Righto, Mr. Robbie Yates nominated us for this thing and, you know what, we decided to go ahead and answer his right there questions, we did. Mr. Robbie Yates won the award as well due to his sterling contributions in the field of potato farming (we think… it might have been something else), whilst we won it for our staggering commitment to growing our eyebrows.

Sunshine Blogger Award

Three (as opposed to four) questions were posed. We’ve aimed to answer them with the utmost sincerity and veracity. Please do not be offended if you’re offended by any of the following statements.

1. Favourite sandwich filling?

Probably houmous with avocado and something such as crisp iceberg lettuce leaves. Hell yeah. But maybe throw a veggie burger in the middle of that SOB and you’ve got yourself a damn fine thing. Also, rye bread. No white bread in these parts, you hear?

2. What came first, the chicken or the egg?

It depends on the quality of the service a restaurant offers. If they’re delivering a chicken when someone has ordered some eggs, then that qualifies as poor service. The same goes for the vice versa scenario. Ultimately, the starter should come first and, in this case, we’d order some sort of vegetarian dish such as a light salad. Perhaps with some more houmous.

This, however, opens up the question of whether the chickpea or the houmous pot came first. In this instance, it’s a reductionistic enterprise as houmous cannot exist unless the chickpea has been mashed, thereby confirming the chickpea is the omnipotent creator of the Universe.

3. What’s an embarrassing thing you did when you thought nobody was looking?

Various things, really, we’d better compile a full list and then, systematically, define which one can be construed as the most embarrassing based on qualitative and quantitative ideation (the following all related to our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif). NB: It’s unclear if Mr. Wapojif was aware anyone was looking or not, he’s self-absorbed in this way.

• Gargling tomato soup at his desk at work, choking, turning as red as a tomato (aptly), and requiring emergency CPR, mouth-to-mouth, and a call to 999 for emergency defibrillation
• Gargling chlorine to impress a date, but turning purple and puking everywhere instead, then being stomach pumped before the aforementioned date in scenes she described “as revolting as his revolting personality!” – burn!
• Confusing a petrol station for a pet station (“IT’S A THING!”, apparently) and demanding a pet mongoose from the bewildered shop assistant behind the till
• Taking up the drums after confusing them for the violin and becoming angry when unable to recreate the high-pitched strains a violin doth make
• Leaving for work one morning totally naked in the mistaken belief he’d dressed the night before “to save time”

Based on circumstantial evidence, plus the levels of outrage gauged from the respective incidents, we believe the date to have been the most embarrassing. Mr. Wapojif explains: “I was unaware my date was watching when I gargled chlorine. I believed it would make my breath smell minty fresh, not tear the flesh from within the walls of my mouth.” Yes, don’t try that one at home.