Homebland: A Great Spy Thriller Show That Never Was

Homebland TV show logo
Doesn’t this just scream “riveting watch!” at you?!

Homeland is an ongoing hit TV show. We find there’s too much chaos and confrontation in it, though, so we’re proposing this disastrously dull spinoff instead.

It’s about how boring everything is. And stars a really boring cast, pedestrian script, and aimless narrative structure. It’s sure to be a hit!

What is Homebland?

It’s a rip-off (sorry, we mean a continuation) of the award-winning TV show Homeland. It’s just this one is much more boring.

It continues on the spy thriller concept, but just makes each outcome result in deflating and boring developments.

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as CIA officer Carrie Mathison (his first drag role since Junior in 1994) he goes about solving crimes and restoring order.

For example, in the first episode of the first season there’s apparently a psychopath murderer on the loose in downtown New York.

Upon arriving loaded up with a bazooka and a small army of dreadful one-liners, Mathison sees it’s a pensioner heading to McDonald’s for a coffee.

She unloads the bazooka on the scenario regardless (“To be on the safe side”). After the ensuing destruction, she’s reprimanded by her superiors.

The following seven episodes follow Mathison as she potters about her home during the imposed disciplinary leave.

She spends her days eating tinned soup and combing her hair, whilst fussing over the dust that’s built up under her sofa.

Upon returning to the CIA for the season closing eighth episode, Mathison apologises to her superiors and promises to be more boring at her job.

The episode then follows her as she completes reams of paperwork, whilst tutting when she spots the occasional typo.

With its disastrous ratings and critical panning, Homebland was cancelled after one season and is viewed as one of the biggest creative disasters in modern TV history.

But off its $50 million budget, the good news is Schwarzenegger bagged a hefty $30 million salary. So, something positive came out of it all (i.e. he got richer).

The Blandest Moments

The screenwriters did some method writing for this series, leading as boring a life as possible so as to reflect the sheer, mind-numbing tedium that can occur.

For his part, Schwarzenegger went and sat in a ditch for one afternoon to get an understanding of monotony.

Before heading out to complete his task, he apparently said to his wife, “I’ll be boring!” And they had a good chortle about that one.

This all resulted in some fine moments in the show. Underrated in its introspective sense of unimaginative repetition. Such as:

  • Waiting for a food delivery: Whilst on leave, Mathison decides to stock up on food. She makes an order on Waitrose, but the $200 delivery is an hour late. During the delay, she fusses and fumes until the beleaguered employee arrives—delayed due to being held up at gunpoint by lunatics. “That’s not good enough!” she hisses. And she makes a complaint to Waitrose. And he loses his job. Good!
  • Waiting for a pizza delivery: Furious about the Walmart incident, Mathison decides to cut loose for the night with a few glasses of wine and a pizza. She orders online, but the pizza is 15 minutes late and is now lukewarm. Fussing like a fuddy-duddy, she tells the pizza delivery boy he’s a “loser” and leaves a really snide review online.
  • Stubbing her big toe: Whilst walking out of a room, Mathison clips her big toe on the side of the doorway. It really hurts and she exclaims, “Dammit!” And then tuts and wishes she was back at the CIA doing paperwork. She sits down to reflect on that for next 30 minutes, closing out that episode in really dreary fashion.
  • Cleaning the bathroom: With some fancy cleaning products from her Walmart delivery, Mathison scrubs down the bathtub, sink, and toilet. However, he big toe is still smarting a bit. Tired after the spring clean, she goes to have a lie down and that turns into a lengthy kip. Critics panned this episode in particular as, “the worst prime time entertainment in living memory.”

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