James Bond. Bond James. James Bond in bondage… oops, sorry we weren’t fantasising about anything there. We always thought Bond James was a bit of a slimeball really, although Scottish actor Sir Sean Connery certainly did a great Scottish accent when he starred as Mr. James in the 1960s.

Goldfinger is one of the more famous Bond films around and it features James Bond doing all the Bond stuff. He even lands a classic line about someone called Martin, who has to be shaken (not stirred) to kill him off.

We’re guessing the guy was a bit fragile, but since it was successful Bond then went on to have his drinks in the same manner. Was he a sadist? Hmmm… let’s have a look at some of the lines Connery messed up to find out.

A martini. Shaken, not stirred

The original. A very clear and decisive order. If you stir it, you see, the liquid stagnates and you can then suffer salmonella, so it’s a good idea to shake any drink you have to avoid such a horrific fate.

A martini. Shaken, not slurred

Damn straight, don’t want a slurring barman doing up your martini. He’d get slobber in it and everything.

A martini. Shaken, knot stirred

Okay, so that’s novel. A martini that’s shaken and served tied in a knot… is this even physically possible, Bond, you jackass?

A martini. Forsaken, not by curse word

Yes, if you want to forsake something properly you really need to abstain from the old profanity, eh? We’re sure Bond would be professional enough for that.

Linguini. Boiled, not with curd

A stylish man to the last, Bond skips on the curd to have neat up linguini. You’ve got to be a proper macho, hairy, smelly man to pull that off with some panache.

A Martin. Brazen, not a nerd

We’re sure it wouldn’t be too difficult to find a Martin who is more extroverted. Why does Bond want such a Martin? Well… we guess he’s “gone gay” for a bit. Fair play to him.

A bikini. Misshapen, not for a bird

Embracing his feminine side, Connery must have liked to prance about flaunting his curves in a manly bikini. As this line proves, it’s a factual fact.

A treaty. Ronald Reagan’s, not the federal reserve board

Quite right, too, if anyone’s treaty is going to be listened to, it’s Reagan’s. Best Prime Minister ever, right Bond?

A panini. Baked, not seared

Yeah, you don’t ever sear a panini. It’s just not the right thing to do, as any panini aficionado will confirm.

Greasy. Slimy, not sleazy

James Bond describing himself pretty accurately there, we think.

A weenie. Misshapen, not shrivelled

Bond really is going all out to try new things now, we see.

A martini. Shaken, not purred

Damn straight, you don’t get cats involved with alcoholic products. That would end very badly.

A martini. Jamaican, not Slovakian

A Jamaican martini? We thought the country was more of a malibu drinking type of place. You know… rum. It’s out in the ocean, you’re only allowed rum if you live on an island. It’s the pirate law.

A martini. Shaven, not stirred

One too many concussions, Bond? You can’t shave a liquid. It’ll just, like, splash about a bit and, typically, doesn’t have hair follicles. Stupid man.

An alcoholic beverage. Serve it in a glass.

A bit less fussy this one. All that fussing about shaking things, stirring them, and being concerned one will occur over the other… there are bigger problems in the world, Connery.

And finally…

A martini.

Really, Bond, did you need anything else? Who gives a damn if it’s shaken, stirred, thrown about the place, or gently caressed? Just order “a martini” and it’ll do the same thing for you. Have an olive with it, too, if you must.