If you have read the Professional Moron blog (even if it’s just a smidgen of our output) you’ll have noticed we often examine bizarre occurrences, or remarkable events, and ultimately conclude the facts point towards alien encounters. Why should we do this? Well, if you’ve ever seen The X Files (which we all know is based entirely on fact) you’ll know The Truth Is Out There. And, frankly, the thought of Scully or Mulder lying to us, after all these years of faithful viewing, would be enough to crush our feeble brains in disappointment. It’s much better to just mindlessly believe in an alien fantasy world; an environment of pure escapism and overwhelming evidence. It is the logical, and sane, way of things.
Anyway, the Northern Lights. It’s a natural wonder involving the Sun and the Earth’s magnetic magnetism, or so the government tells us! Our very own Mr. Wapojif happens to believe they are messages by aliens from the planet of Armleg Fistfoot, a world where everyone has arms instead of legs and fists instead of feet. It is a magical world where cornflakes don’t go soggy after you pour milk onto them, and this is where the link with Norway’s remarkable Northern Lights comes in. Ho ho ho, it’s true. Read on, dear sir/madam!
The aliens of Armleg Fistfoot are devious and intend to invade the Earth with their dastardly marketing campaigns for, you see, in their world they yearn for soggy cornflakes. Whilst many of us on Earth despise the gradual decline of cornflakes with the addition of cold, delicious milk, it turns out those sick bastards on Armleg Fistfoot are sick of shredding their mouths open on razor sharp, perpetually hard Cornflakes. They crave, with envious enviousness, the Earth’s brand of deliciously mushy cereal.
Now, pay attention as this is where things begin to get complicated. The Northern Lights are an advertising campaign by these aliens. You may not be able to notice it, but the beaming rays are actually an endless stream of unsoggy cornflakes blasted across deep space by the deviants of Armleg Fistfoot. Tis a decisive thyme to be a human; we either accept our fate and welcome the new brand of cornflakes wielding aliens, or we defend our product violently! In an attempt to sway our government towards taking appropriate action Mr. Wapojif wrote this letter to England’s Prime Minister David Cameron. Here is his account, verbatim. May cornflakes have mercy on us all:
We’ve wroted to you to bring to your attention a disaster so high up the Disaster Stakes you’d need a really massive ladder to get it down. A ladder of such impressive height you’d need a Fireman (or woman) to go up there and get it; not that we’re saying this is all Firemen (or women) are capable of doing, but it is their job and we believe all citizens have a duty to perform their duties with dutiful fulfilment. Indeed. Except ice cream factory workers in a heat wave as this would be utterly futile; why bother making ice cream when it’s so hot it would all melt? Think of the psychological trauma to millions of innocent children. Of course you, the government, could always invent a genetically modified form of ice cream. You could call it something like Iced Dream and add hallucinogenic drugs to it so it seems like it tastes mega awesome. Quite.
As you can see he forgot to mention the issue we’ve prattled on about but, nevertheless, we want today’s post to stand as a message to all of you; should your Cornflakes not go soggy you’ve been had. To the residents of Armleg Fistfoot we issue this warning; clear off and stick with your stupid unsoggy cornflakes! Bastards.