Whilst the Professional Moron staff doesn’t own any boulders, it’s evident plenty of other folks do. How do we know? As there’s a famous saying. It goes: “That’s a weight off my boulders!” The exclamation mark at the end (that’s the “!” bit – the vertical line with the full stop underneath it) indicates relief and/or potential vexation. It depends on how much you like your boulders, really.
Boulders have been around for a long time. They’re made of stone and generally sit about the place looking immovable. People like to own boulders for various reasons. Many men think it makes them look powerful and well-endowed, whereas many women think they’re as pretty as flowers and like to adorn them on kitchen tables and windowsills (where the boulder causes considerable amounts of damage). But why the saying?
A weight off my boulders
Well, there are many etymological, socialogical, economical, and hierarchical considerations to consider when postulating over any given saying. For example, not everyone can afford a boulder. Also, does the saying “between a rock and a hard place” undermine “a weight off my boulders”? Is the latter saying offensive to anyone, such as working class scumbags or pregnant women (who may believe the boulder negatively insinuates the pregnancy “bulge”)?
Boulders have highly specific specifications. As a rock fragment, it must be greater than 25.6 centimetres (not miles) in diameter. Anything smaller is a cobble or a pebble. Thusly, some boulders are somewhat contradictory – they’re effing tiny! Whereas others, like pregnant women, are belligerent and enormous.
The saying, we believe, is supposed to be deliberately difficult – boulders are heavy. Enormously so. If a boulder landed on you, for instance, bone-crunching agony would be the probable outcome. Thusly, saying “that’s a weight off my boulders” is an indication of a subversive impossibility, as taking weight off boulders would make them light. Which boulders are not. It’s almost clever, if you think about it long and hard.
Ultimately, the saying is irrelevant unless you have some boulders. In some areas of the world, such as in Chorley, Greater Manchester, it’s illegal to use the saying unless you have some boulders. So, in order to use it, you must either buy some boulders or create some of your own.
The latter is preferable if you’re good at DIY – just find your nearest cliff and start chipping away with a hammer and chisel. It’ll take a good decade or so, but just keep in mind you’ll get to say, quite aptly, “Whew! That’s a weight off my boulders!” upon completion of your boulders project.
Between a rock and a hard place
This all begs the questions – why isn’t the above saying: “Between a boulder and a hard place”? Also, what is a “hard place”? It all sounds a bit disgusting and perverted if you ask us, but perhaps we’re getting a bit hyperbolic as the world of boulders and rocks isn’t one of perversion, they merely provide cold, bleak, remorseless, nihilistic, and stony realisations about life.
Unless, of course, you factor in the Rolling Stones. Aged a combined total of 659 years, these rockers have been showing the world of rock what rocks are all about, often by being stoned, but also by rolling stones during their live sets (anarchically, against the many health and safety regulations of various nations across the world). The conclusion? We’ve no idea, we’re as confused as Hell about all of this.