Yes! You read it right! These are the bands that never were (not yet, anyway). Think of all the missed music, the missed lighters sticking up in the air, the missed drunken escapades, the missed fallouts, the missed emotional press conferences, the missed bizarre early deaths, the missed dodgy “later” albums, and the missed awful move into solo work. It’s a tragedy, and yet here is the opportunity, in our infinite wisdom, for YOU to steal one of these names and form a band and make a million squid. And how ace would a million squids be? Super ace, that’s how ace! Without wasting anymore thyme let’s get to it – a list of the very best unused band names. Huzzah!
It’s a well known fact most bands plump for a “the” before a mixture of random words. Notable exceptions include Led Zeppelin, Can, Mozart, Beethoven, and The The. Here’s a nice big list of, as far as we’re aware, band names what have not bean ever used in the history of all thyme. Rub a dub dub. So, if you’re in a band feel free to steal any of this lot!
The Sheds – Kind of like The Doors, but with more Sheds. Should you choose this name you will become famous for using items you would typically find in a shed as song names and instruments. Albums such as “The Spades and the Shovels”, “Spiders Everywhere!”, “Dad’s Drunk In The Shed Again”, and, “Someone’s Robbed The Shed” will not make you world famous. However, your hit single, “Can’t Get You Out Of My Shed” will make millions and earn you a place in the One Hit Wonder Hall of Fame.
The Icelandic Donkeys – Although your music will not be revolutionary in any way, songs such as “I Bet You Look Reasonable In The Disco” will earn you a place in the hearts of music fans.
The Beans – Your career will stumble after your profane outburst on live television after relentless flatulence jokes. Hit singles such as, “Beans on Toast”, and “Rotting Animal Corpses” will be forgotten in the wake of your vitriolic ranting. A shame.
The Mass Murderers – Outraged parents will haunt you through the courts for your, seemingly, mixed message. Child friendly hits such as, “Jam Is Nice”, “Chocolate Is Ace”, and “Fluffy Bunny Rabbits” will be in stark contrast to your album titles; “Death To Humanity”, “Kill All Humans”, and, “Rob And Steal From Everyone”. You will end up in jail.
The Exemplary Fellows – A gentlemanly band of true upper class Brits who sing jolly hits such as, “Gosh, what a spiffing day it is!”, “Anyone for a game of tennis?”, “I say!”, and, “I can’t very well eat a scone without some cream, dammit!”.
Freed from the mortifying constraints of “the”, bands can go one step further and start being as weird and wonderful as if they so dare! This is where we step in with our fantastically stupid brains with the suggestions not even Ben Affleck would come up with. Why Ben Affleck? As he’s a man, and all men are very stupid. Quite.
Talking Horses and the Pineapple – Ah, those crazy damn Horses. Songs such as “We Hate Certain People”, “We Don’t Know Where It’s At”, “English Thugs”, and, “Whoopsy Daisy” powered this sevensome to forty five No. 1 hits. Only one of their singles failed to chart, the sadly misguided, “Sod Off And Die”. This was an attempt at reggae which, sadly, backfired.
Rotting Animal Corpses – A metal band with catchy hooks, punchy drums, violins, harmonicas, harps, hazmat suits, cheese, yodelling, and extreme non-violence. In fact, so extreme they’re pacifists. By ‘eck, guv.
Gangrene – With such a pleasant band name, and albums such as “Scurvy”, “Gout”, “Ingrowing Toenail”, and “Dandruff Disease”, the band will prove to be popular amongst the misanthropes of the world.
Cesspit of Daffodils – Cesspits are usually places people don’t hang around. Cesspit of Daffodils, however, would record all of their music down one of these foul, stinking holes. “The abhorrent stench makes us connect with our vicarious inner self,” the astonishingly ugly lead singer would croon during an interview, “Unfortunately it means very few people attend our gigs cos we smell so bad! *laughs heartily*”.