We’ve had enough of politics now, so we’ve decided to have a look at an upcoming event. Now Professional Moron have never really “done” the whole Halloween thing. Call us jaded and miserable if you must, but it’s not really much of a British tradition like it evidently is in America. We write “evidently” as your TV shows always make a big hoohah of it… or maybe the writers just run out of ideas and use it for insipid scare jokes. Like some of the more dreadful Friends episodes (and we do love Friends, don’t get us incorrectable). And, heck, who are we to write? We’ve now plumped to writing about Halloween! But, at least it almost is Halloween, guy! The timing is just oh-so-very-apt, a-thank-you-very-much. Ja. So, without further messing about we present to you the ultimate list of scariness; just what to dress up as on Halloween. These costumes will be enough to make even Beezleblub foul himself in sheer, unadulterated terror! And that’s some imagery, guy.
So, read on, but remember (should you become too scared to move) there’s a “hallo!” in Halloween. Indeed.
Donkeys are the most evil animals on Earth. Fact. What with their manic bray of “Eeeoooor!” and their thunderous appetite for anything and everything. That scene in Jurassic Park where Muldoon drops his “Clever girl” girl line before being shredded by a velociraptor… well donkeys indirectly evolved from them. Yes, those evil brutes morphed into the modern day donkey. Amazing, isn’t it? Unless, of course, you don’t believe in evolution. But that, frankly, is more frightening than anything on this list!
Cheese is, generally, great. Mouldy cheese, however, isn’t so good. In fact it’s bad. Is it scary? Not really. If you have a phobia of cheese, though, (which is called Turophobia) then you’re going to be absolutely petrified of the stuff! So, don a massive ruddy great big cheese costume and, sooner or later, you’ll probably bump into someone with this unfortunate condition. Bring some earplugs for this moment as it’s likely to get very loud.
Meat That Has Past (and not passed) Its Sell By Date
It’s one of the most terrifying moments of your life. You go to your fridge and there’s the chicken/fish/pork/giraffe you’ve left sitting there a few days too many. Is it still fresh, or will eating it consign you to several days in the toilet? There’s no moment more scary in your adult life – so why not dress up as a human sized “off” piece of rump steak, or a foul, reeking rotten fish? Sounds look a great idea to us!
A toenail clipping
Toenails are ghastly things, especially when they’ve been clipped. Heck, even Brad Pitt will have to fire his beauties off his smelly man feet. We’re sure Angelina Jolie stands there, an expression of disgust on her face, whilst he works those nail clippers. Hot stuff, Brad. So, to truly disgust everyone, why not dress up as a giant toenail clipping? Or you could collect as many giant clipped toenails as possible and glue them onto yourself. Lovely? No. Terrifying? Yes!
Following the success of the excellent television series plenty of folk have been suggesting dressing up as drug maniac Walter White. It’s not the most original idea and you can bet there will be a number of clashes at some parties as a dozen or so Walts turn up. It would be much better to dress up as Gus Fring, or to just turn up in a Hazmat suit. Turning up as Hector with a pinging wheelchair would also be interesting, although you would be rendered mute for the entire party. Bummer.