Great TV Shows That Never Were: Orange is the New Quack

A duck
“Orange”.

Orange is the New Black is/was (we can’t remember if the show is still running) a Netflix show about prison, women, and women in prison. We’ve not watched it. What we do think should happen, though, is a spin-off series called Orange is the New Quack should be introduced and it’ll be about ducks and the species’ mission to have “quack” removed from casual onomatopoeia in order to replace it with the word “orange”.

Ducks are pretty enigmatic, so there’s no reasoning behind this vocabulary shift. As humans, who are we to argue about what ducks can, and cannot, say? Thusly, the show will descend into a courtroom drama about ducks fighting for their right to (no, not party) have a shift in lexicon which doesn’t make any logical sense whatsoever. It’d win at least 12 Oscars!

Orange is the New Quack

Quack quack? No never! Applying to the Supreme Court for Ducks (SCD), the ducks of the world unite and hire lawyer Arnold Schwarzenegger to assist them on their noble quest. Schwarzenegger’s character, Dave, is a downtrodden, world-weary lawyer who’d rather be an action movie star and he sees his chance to, finally, do something heroic when the ducks (several thousand of them) come knocking on his office door.

Over the next 2 seasons, the ducks then battle it out in a courtroom drama to have “quack” banished from the dictionary. Over 40 episodes, you’ll grow to love the ducks and their flappy antics – you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll probably want to get a pet duck, and you’ll realise how oppressive onomatopoeia can be for some animals.

Sadly, due to dismal viewing figures and an overblown budget (largely to cover Schwarzenegger’s salary of $10 million an episode, as well as hiring and training 1,000 ducks for the show) it’d be cancelled by the end of the second series on a cliffhanger – the court offering the ducks a compromise. No quack replacement with orange, but the change will occur if they accept “pomegranate” instead. Will the ducks sell out!?

Award-Losing Episodes

A show is only as good as its episodes, but with only 40 to choose from Orange is the New Quack doesn’t have a stellar track record, but there were a few gems amongst the rest. These were the gems you’ll never get to watch!

  • Water Off a Duck’s Back: The ducks aren’t ruffled by a far right mob protesting in major city centres across the world with placards reading “Ducks Not Trucks” (that’s the best wordplay they could come up with, poor ridiculous righties). In response, the ducks fly above the protesters and defecate on them all day long. Indeed.
  • #Ducktastic: In an attempt to promote more positive duck PR, the duck’s lawyer Arnold Schwarzenegger invents the Twitter campaign #Ducktastic to drum up support for the ducks. Unfortunately, a lot of people being stupid or possessing an attention deficit disorder, responses to the campaign largely consist of #Fucktastic due to the positioning of “f” next to “d” on QWERTY keyboards and devices. Schwarzenegger issues an apology, but it is too drake (late).
  • Duck Today, Duck Tomorrow: The ducks discuss duckind in heated arguments involving flapping wings and plenty of oranges. Ultimately, it’s decided Donald Duck isn’t a duck at all and is, indeed, a goose. Daffy Duck is also dismissed as a charlatan and disowned by the duck community. Margarine is also accused of being stupid.
  • Dave’s Date: Dave (Schwarzenegger) gets his first date in years with local cake shop waitress Doreen (Mariah Carey in a return to acting). He turns to the ducks for dating advice and arrives to collect Doreen with a loaf of sliced bread, which he proceeds to throw at Doreen. Much to her confusion, Dave then begins imitating and duck walk – Doreen, believing Dave to be insane, slams her apartment door in his face.
  • Dave’s Second Date: Giving up on human relationships, Dave strikes up a relationship with Debby the duck and the two began an illicit affair. Unfortunately, after several weeks of duck-based romance, Dave catches Debby sleeping behind his back. Distraught, Dave goes on a drinking bender which ends with him getting a tattoo on his forehead bearing the legend: “I’ll be quack”. The ducks fire him the next day.

7 comments

  1. I was quite nervous at first, being a veggie and all. I thought for sure one of the episodes would lead to Dave noshing Duck a l’orange, and spilling the orange sauce on his clothes. The Ducks would recognize the sauce & of course one of the ducks has gone missing. The ducks would then fire him, but you found a much better way to ditch Dave.
    I’ll be quack! LOLOLOL!

    Liked by 1 person

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