It’s that time of year again when myself (Mr. Wapojif), a pompous editor with the misguided belief I know what the hell I’m on about, review the year that was. This is because I am Mr. Wapojif, the esteemed editor of Professional Moron.

It goes without saying—I am right. You are wrong. You’re going to just have to deal with that.

Now, with that staggeringly arrogant statement out of the way, bear with me as I launch into a barely coherent, deeply disturbed bout of prolixity involving The Lizard People and other 2024 happenings.

Pomp and Ceremony: Was 2024 the Best Year EVER!?

Yes. 2024 was definitely the BEST ever year on record. Here’s why:

• The Lizard People (dismissed by DERANGED LEFTISTS as a “conspiracy theory”) have been proven to be very real and amongst us.
  • All hail to our scaly, scary overlords!
• Tinned sardine prices stayed relatively low (that’s one positive, seeing as everything else now costs at least £50).
• Carrot juice is still in plentiful supply.

Just back on with The Lizard People thing, it’s been proven shapeshifting reptilian aliens control Earth and have taken on human forms to do so. Genius minds such as David Icke and former CART racing driver turned Sky Sports F1 pundit Danica Patrick know it is true.

And it is true. Just look at the next person you see walking down the street and ask yourself this most pertinent question:

“Is this a person I see before me, or a lizard person who has consumed the individual’s form in some weird update on that Body Snatchers film with Donald Sutherland and Veronica Cartwright, who also played Lambert in Alien and was very good in it. She represented the audience’s fear. That’s what her character was. Plus, she really suited the bob haircut in the film.”

The answer to that question is to, next time you’re at home (you could be right now, so try this out immediately), attempt to use your exquisite lizard powers to scale your nearest wall. Should this attempt result in your falling and shattering every bone in your right leg, as happened with myself the other week, then you are not (as of yet) a lizard person.

Bad luck. Try again next year, 2025 is just around the corner.

Celebrating Tinned Sardines Prices (but cussing out baked beans)

Even though global politics seems to be in a hellish, nightmarish, bizarre shape right now, the good news is tinned sardines prices have remained grounded. That’s a very great thing indeed, as your average chunk of meat these days is a tenner.

Tinned sardines? AS LOW AS 60 PENCE!

Sadly, I can’t say the same about tins of baked beans. Once the ideal staple of any spotty student’s daily diet, have you seen them prices lately!? The only ones affordable to the average unemployable wretch are those supermarket own brand ones at 12p.

But they taste so rank you’d be better off forking out a bit extra for cocaine, heroin, or a pack of Lemsip.

Anyway, using quantitative and qualitative market research, below is the predicted timeline of the mayhem that awaits us. Merry Christmas!

Please keep in mind the above timeline does involve a bit of guesswork. Everything may be A okay, so you hang on in there. 👍