsellus will this time be played by Christian Bale in drag. The legendary method actor takes on this iconic role with gusto, with a boob job and big old fake wig.
Pumpkin & Honey Bunny – Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Show drag
Played by Tim Roth and the awesome Amanda Plummer in 1994, this time it’s Tim Curry doubling up in both roles. In drag. Damn straight!
Lance – Woody Allen
Laid back (sometimes) Hippy drug seller/addict Lance will be played by Woody Allen, the famed director responsible for movies such as Titanic and novels such as For Whom The Bell Tolls. Known for his awkward acting skills, Allen would be just super as Lance.
Captain Koons, Zed, & Marvin – Arnold Schwarzenegger
Big Arnie’s back from politics and ready to whoop ass! He recently tried his hand at proper serious acting in the film Maggie. Now he’s back to divulge a pivotal speech in the film, related to a young Butch, in his funny accent, whilst doubling up as perverted crooked cop Zed, and the inadvertently hilarious Marvin.
Imagine Arnold announcing lethargically: “Oh, man, I don’t have an opinion. You SOB!”
Jimmie Dimmick – Jennifer Aniston
Panicky moron Jimmie should be played by Jennifer Aniston now that she’s flexing her acting skills in dramas such as Cake. Although Aniston is renowned for playing women (as she is one), we think this role would let her show her stuff!
The Wolf – Emma Stone
Redheaded funball Emma Stone takes over Harvey Keitel’s cool, swarve, and sophisticated “fixer” for the 3D remake. Wide eyed, pretty, and emotive, Stone would add some serious flamboyance to the role of The Wolf, which Mr. Keitel recently reprised in some sellout TV adverts. Buffoon!