“There can be no true beauty without decay!” Uncle Monty once chirruped to the watching world in Withnail and I, and, by heck, he was right.

He was influenced by a certain Charles Baudelaire. Rightly so, for you see, take a look at this picture so cheerfully titled “Grotesque Profile”.

There’s no dilly dallying there, eh? Straight to the point. It sort of reminds us of the guy from Roald Dahl’s excellent The Twits, or the old man from Steptoe and Son.

Regardless, this drawing is so vile it has been known to force upper class women to pass out in Art Galleries across the world – but not due to the portrait in question, rather the depiction of a proletariat is enough to floor any snotty snob.

For shame! We think this picture is rather charming. Not that we’d hang it in a frame on our flat wall anywhere. Imagine doing this; your friends or whoever come round to visit you and there’s this 5ft by 5ft vast picture hanging before you in all its vile glory.

You’d think, “This person is insane!” and flee the property.

Anyway, Professional Moron’s Mr. Wapojif has given it some serious postulation (luckily he has the power of telekinesis, telepathy, and the ability to blink his eyes so quickly it looks like he’s spontaneously headed off into a period of REM sleep) and has worked out what the old bloke must have been thinking.

The other issue here is, “Why would anyone go out of their way to draw this disgusting man when they could be scribbling away something such as a butterfly?!?!” and I answer this notion with a simple response; because he’s worth it.

Indeed. And, as art goes, you can draw just about anything. To find out more about our concepts of what contemporary art is, read on!

How to Master Drawing Grotesque Things

As you can see Mr. Wapojif has already noted what the gentleman was thinking – it’s in a caption under the drawing. Now Mr. Wapojif would like to replicate the drawing in a contemporary fashion.

At home you can use Microsoft Paint, or whatever, to practice too. If you want to send in your drawing to us please don’t bother:

As you can see Mr. Wapojif is not really very good at this “art” lark, but the point is we tried.

We’d describe Mr. Wapojif’s technique as “lazy” as he spent about three minutes drawing the above picture.

But if it were to be professionally submitted to some art board somewhere we’d describe it as “abstract” as, you know, he’s got a really massive chin. But what does it truly take to be a great artist?

Obviously one must be creative and have the ability to comprehend a situation beyond your structural platitudinal reach (this is a real term, look it up), but you must also commit yourself to your art.

Follow these facts to become the next great artist of our era:

• Hacking off limbs to show your dedication is a popular artistic pastime. If you feel you really need these things then, remember, you can always glue your extremities back on later.
• Being sporadically lazy is also helpful, as is thinking up moronically (should suit us well then, eh? Eh? EH!?!?) turgid and pretentious artistic concepts to offend the intelligent sector of the world, but wow the equally narcissistic niche audience. For instance, you could find a dead rat (there are lots of them about), paint it blue, plop it on top of a copy of Harry Potter, set a white background and presto hey! A contemporary art piece! Name it “The Stinking Git” and you’re onto $7 million before you know it.
• Give up washing. Grow a beard. Make claims such as, “The Sisteen Chapel is rubbish. Michelangelo had too much time on his hands. REAL artists use fundamental trauma as a means of pertaining to relevant perturbations within the subconscious realm of knowledge.”
• You, as displayed in point 3, must master nonsensical “Art Speak”. This is, basically, just stringing together a load of “big” words in some arbitrary order. It makes stupid people think you’re smart. Behold; “The vacuous disorder of the piece is only relevant when irrelevant to the relevance of the aforementioned irrelevance. Relevant though it is to its own personal irrelevance, there are certain de rigours unable to be perceived within the sphere of distended comprehension.”
• Refer to your art as your “medium” and relentlessly defend all art, even if it’s awful, to those not overly interested. However, despise all art but your own! Indeed. Glory awaits!