The Lord of the Rings trilogy, eh? What with Gandalf and Frodo and all that jazz, there were all manner of memorable lines from The Fellowship of the Ring.

But we’ve decided to focus on, “You shall not pass!”

Good line, eh? Made timeless thanks to the delivery of the legend that is Sir Ian McKellen. So much so we’ve decided to do a bit of wordplay fun with the line to see what it could have been. Indeed.

You shall not pass!

Here’s the original in all its glory. Epic stuff, eh? Very believable. When Gandalf says something like that, you know you’re not going to pass. Well done, sir.

You shall not piss!

Let’s just get this one out of the way nice, bright, shiny, and early. Immature? Yes. Worthwhile as an inclusion? Yes.

You shall not pass out!

Always good advice in general, thanks Gandalf.

You shall not cut the grass!

Lord of the Rings does have a general lack of lawn mowing etiquette. The series would be greatly improves had J. R. Tolkien bothered just providing a brief outline on it (such as with this most pertinent of lines).

You shall not sass!

No sass allowed in the world of Lord of the Rings. Sad. This makes us sad and it’s Gandalf who’s cancelled it, the goddamn WOKE MOB big bearded wizard git.

You shall not skip class!

This’d be an excellent school motivational campaign, Gandalf bellowing this at the delinquents skipping lessons. Get in there and learn, kiddo!

You shall not use nerve gas!

Quite right! We’re entirely against the use of nerve gas, too.

You shall not use stained glass!

What’s Gandalf’s problem with stained glass? We think it looks great! And we’re pretty sure we’ve seen its use across the films anyway, so Gandalf needs to get with the times.

You shall not attend mass!

Typical bloody atheist agenda! Gandalf—if people want to attend mass, they shall. You have no right to stop them, big beards do not mean you are an authority on the topic.

You shall not pass gas!

Another immature one but, hey, we’re allowed to do this from time to time.

You shall Passa Calle!

No real need to include this one, other than to randomly promote our previous post on the use of Boccherini’s Passa Calle here and there. Listen and enjoy. NOW!

You canal not pass!

We just wanted to get “canal” in there as we rarely use that word on the site.

You shall not eat sea bass!

Ridiculous advice! Sea bass is packed with protein and healthy omega 3 oils, vital for all manner of general health needs. Ignore Gandalf! He’s probably just a JEALOUS vegan.

You shall not be a jackass!

This is just excellent life advice for all of us.

You shall trot past!

The trotting game is in order here. Due to the sheer number of horses involved in the Lord of the Rings films. So, this one is apt… if someone is to be allowed past, that is.

You shall not be middle-class!

Hmmmm… okay, it’s either proletarianism or toffdom in the world of Gandalf. Strange choice, but we guess he’s entitled to his opinion.

And finally…

You shall not floss!

If you want your teeth to rot from your face then, sure, listen to Gandalf. Otherwise